some time in february, i was struck with a terrible illness with which i am still recuperating from. it came in the guise of a fever but i was hospitalized for a week and had to bedrest for a week more. and all my life i considered myself healthy. really healthy. i was involved in a lot of sports and cross training and never fell ill. i guess life has a way of proving you wrong. no matter, because due to my illness, i gained something more important. following is a thread of text messages sent to me by cy (have i ever told you that it sounds a lot like sigh?). anyway, i've decided to log it as a post since i am in fear of my phone being snatched or erasing important messages by mistake. i wouldn't want to lose anything memorable, even if it includes me in the hospital with needles piercing my skin.
...
haaay... sori tawag ako. can't help it. sobrang dysfunctional labu without your presence.. what am i to do without my wify..
...
for the longest time i have not felt this much sadness.. as i stare on one of your pics which i have set as my wallpaper i realize that i have taken for granted the happiness that you have brought me. all the simple things that we have done together bring me the utmost joy and sorrow at the same time, for remembering those moments remind me of my missing limb. i am but an empty vessel without you. this once warn and happy home has become gloomy in a matter of minutes. i hope i will i will not be dehydrated. for i have emptied bottles and bottles of tears. the thought of your illness and constant suffering will never leave me at ease. i know now more than ever that this person that you call your love will easily give anything and everything, for you to be well again.. it was once ridiculous for me to think that people are completed by their loved ones. now i can say with certainty that that statement is valid. i love you so much and i will die over and over again for you..
...
just finished taking a bath and putting some oil.. this is the first time i put oil on my body.. not for my skin, but to envelope myself i your scent. ily.
...
im glad that i'm feeling the way im feeling towards you. i know my love will not be put to waste.. i feel promiscuity to be beyond me.
...
me too. im so glad i left L*** for you. im so glad i got accepted in canon. im so glad i knew enough about war3 to talk to you. as i said, at this point i feel like my life's a series of fortunate events.. knowing now that you were at the finish line puts me into this blissful place i could only describe as heaven.
...
wify, will you marry me? in maybe 2 years? i love you. hope it's alright with your family.
[i said yes to this one... so my profile at friendster is now valid... yes, i am married (ok engaged for now.. XD) ]
...
i will buy an engagement ring when i have the money. i love you. this statement will remain and not be limited to our lifetime but will perpetuate itself eternally. so long as men can breathe or eyes can see.
...
i exist for you alone... im really glad i had the courage to leave my old life for you.
...
i love you.. no. I LOVE YOU. love here is not just the ordinay word "love".. it's something that only the both of us can feel and understand.. it's something so special that i wouldn't dare associate it with the previous people in my life. you are the only one who will receive this love.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
sleeping with butterflies...
Sleeps With Butterflies
-tori amos
airplanes
take you away again
are you flying above where we live
then i look up, a glare in my eyes
are you having regrets about last night
i'm not, but i like rivers that
rush in
so then i dove in
is there trouble ahead for you, the acrobat
i won't push you, unless you have a net
balloons look good from on the ground
i fear with pins and needles around
we may fall then stumble upon a carousel
it could take us anywhere
you say the word you know i will find you
or if you need some time i don't mind
i don't hold onto the tail of your kite
i'm not like the girls that you've known
but i believe i'm worth coming home to
kiss away night
this girl only sleeps with butterflies
with butterflies
with butterflies
so go on and fly boy
--
so here's what i'm thinking right now:
i honestly thought i was one
but then six months ago
a butterfly i thought forever lost
came home and never left
and now, with pins and needles
i shake myself awake
pump blood into my wings
break the bonds that hold them
break them one by one
so i can take flight
despite my fear of heights
because you said you won't
let me fall ever again
the way you did
over a year ago.
***
that about sums it all up..
having without really owning is something that we dare only to do when we really love someone. and it's difficult because man by his intrinsic nature is driven to be secure. i guess i should consider myself lucky. no. perhaps blessed is the word that better describes how i see the "us" that came to be against all odds. how an us bloomed despite the obvious difficulty. but a flower that blooms in adversity after all, is incomparable to any other.
and if someone stains what we have, let that person know that i know exactly what it is to be the "unchosen"... i know how hard it is to move on. spare me a raised eyebrow in the event that you think that sarcasm is just beneath my words because i was in a worse if not same position two years ago. and i believe that grief is necessary for such a loss. so grieve if you must, shed tears if you must, rage if you must. do what you think it takes for you to be well again. but never think that the world stops for anybody's affliction. so don't be in anguish for too long lest you miss what is is to be alive.
know that we respect what it is you are going through. he is not proud of what he did and neither of us denies the role you had to play in both of our lives. but don't let it consume you. never mar what we have because it was denied from you. and don't let loose words to hurt just because you were. know that although we respect how you must feel right now, i am holding you bound to what you told me when we exchanged text messages. or is your word doubtful? so give us the same respect we give you. let us be and speak no more. because when it you really think about it, what you say falls on deaf ears. i have done enough time for the both of us. we are even. you and i.
