i miss you

eight am and the alarm of my phone starts up again.
twenty floors down
a fifteen minute walk
thirty eight floors back up
all that in a thousand, a hundred and twelve steps
that's how far i am from you.

there's the phone.
there's the internet.
but no real you.
you're still asleep, i know, while i carry on with my day.
by the time you wake to start your day,
i'd be half done with mine.

five o clock and i can go home now
thirty eight floors down
a fifteen minute walk
twenty four floors up
all that still in a thousand, a hundred and twelve steps
as i close the distance between me and you

there's a bath
there's dinner
and there's the real you
you're awake now, i know, as my day draws to a close
by the time you'll fall asleep
i'll be a few hours away from waking.

i just miss you that's all.

wedding crashers

true love, as succinctly put in the movie, wedding crashers, is finding your soul's counterpart in another person. dare i say i know exactly what john (owen wilson) is talking about as cliche' sounding as it may be. if 'true love' as widely known to most and personally preferred by me to be known as utopia or better yet, as brandon boyd coins it 'three-fold utopian dream', is generally considered to be a dream, then consider me to be luckily living in one.

i have to admit to myself, even though surprisingly so, that i was taken aback by the movie in the sense that i was expecting another mindless chick flick and saw instead, a movie that has depth (if you know how to scratch the surface) if not a movie that i could relate to in many accounts at the least. heck, if a movie inspired me to blog despite dropping eyelids then enough should be said. anyway, the following is a rundown of the accounts presented in the movie with which i testify i can relate to:

1. friendship - "a friend in need is a pest" may hold true at times but not only recently did i found out (and i'm glad that i did even though i was a johnny come lately on this one) that a friend is a friend. and losing a real friend is, i think one of the most tragic things that can happen to people.
2. decisions - knowing what you want is one of the best consolations perhaps that we have in life given that (as Schopenhauer put it) "man can do as he will, but not will as he will". yes, we live in a world that holds truths and virtual truths. and to the virtual truth of freedom, i will will over that which i can will.
3. everyone else's 'true love' and my three-fold utopian dream - the worlds greatest cliche' and will eternally be for as long men (and women but more so on the women) know to hope.

yes, some of the things that we do in life may seem to some (especially those that are merely outside looking in. the kind that talk as if they had the definite say on the matter. the kind that talk as if theirs is the only perspective possible) as irresponsible, juvenile and pathetic. but if the things that we did by some whim of fate led us to things that are important then who's to say that we are sincerely regretful if not regretful in most aspects? if the things that i do now even if deemed by convention as taboo led to my greater happiness, led to me finding my soul's counterpart in another person then who's to say that i am completely an exile to decorum? ostracism due to violation of a socially conceived anathema is but a small price to pay in exchange for one's three-fold utopian dream.

if i let cowardice, indecision and gentility get the best of me in things that matter, then i'd be more nothing but the same thing as before and less of someone who has found what many only dream about.

i thank the decisive look with which i saw you for the first time and recognized instantly and without a doubt, my soul's counterpart in yours.

if this is sight i'd rather be blind

I find it strange to write in metaphors of my own making. And yet, that is all that I’ve ever done without realization until I looked at my posts today and saw the façade of my own words. But to the unwary I find that I must guise it lest jealousy spurns malice to conspire and stain my thoughts. We are all obligated to hold on to our portions of the truth and that obligation stretches to the point of its safekeeping. No matter how small, how minute, it is nonetheless, a part of a grander design. So indulge my wariness to reduce the role of malice further still through encrypting my thoughts with metaphors. There are those that are to be read I agree. There are also those that are to be deciphered. And still, there are those that are not meant to be put into words.

Although I can articulate my thoughts clearly enough, how exactly do I articulate something that is beyond my, or beyond man’s for that matter, design? How do I call something that has no name with which to uniquely identify it? I can use words, yes. Words that humanity’s collective intellect instructs me is similar but I know that that word is lacking still in its entirety. I can but paint a verbal impression of a truth that is known without words, a “perhaps but not quite”, a caricature that is in its absolute insufficient to give word to that which is known without words. Man can after all, only stare at the sun.

And if I can mask what it is exactly that I want to say, it goes without saying that you can do so as well. As clever or as poor, it does not matter. A mask is still a mask. But in all your pondering, in all your musings, never will you come to know what I speak of in any other light than what you will yourself to know or not know. Tainted love or not, these eyes are not your eyes. No. They will never be the color that your arid eyes are. If your eyes decide to see a love tainted, I refuse to kneel before such a sight. If that your truth, as you see it, as you know it and as you love it then I’d embrace my 'lies' instead. Pardon me, if I think of myself as an accomplished exile.