off to boracay. will put off blog posts until i get back.
see you!
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Jesus saves... but sometimes he's the one who gives you hell...
There is no feeling such as returning to the familiarity of home and seeing the faces of people you know and love. There is no place like home. There is no place like home...
On a dreary sunday morning, I found myself strapped to the front seat of our car, Cy next to me, dreading the sight of the looming airport overhead. Still cranky from having my sleep disrupted, I checked in to a flight leaving for Cebu in an hour or so. Cebu??? Yes, god-damn Cebu. I have nothing against Cebu, in fact, my dad is a native of Cebu but the thing is, I would have preferred to be bound for Bacolod rather than Cebu.
What was I doing in Cebu? Well, funny thing because I was actually asking myself the same question the whole duration of the plane ride. Why the hell did I allow myself to be puppy-eyed into saying yes to train ICT heads in a remote HS in Cebu? Well for one thing, it's hard to say no to someone when they Puss-in-boots-eyes their way into your sentiments and secondly, it's hard to say no to a sweet old man whose name is Jesus. I'm agnostic I know but humor me anyway.
I never would have lasted during the intended 3-day training there. Good thing, Cons was 'victimized' into saying yes as well. Call me selfish and partly evil but misery really loves company. And we were miserable in a funny sort of way. From the time I took the wrong box of training materials, to the time we waited hours to rebook our return trip to an earlier flight on the same day, to the time we were left by the van because we waited at the wrong side of the road, to the time we first saw where our training was going to be held, to the time we asked them what their background was on MS Access (WHAT BACKGROUND????), to the time we finally finished the thing and went back home.
Unfortunate events aside, I was so glad to see Cyril in the airport on the thursday that marked our return to familiarity and sanity.
Sir Jesus, Cons and I love you, but seriously, you should be banned from doing admin work. Let's keep the puss-in-boots-eyes to our chess matches shall we?
On a dreary sunday morning, I found myself strapped to the front seat of our car, Cy next to me, dreading the sight of the looming airport overhead. Still cranky from having my sleep disrupted, I checked in to a flight leaving for Cebu in an hour or so. Cebu??? Yes, god-damn Cebu. I have nothing against Cebu, in fact, my dad is a native of Cebu but the thing is, I would have preferred to be bound for Bacolod rather than Cebu.
What was I doing in Cebu? Well, funny thing because I was actually asking myself the same question the whole duration of the plane ride. Why the hell did I allow myself to be puppy-eyed into saying yes to train ICT heads in a remote HS in Cebu? Well for one thing, it's hard to say no to someone when they Puss-in-boots-eyes their way into your sentiments and secondly, it's hard to say no to a sweet old man whose name is Jesus. I'm agnostic I know but humor me anyway.
I never would have lasted during the intended 3-day training there. Good thing, Cons was 'victimized' into saying yes as well. Call me selfish and partly evil but misery really loves company. And we were miserable in a funny sort of way. From the time I took the wrong box of training materials, to the time we waited hours to rebook our return trip to an earlier flight on the same day, to the time we were left by the van because we waited at the wrong side of the road, to the time we first saw where our training was going to be held, to the time we asked them what their background was on MS Access (WHAT BACKGROUND????), to the time we finally finished the thing and went back home.
Unfortunate events aside, I was so glad to see Cyril in the airport on the thursday that marked our return to familiarity and sanity.
Sir Jesus, Cons and I love you, but seriously, you should be banned from doing admin work. Let's keep the puss-in-boots-eyes to our chess matches shall we?
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Tuesday, April 10, 2007
on goodbyes and love
this is a relatively sensitive post so please be guided accordingly dear reader. i normally don't do this and it is with much unease that i type in letters, watch them form into words, into sentences that are laced with my feelings, and ultimately into paragraphs that make up the whole post in this entry. normally, i leave my more personal thoughts to myself or to my journal, which is carefully kept safe from prying eyes and minds that i know are short to understand. but this isn't a normal feeling. fitting i think, because what i have is not so normal a love. so again dear reader, be forewarned.
perhaps helplessness is one of the undesirable feelings i have been acquainted my entire life and i do not wish to have myself reminded of the feeling. though it be years ago i can still feel its incapacitating effect, grinding my world in to a slow and fatal stop. that is what happens i guess when you lose someone important. the pain of rejection is so sharp that you never numb yourself from it. it is that pain that starts and ends your day. it is the very thing you breathe. it becomes everything. the only thing. the thing.
