sigh

and in my helplessnes, a surrender that was not the least bit intent. i pray for a deafening silence to hush the turmoil that spills beyond the barrier of my skin. tears... fall into nothingness. beautiful no more when it meets the cold of the ground. beauty seeped within seconds, back to sad nonexistence... tears never did soothe the pregnant idea of an empty rage that tears at my defenses. and although i falter, i don't have to fall. but although the bruises that i feel will heal, turn away in respect, eyes that know nothing but damnation at my vulnerability. i am but human. i am but, a sad imitation of the gods. i am but, a sorry caricature of the perfection you house in your mind...

i hope i wear my nakedness well...

Neruda's Sonnet XVII

CUD

why do i love you? i do not know exactly... i can not specify when or where or how. but it's as if i knew (as to the course of how i knew, it eludes me) when i saw you. it's as if i had a memory of you even before i saw your face or heard your name. by the time we locked eyes, i already knew your scent (nutmeg peach). i already knew the feel of you... down to the salt of your skin. my fingers catch sparks at the mere thought of touching you. there is no shame. no apologies... there are never those for loving you. ahhhh. the mystery of our rhythm...

i love you 10, 100, a million times more than i can probably express. all i know is this (and only this) : my love for you is absolute. never half-way. never one foot outside the door. never selfish but neither acquiescent. never trusting not to hurt but neither untrusting not to mend. never trusting not to fall out of love but neither untrusting not to love. never trusting in settling for anything less than this.

pardon my wordlessness.. you are much to prodigious (and god-classly so..) for my rhetorics.

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz
Or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I LOVE YOU AS CERTAIN DARK THINGS ARE TO BE LOVED,
In secret, BETWEEN THE SHADOW AND THE SOUL.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
But carries in itself the light of hidden flowers
Thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
Risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you WITHOUT KNOWING how, or when, or from where.
I love you straight-forwardly, WITHOUT COMPLEXITIES OR PRIDE;
So I LOVE YOU BECAUSE I KNOW NO OTHER WAY THAN THIS.
Where I do not exist, nor you.
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand.
So close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

9:15

to alleviate my bouts of insomia, i find that i have to indulge my wanderlust... lately i have been having a rather intimate affair with the road. the destination of course being not so much of a concern as the feeling of flight itself. i long for anonymity.. what better way to achive it than to eradicate my my face, my thoughts, my whole self in a sea of faces and be empty myself?

i have been hanging around a certain starbucks branch somewhere in the south. in hopes that the aroma of coffee and dim lights conspire to deliver a certain someone into view. everytime i stay for 3 hours (a glaring idiosyncracy of my wanderlust) regardless of whether i have something more important to do at home or not. If he is Sacrifice personified then i am Guilt with no possibility of redress. i stare at my cafe mocha or mocha frap (order depends on my mood) in my depression. as the starbucks logo starts to haze, my original desperation wanes, loses its strenth and soon, all that is left is melancholy. and as time ticks closer to my 3 hour quota, i find my melancholy grow more and more beautiful. i have spent 3 years of my life with someone i wish unnamed and as i sit facing three empty chairs and my lonely cup, i realize that the stated years are more attractive in retrospect than they were when i was living them. now, what was tiring has left, and only beauty remained.

time ticks closer to 9:15... soon i'll be heading home again. my journey always in vain.

moonshine eternal #1

here finally, i have found the home of my dreams... not only wealth, but escape and enchantment. the night has so merciless an unblinking gaze for so beautiful an eye. my romance with night is absolute. in the stillness, i feel alive. a nocturnal blossom in bloom... held spellbound by the moonlight.

yosh!!!!

turning sadness into kindness
your uniqueness into strength
believing that you should be able to do it
again and again