-tori amos
airplanes
take you away again
are you flying above where we live
then i look up, a glare in my eyes
are you having regrets about last night
i'm not, but i like rivers that
rush in
so then i dove in
is there trouble ahead for you, the acrobat
i won't push you, unless you have a net
balloons look good from on the ground
i fear with pins and needles around
we may fall then stumble upon a carousel
it could take us anywhere
you say the word you know i will find you
or if you need some time i don't mind
i don't hold onto the tail of your kite
i'm not like the girls that you've known
but i believe i'm worth coming home to
kiss away night
this girl only sleeps with butterflies
with butterflies
with butterflies
so go on and fly boy
--
so here's what i'm thinking right now:
i honestly thought i was one
but then six months ago
a butterfly i thought forever lost
came home and never left
and now, with pins and needles
i shake myself awake
pump blood into my wings
break the bonds that hold them
break them one by one
so i can take flight
despite my fear of heights
because you said you won't
let me fall ever again
the way you did
over a year ago.
***
that about sums it all up..
having without really owning is something that we dare only to do when we really love someone. and it's difficult because man by his intrinsic nature is driven to be secure. i guess i should consider myself lucky. no. perhaps blessed is the word that better describes how i see the "us" that came to be against all odds. how an us bloomed despite the obvious difficulty. but a flower that blooms in adversity after all, is incomparable to any other.
and if someone stains what we have, let that person know that i know exactly what it is to be the "unchosen"... i know how hard it is to move on. spare me a raised eyebrow in the event that you think that sarcasm is just beneath my words because i was in a worse if not same position two years ago. and i believe that grief is necessary for such a loss. so grieve if you must, shed tears if you must, rage if you must. do what you think it takes for you to be well again. but never think that the world stops for anybody's affliction. so don't be in anguish for too long lest you miss what is is to be alive.
know that we respect what it is you are going through. he is not proud of what he did and neither of us denies the role you had to play in both of our lives. but don't let it consume you. never mar what we have because it was denied from you. and don't let loose words to hurt just because you were. know that although we respect how you must feel right now, i am holding you bound to what you told me when we exchanged text messages. or is your word doubtful? so give us the same respect we give you. let us be and speak no more. because when it you really think about it, what you say falls on deaf ears. i have done enough time for the both of us. we are even. you and i.
Monday, April 11, 2005
pretend you're not reading this.... i've probably had way too much tube or something
there are just things i can't put my finger on with finality because knowing myself, i know that my indecisiveness is something i am saddled with for the rest of my existence, whether it was
with or without my consent.
my indecisions -
coffee or tea?
i love coffee. but tea's ok too. hmmm.i know, it's coffe-- no!!!! it's tea! oh, wait! it's hmmmmm.
violet or white?
i love violet but i keep on wearing white. oh my... the dilemmas i find myself in.
comfy slip-ons/sandals or sneakers?
both are laid back. both don't give much of a damn. ohhhh they are sooooo me. but which one hmmm?
real actors or cartoons?
i love cartoons. but i hate disney. see what i'm talking about?
short or long hair?
short's manageable. but hey, isn't long more manageable? on bad hair days i can just tie it back with a rubber band or something. arrrrgggghhhh.
good or the bad boy?
the bad boy. definitely the bad boy... but now that i know you, i know you're not bad. hell you're not even close to it. but i love you.
with or without my consent.
my indecisions -
coffee or tea?
i love coffee. but tea's ok too. hmmm.i know, it's coffe-- no!!!! it's tea! oh, wait! it's hmmmmm.
violet or white?
i love violet but i keep on wearing white. oh my... the dilemmas i find myself in.
comfy slip-ons/sandals or sneakers?
both are laid back. both don't give much of a damn. ohhhh they are sooooo me. but which one hmmm?
real actors or cartoons?
i love cartoons. but i hate disney. see what i'm talking about?
short or long hair?
short's manageable. but hey, isn't long more manageable? on bad hair days i can just tie it back with a rubber band or something. arrrrgggghhhh.
good or the bad boy?
the bad boy. definitely the bad boy... but now that i know you, i know you're not bad. hell you're not even close to it. but i love you.
Friday, April 01, 2005
a breath of a whisper
here it is, i say to no one in particular..
Much to my chagrin I have been very passively compelled to join the online community with a new sense of vigor and responsibility. I really havent decided on a style for this journal yet. Part of me wishes it to be a podium for some of my more ethereal ideas. Still, another part of me calls, almost demanding, that it be a more personal form of expression. A diary (ugh) perhaps, one with a potential audience of millions, but a practical audeince of only those few friends to which I reaveal it.
These things seem more like a catharthus than anything. It would be like publishing your autobiography in the library of congress a single page at a time. You have the joy of knowing that your life is there, recorded and on public view, but you have the comfort of knowing that it is concealed by the sum of human knowledge. Each of us, to some degree, wants to reveal our nature to the world and admit even our darkest sins. The detention though is more in what is said than who is listening. Seems like a particularly subjectivist point of view there.
God help me if I wander too far down that road..
Much to my chagrin I have been very passively compelled to join the online community with a new sense of vigor and responsibility. I really havent decided on a style for this journal yet. Part of me wishes it to be a podium for some of my more ethereal ideas. Still, another part of me calls, almost demanding, that it be a more personal form of expression. A diary (ugh) perhaps, one with a potential audience of millions, but a practical audeince of only those few friends to which I reaveal it.
These things seem more like a catharthus than anything. It would be like publishing your autobiography in the library of congress a single page at a time. You have the joy of knowing that your life is there, recorded and on public view, but you have the comfort of knowing that it is concealed by the sum of human knowledge. Each of us, to some degree, wants to reveal our nature to the world and admit even our darkest sins. The detention though is more in what is said than who is listening. Seems like a particularly subjectivist point of view there.
God help me if I wander too far down that road..
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