a breath of a whisper

here it is, i say to no one in particular..

Much to my chagrin I have been very passively compelled to join the online community with a new sense of vigor and responsibility. I really havent decided on a style for this journal yet. Part of me wishes it to be a podium for some of my more ethereal ideas. Still, another part of me calls, almost demanding, that it be a more personal form of expression. A diary (ugh) perhaps, one with a potential audience of millions, but a practical audeince of only those few friends to which I reaveal it.

These things seem more like a catharthus than anything. It would be like publishing your autobiography in the library of congress a single page at a time. You have the joy of knowing that your life is there, recorded and on public view, but you have the comfort of knowing that it is concealed by the sum of human knowledge. Each of us, to some degree, wants to reveal our nature to the world and admit even our darkest sins. The detention though is more in what is said than who is listening. Seems like a particularly subjectivist point of view there.
God help me if I wander too far down that road..

playing hookie

there's got to be more than this

today i woke up the usual hour i usually do when i have work ahead of me. the hated 9 am. i lay in bed. kept my eyes closed and my mind open. surely, surely there is more to this life than what i have now. i know there is. so today, i decided to find out for myself.

i played hookie. (bad rese! bad!!!) should have gotten some ice cream to come along with it but hey, i don't do cliches. i reached for my mobile on top of the aircon (where i usually put it when im at home) and tried to turn the wheels in my head. i had to come up with a good one. subtle and nothing too bogus. just believable. luckily i was having a sorry case of running nose two days back. (you wouldn't know the embarrassment i felt sneezing once in a while and feeling stares and raised eyebrows at a cluttered work station made even more messy by the tissue paper motif). so i keyed in fever, cough and a running nose. my TL replied a get well soon (oh, was that guilt i felt? hmmm. naaahhhh.). great. the first thing im going to do is go back to sleep. (i couldn't get enough fo those these days.)

3 hrs ran after my sleep was disturbed by a rather disturbed tummy. ok. lunch time i guess. i went down to get some rice. the canned goods i keep in stock would do just fine for now. after forcing all the contents of the plate down my throat and drowning the taste with a glass of sprite i turned on my pc and voila! i found myself typing away in my blog (after turning on my IMs first of course).

so this is it is it?

so this is what i skipped work for and lost about 1k in my salary for. a day alone in my room with my the pc and the phone as the only means to communicate with the outside world (unless i stepped out of course). am i enjoying my self? well certainly more than if i went to work that's for sure.

a bit later after keying in a few paragraphs, my boss (errr... my other boss that is) goes OL. for my azues colleagues who read this, let's keep this to ourselves shall we? anyway, my boss has something for me to munch on. a mapping of sorts he needs for the meeting/presentation he has for his client at some later hour of the day. i take the job (dare i refuse $5 an hour? besides, it's mana after losing some pesos due to a supposed sick leave...) and ponder on a scheme for jan (that's my boss) to utilize for his presentation. something to simplify and save and overly complex wire frame. i decide to let jan paint by numbers and start working with the number ranges for the tables i'm saddled with. he gives me tables, i give him numbered items on the wire frame he can trace table items to. he gives me updated tables with bug fixes, i give him updated builds of the wire frames. we spar emails for a time. and i strain a nerve every time he wrecks my mapping (OC runs in the family... alright runs in me only then) but no matter. he does pay me so i can keep my opinions about his perfect clairvoyance to myself and my imaginary friend Puripuri.

sometime during one of our crossfires, i decide to get away yet again. and so i flag in a 2hr dinner (who eats dinner for 2hrs anyway?) and unbelievably, i was given the go to go so i went with my hubby to eat and watch a movie.

after laughing our heads of at Rock's performance at Be Cool, we grab a mocha frap(heavenly frap... that first sip is just sublime...) before heading back to my place. it's surprising how i can get a natural high from a good movie, a good converstation and especially good company (hubby here's to you... muah!).

now you might think that there isn't anything extraordinary about what transpired with my day. no surprises. no bump-ins with a long lost friend (most of the friends i have stay lost and i like them that way until life's malice entwines our paths in some happenstance meeting.. and i like it that way). in fact, what happened with my date may be the de facto date. and i guess we could all agree nothing much happened between the time i opened my eyes until now (a little digression if you please, i started the draft at after i ate lunch, worked on it some more before i went out with my hubby and now [2.37 on my clock] before i go off to sleep and face the wrath of aZEUS tomorrow). i may think that too. i may look for the fireworks, and want to feel my heart race faster and feel the weightlessness (and i honestly think that everybody does in a relationship just as everybody tries to make sense out of life. and i do i really do. and i will never stop looking for it). but the thing is, i realized with the monotony of today that the magic doesn't lie with bended knees and a proposal. nor does life's sense lie in moments that happen not so very often. life's sense lies in the ordinary everyday i live in that is made up of ordinary things, ordinary minutes, ordinary glances, ordinary conversations, and just about ordinary everythings. yet i realize, no, i know that every ordinary thing, minute, glance and conversation is just a bit different from the last one and will probably be minutely different from the next one. it's the same everyday i have but not quite no...

