this is a relatively sensitive post so please be guided accordingly dear reader. i normally don't do this and it is with much unease that i type in letters, watch them form into words, into sentences that are laced with my feelings, and ultimately into paragraphs that make up the whole post in this entry. normally, i leave my more personal thoughts to myself or to my journal, which is carefully kept safe from prying eyes and minds that i know are short to understand. but this isn't a normal feeling. fitting i think, because what i have is not so normal a love. so again dear reader, be forewarned.
perhaps helplessness is one of the undesirable feelings i have been acquainted my entire life and i do not wish to have myself reminded of the feeling. though it be years ago i can still feel its incapacitating effect, grinding my world in to a slow and fatal stop. that is what happens i guess when you lose someone important. the pain of rejection is so sharp that you never numb yourself from it. it is that pain that starts and ends your day. it is the very thing you breathe. it becomes everything. the only thing. the thing.
of course he had told me his reasons. but his reasons never did fill the black hole that came to life the moment he said goodbye. i never knew a word more cruel than goodbye. it is more vicious and more malicious than any obscenity ever invented.
often times i tried to keep my sanity during the course of that unkind monsoon. and often times, i failed. i told myself many things, most of them half-heartedly, if only to regain an inch of myself. an inch! it is small and fragile and so easily lost. but never did i saw such endless possibilities in an inch.
she had threatened suicide, he said. what a nasty thing to say just to keep someone with you. she had threatened suicide yes but i guess he never noticed that i died the moment he said goodbye just to be with her. just to be with someone he doesn't really want to be with. just because of a threat. i wonder sometimes, being the god-fearing christian that she is if she would have gone and did it if he left her. my guess is, she wouldn't. i'm not saying that she's weak. perhaps she is. but the devout is less possible to commit suicide than an atheist or an agnostic. i wonder if she thought about god and her beliefs during that time. if she prayed twice as often afterwards the moment she realized that she shoved god and his teachings aside for self-preservation. i have no intention of mocking a god i'm uncertain exists, i just believe that self-preservation is innate in all of us. even the devout.
i've asked him a lot of times why he chose her and not me back then. and he always says the same thing. that he loved me but was scared of his love for me. that he was too afraid of the uncertainty we had together that a loveless choice but with security seemed a better option. that is perhaps why he called me a couple of times a month even after he left me. because you can't run away from something that the universe conspires for you. oh you can delay. you can delay for a day. a week. a month. a year. or two. but you can't spend a lifetime running away from it.
you can't run away from what you feel. no matter how much you try to erase it or bury it with someone else.
to some extent i do agree with her, when she said that he should have left the moment he realized that he loved me and will love me more that he ever could her. that he should have just left her from the beginning. but i often wonder about her sincerity on that particular matter. if it would really have been better if he left her and not me from the start.
if you love someone, then love them. it doesn't matter if they'll love you back or break your heart. if you love someone then be with them no matter the uncertainty. that's what cheza told him, when he asked cheza about certain things about love. it's amazing, how little conspiracies hide in the innocent things like a conversation. from what seemed like an innocuous conversation that transpired out of boredom snowballed until he found himself making the most important decision he ever made in his life on a bus ride home.
we all want a life of love. and to be robbed of it is a great tragedy. there are no real villians or heroes in the battle for real love. what makes one a protagonist or an antagonist is what they do after the decisions are made.
maybe what he did was wrong. and maybe you are right. maybe we were all wrong to some extent but he has made his amends and i, mine. maybe he should have left when he stayed and stayed when he left be he has reached a destination. whether it is her or i that is at the destination holds little value to the fact that love has finally arrived into his life. i'm just lucky that love also arrived in my life when it arrived into his.
to cy. to a life of love.