of course he had told me his reasons. but his reasons never did fill the black hole that came to life the moment he said goodbye. i never knew a word more cruel than goodbye. it is more vicious and more malicious than any obscenity ever invented.
often times i tried to keep my sanity during the course of that unkind monsoon. and often times, i failed. i told myself many things, most of them half-heartedly, if only to regain an inch of myself. an inch! it is small and fragile and so easily lost. but never did i saw such endless possibilities in an inch.
she had threatened suicide, he said. what a nasty thing to say just to keep someone with you. she had threatened suicide yes but i guess he never noticed that i died the moment he said goodbye just to be with her. just to be with someone he doesn't really want to be with. just because of a threat. i wonder sometimes, being the god-fearing christian that she is if she would have gone and did it if he left her. my guess is, she wouldn't. i'm not saying that she's weak. perhaps she is. but the devout is less possible to commit suicide than an atheist or an agnostic. i wonder if she thought about god and her beliefs during that time. if she prayed twice as often afterwards the moment she realized that she shoved god and his teachings aside for self-preservation. i have no intention of mocking a god i'm uncertain exists, i just believe that self-preservation is innate in all of us. even the devout.
i've asked him a lot of times why he chose her and not me back then. and he always says the same thing. that he loved me but was scared of his love for me. that he was too afraid of the uncertainty we had together that a loveless choice but with security seemed a better option. that is perhaps why he called me a couple of times a month even after he left me. because you can't run away from something that the universe conspires for you. oh you can delay. you can delay for a day. a week. a month. a year. or two. but you can't spend a lifetime running away from it.
you can't run away from what you feel. no matter how much you try to erase it or bury it with someone else.
to some extent i do agree with her, when she said that he should have left the moment he realized that he loved me and will love me more that he ever could her. that he should have just left her from the beginning. but i often wonder about her sincerity on that particular matter. if it would really have been better if he left her and not me from the start.
if you love someone, then love them. it doesn't matter if they'll love you back or break your heart. if you love someone then be with them no matter the uncertainty. that's what cheza told him, when he asked cheza about certain things about love. it's amazing, how little conspiracies hide in the innocent things like a conversation. from what seemed like an innocuous conversation that transpired out of boredom snowballed until he found himself making the most important decision he ever made in his life on a bus ride home.
we all want a life of love. and to be robbed of it is a great tragedy. there are no real villians or heroes in the battle for real love. what makes one a protagonist or an antagonist is what they do after the decisions are made.
maybe what he did was wrong. and maybe you are right. maybe we were all wrong to some extent but he has made his amends and i, mine. maybe he should have left when he stayed and stayed when he left be he has reached a destination. whether it is her or i that is at the destination holds little value to the fact that love has finally arrived into his life. i'm just lucky that love also arrived in my life when it arrived into his.
to cy. to a life of love.
perhaps helplessness is one of the undesirable feelings i have been acquainted my entire life and i do not wish to have myself reminded of the feeling. though it be years ago i can still feel its incapacitating effect, grinding my world in to a slow and fatal stop. that is what happens i guess when you lose someone important. the pain of rejection is so sharp that you never numb yourself from it. it is that pain that starts and ends your day. it is the very thing you breathe. it becomes everything. the only thing. the thing.
of course he had told me his reasons. but his reasons never did fill the black hole that came to life the moment he said goodbye. i never knew a word more cruel than goodbye. it is more vicious and more malicious than any obscenity ever invented.
often times i tried to keep my sanity during the course of that unkind monsoon. and often times, i failed. i told myself many things, most of them half-heartedly, if only to regain an inch of myself. an inch! it is small and fragile and so easily lost. but never did i saw such endless possibilities in an inch.
she had threatened suicide, he said. what a nasty thing to say just to keep someone with you. she had threatened suicide yes but i guess he never noticed that i died the moment he said goodbye just to be with her. just to be with someone he doesn't really want to be with. just because of a threat. i wonder sometimes, being the god-fearing christian that she is if she would have gone and did it if he left her. my guess is, she wouldn't. i'm not saying that she's weak. perhaps she is. but the devout is less possible to commit suicide than an atheist or an agnostic. i wonder if she thought about god and her beliefs during that time. if she prayed twice as often afterwards the moment she realized that she shoved god and his teachings aside for self-preservation. i have no intention of mocking a god i'm uncertain exists, i just believe that self-preservation is innate in all of us. even the devout.