this is the same wednesday i've woken up to since i knew the names of the days of the week. the same wednesday i play cops and robbers with in elementary. the same wednesday i had started my menstral cycle. the same wednesday i graduated from highschool with pins clinging to my dress... the same wednesday i really fell in love with for the first time. the same wednesday three years later i parted ways with someone i really cared about but no longer loved. the same wednesday i fell in love again. and the wednesday after that. and the next. the same wednesday i woke up to just a few hours ago and decided to have to myself. the same wednesday that will inevitably turn into a thursday. but not quite no. this is just a fraction different from the others.

and i like my life ordinary. if ordinary means feeling like this everytime.

ps. because of a natural given to me by my hubby and a shared mocha frap over very very good conversation, i'll skip proofreading this post. hell, i'll even skip the spell check just to show you how good of a mood i am. ilycud....

mnemosyne

i don't know if this is where i want to be anymore. i'm not one to complain but somehow, this isn't quite what i imagined things to be. sure. life is uncertain, and the things we ask or work hard for don't really turn out to what we thought they would be in the end. but isn't it a bit unfair to want and need something so badly and realize somewhere in the middle of it all, that what we have is really nothing compared to what we hope for? if only the degree to which we need and want is proportional to the veracity of what we attain sooner or later, then i guess i would find some comfort and satisfaction.

everything is susceptible to doubt. then again, everything is susceptible to anything. ideals can be corrupted. minds can be influenced. words can be twisted. a friend can easily turn into a foe. and serenity it seems can quickly (and decisively mind you..) turn into melancholy. change. the only thing that is certain in a world of uncertainty. always a transition. always moving. never in a standstill. an eternal alacrity of nanoseconds whose transitions fuel human emotion in a vicious cycle. love to denial. denial which shifts to despair. despair into a consuming hatred. hate which transmutes into numbness. insentience which gives way to forgetfulness over time. and all it takes is but a single, obtrusive memory.. a familiar sound, a lingering smell, to fall in love all over again. to the very object which caused you to deny, despair, hate, debilitate and finally forget. to love once again the same object with the same ferocious intensity. every time as if it were the first time.

life's prejudice lies in its preference to recollection even when the matter calls for abstraction.

anti-gravity

i miss daylight. for someone who is eternally consumed with night's passion, that says a lot.. i miss the warmth of it on my skin. i miss the shadow the sun gives me for company.. for the longest time i haven't had the luxury or the freedom to meander on footpaths and walkways that hold so much promise of serenity. stolen.. my capacity to dream awake in daylight. stolen..yes, but not lost.
as i contemplate all this, i smirk at my own foolishness. it's a pity i didn't realize it sooner. the thing i miss most about daylight, the thing that i revel most ardently in is not daylight per se' but her death. the futility of her struggle as the cloak of night drowns her.. how she taints the sky crimson as the stars pierce to reveal the monotony of her hue.. one false gradient after the other.. how she falls on her knees on the horizon in her reluctance to give way to the moon..
do you know why no one could ever be jealous of the sun's triumphs? it's not because sol can act just as serene without them... it's because her grandness, her benevolence is but a facade. a curtain dropped down to shield a staggering fear of vertigo. a beautiful curtain dropped down to mask a void that is her reality. she is but an occurence of multitudes thought special because circumstance placed her to temporarily warm a cold, orbiting rock... it is inevitable.. she will burn out. because all she really is.. is nothing but a black hole.

you've got it wrong... stars do not get tired of shining.. what they really grow tired of, is living a lie.

rage of angels...

"hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned... "

i agree. and to a degree, i know perfectly well what it feels like.. to speak and not be heard. to be looked upon but not seen. to be stripped and scrutinized in your nakedness, found to be lacking. nothing hurts more than being helpless in things that consume you. nothing maims the soul than knowing that there are things that move that are beyond you. that impossible is THE (if not the only) possibility of man.

i can not articulate what exactly it is i feel now that i see you struggle.. it is not triumph for i can never play the victor to the hurt of another.. it is not sympathy for you and i are too much of a stranger to the other. there is nothing between us. nothing between us. not anymore.

i wrote this piece a long time ago. when my pen would often stain the parchment with blood. but now that things ARE, i have to start letting go of things that have come to pass. my fist will clench no more. but they will never forget the blows that have landed. in this great future, i refuse to forget my past...part of where i want to be is knowing where i've been :

i guess this makes us even. the world dangles on the eloquence of a silence that is beyond even speech's descriptive capacity for words and utterances. if you need me, me and neil will be hanging out with the dream king. no part of me that denies your absence will endure. not on the faulty reason that me and john doe like the same ice cream. All the world is. All that I AM. The black of the blackest ocean. And that TEAR in your hand. Haze all clouded up my mind in the daze of the way IT COULD HAVE NEVER BEEN so you say and I say... Do you know YOU'RE FULL OF WISH and your baby, baby, babies? So, with all the phantoms and corpses you left encased in the tomb of my mind, I will catch a ride with the waxing and waning of the moon. It seems that I know you well. Well BETTER THAN I USED TO that is. How the world conveniently shrinks to a simple matter of LIGHT AND SHADE in reduced circumstances! I think there are PIECES OF ME you've never seen, perhaps ALL SHE IS, is nothing but a piece me YOU'VE NEVER SEEN WELL. [an abomination and selective mutiny to a beautifully composed song, redefined to better give word to my deafening silence due to an 11-month grudge. hail to a certain T.A. for putting into song, what I could have not sung better myself...]