i've asked him a lot of times why he chose her and not me back then. and he always says the same thing. that he loved me but was scared of his love for me. that he was too afraid of the uncertainty we had together that a loveless choice but with security seemed a better option. that is perhaps why he called me a couple of times a month even after he left me. because you can't run away from something that the universe conspires for you. oh you can delay. you can delay for a day. a week. a month. a year. or two. but you can't spend a lifetime running away from it.
you can't run away from what you feel. no matter how much you try to erase it or bury it with someone else.
to some extent i do agree with her, when she said that he should have left the moment he realized that he loved me and will love me more that he ever could her. that he should have just left her from the beginning. but i often wonder about her sincerity on that particular matter. if it would really have been better if he left her and not me from the start.
if you love someone, then love them. it doesn't matter if they'll love you back or break your heart. if you love someone then be with them no matter the uncertainty. that's what cheza told him, when he asked cheza about certain things about love. it's amazing, how little conspiracies hide in the innocent things like a conversation. from what seemed like an innocuous conversation that transpired out of boredom snowballed until he found himself making the most important decision he ever made in his life on a bus ride home.
we all want a life of love. and to be robbed of it is a great tragedy. there are no real villians or heroes in the battle for real love. what makes one a protagonist or an antagonist is what they do after the decisions are made.
maybe what he did was wrong. and maybe you are right. maybe we were all wrong to some extent but he has made his amends and i, mine. maybe he should have left when he stayed and stayed when he left be he has reached a destination. whether it is her or i that is at the destination holds little value to the fact that love has finally arrived into his life. i'm just lucky that love also arrived in my life when it arrived into his.
to cy. to a life of love.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
cloth pieces from the quilt of my mind
The thing I like most about school are the days when I miss them. Being a La Sallian, this means the pathetic 3 weeks that make up our summer break. Finals week starts on April 9. Course card day is on April 19. Although Miss Ji has already informed me of my load next term, I'm free of classes until May 22!
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On March 28-31, I was at Baguio for an all expense paid Cisco Networking Academy Program Conference. The conference aside, Baguio isn't what it used to be. Far from the mountain haven I remembered it to be, it is now reduced to another city that has been urbanized to death.
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I just took my Final Exams for on of my MS classes (COMPARC/Computer Architecture) and was two points short of perfect. One 4.0 down, another one to go.
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I'm eager for my next Capoeira class! They cancelled last night's class due to Holy Week so I swam instead. Tuesday next week is going to be my 5th session! In case you're interested, here's the official website of Escola Brasileira de Capoeira Philippines.
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Summertime and the livin's easy... (lyrics from Summertime by SUBLIME) now that I've got my Oakley Crosshair S(purple tint)
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Upstrat Projects lined up: (codename only)
Finesay
Urocare
Triton
Crossbridge
CCO
Meaning I've got loads of stuff to do before our Boracay trip on April 28.
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I wonder when I'll be able to get enough time to take it easy without feeling guilty about it.
-----------
On March 28-31, I was at Baguio for an all expense paid Cisco Networking Academy Program Conference. The conference aside, Baguio isn't what it used to be. Far from the mountain haven I remembered it to be, it is now reduced to another city that has been urbanized to death.
-----------
I just took my Final Exams for on of my MS classes (COMPARC/Computer Architecture) and was two points short of perfect. One 4.0 down, another one to go.
-----------
I'm eager for my next Capoeira class! They cancelled last night's class due to Holy Week so I swam instead. Tuesday next week is going to be my 5th session! In case you're interested, here's the official website of Escola Brasileira de Capoeira Philippines.
-----------
Summertime and the livin's easy... (lyrics from Summertime by SUBLIME) now that I've got my Oakley Crosshair S(purple tint)
-----------
Upstrat Projects lined up: (codename only)
Finesay
Urocare
Triton
Crossbridge
CCO
Meaning I've got loads of stuff to do before our Boracay trip on April 28.
----------
I wonder when I'll be able to get enough time to take it easy without feeling guilty about it.
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