thus far...

thus far, i:

• have renting a condo unit at ortigas for 2 years and have just renewed my contract for yet another year
• have claimed 2 starbucks 2007 planner. one for cy, one for me
• have passed and finished spanish 2 and am planning on enrolling in spanish 3 next sem
• have passed and finished ccna1 and ccna2 and will continue with ccna3 and ccna4 during summer 2007
• have met 6 out of 7 of cy's siblings. the 6 being: avi, xen, fer, vey, bryn and bob.
• have passed the entrance exam to MSCS. my MS classes are officially starting on jan
• have lived 16 yrs. of my life in bacolod and 7 in manila
• have spent 2 christmases in manila away from my family and this time, it's cy's turn to spend christmas at bacolod (our flight home is on the 22nd)
• 3 boyfriends
• 4 people propose to me

...

Parade.. Live a life of love

The flaming sight of my passion
crossing a thousand dreams
passing over the inhuman beasts,
I seize the world in my hands.

The clouds scatter,
and the sun sets again.
This one-man parade starts to move.

Adventure.
Lucky days.
Trails.
Climbing.
Light and darkness.
Encounters.
Life.
Mutual love...

-- How I know these all too well..

And this is why, this is goodbye

it's trivial to be so different when you hide behind a different name. does the change of name perhaps, couple with it a change of attitude? and if it's just change for show, for appearances, then i would understand. but real change?

it doesn't suit you. but of course, i may not be the best person to say that. for what are we now? us and our strange and estranged relationship. did i tell you i was sorry? of course i did. a million times, and perhaps more than i should have. but i guess, my sorries were for naught. sincerity is nothing in the face of a frozen, unbeating heart. how chilling. how thick, a lace of frost you've made to cradle your dead heart.

i may deserve all of this i know, and i have endured only because of the thought and perhaps hope that someday, the space that i created between us i could bridge by my efforts. But Seishun Kyousoukyoku, however wonderful and inspiring a song tells all my lament in the facade of jovial rhythm and hopeful words. perhaps, my heart knew that i could never heal what has transpired. but i knew that i had to try because you were the person that i could not bear to have asunder.

but my you have grown spiteful. and the mouth that used to smile with every little idiocy that we make would not curl upwards no longer. the warm face that i held dear in memory is now devoid of all. stoic. so god damn stoic.

i have lost many a good friend in my lifetime. but i must admit that the loss of you is the greatest and most enfeebling of all. i know that there is nothing to change. even if i will it by force. your animosity is too strong an aura for me to infiltrate.

so this shall be the last. so long dear friend. we shall be strangers as we were when we started when this song sings silent:

Hikarabita kotoba wo tsunaide
Stringing together stale words
Sore demo bokura SIMPLE na
Even so, all we want to do
Omoi wo tsutaetai dake nano
Is to share simple thoughts
Fukinukeru kusunda ano hi no kaze wa
The tickling wind blowing through today
Kinou no haikyo ni uchisutete
Is abandoning the ruins of yesterday
Kimi to warau ima wo ikiru no da
Laughing with you, now we're alive


Sore demo ano dekigoto ga kimi wo kurushimeru daro?
Even so, that incident torments you doesn't it?
Dakara koso sayonara nanda
And that is why this is goodbye

Kono mama nanimo nokorazu ni
Just like that, leaving nothing behind
Anata to wakachiau dake
Just sharing with you
Yagate bokura wa sore ga subete da to ki ga tsuite
Soon we will realize that that was everything
Kanashimi wa hoho wo tsutatte
The sadness going along the cheeks
Namida no kawa ni naru dake
Will only become a river of tears
Yureru omoi wa tsuyoi uzu ni natte
Wavering thoughts will melt into
Tokeau no yo
A strong swirl


Iradachi toka sukoshi kurai no kodoku da toka wa
Irritation and just a little solitude
Ittai sore ga bokura ni totte
Just what exactly is it to us?
Nan' datten daro?
Ima wa DRAMA no naka janain da ze
We're not in the middle of a drama, you know
"Nee, dou dai?"
"Hey, how's it?"
Sono koe ni bokura furikaette mo
That voice.. even if we turn around
Dare mo inai daro?
Nobody's there right?
Dakara koso bokura takaraka ni sakebu no da
And that is why we will scream in roaring voices


Sore demo bokura no koe wa doko nimo todokanai daro?
But even so, our voices won't reach anywhere will they?
Dakara koso sayonara nanda
And this is why this is goodbye

Soshite mata toki wa nagarete
And so again time will go by
Anata to wakachiau dake
Sharing it with only you
Yagate bokura wa sore ga subete da to ki ga tsuite
Soon we will realize that that was everything
Kanashimi wa hoho wo tsutatte
The sadness going along the cheeks
Hitosuji no uta ni naru dake
Will become an ernest poem
Yureru omoi wa tsuyoi uzu ni natte
Wavering thoughts will melt into a strong swirl
Tokeau no yo, tokeau no yo
They'll melt..

Fukinukeru kusunda ano hi no kaze wa
The tickling wind blowing through today
Kinou no haikyo ni uchisutete
Is abandoning the ruins of yesterday

Kono mama nanimo nokorazu ni
Just like that, leaving nothing behind
Anata to wakachiau dake
Just sharing with you
Soshite anata wa ima ga subete da to ki ga tsuite
And so you realized that now is everything
Kanashimi wa hoho wo tsutatte
The sadness going along the cheeks
Namida no kawa ni naru dake
Will only become a river of tears
Soshite bokura wa awai umi ni natte
And so we will become a pale ocean
Tokeau no yo
Melting together..
Tokeau no yo
Melting together..
Tokeau no yo
Melting together..


Yagate bokura wa sore ga subete da to ki ga tsuite
Soon we will realize that that was everything
Yagate bokura wa kanashimi ga hoho wo tsutau koto wo oboete
Soon we will remember the sadness going along the cheeks
Yagate bokura wa, yagate bokura wa
Soon we will... soon we will...
Anatagata to tokeau wake desu yo
We will melt together with all of you
Tokeau wake desu yo
Melt together...

------
The saddest farewell to you DB. It shouldn't have been this way. But it is. And I am sorry.
-your Luna

the red cups have come!

with saturday's final exams over and done with, cisco is finally over! and the verdict? i passed both ccna1 and ccna2. and i'm glad to say that i did just as well for ccna2 as i did during ccna1. cy and i went out to celebrate sunday afternoon by having our favorite crepes at cafe breton podium. i was a bit thirsty from the short walk over so i decided to cool down with a starbucks frap next door and lo and behold! the red cups have come! my favorite cold drink of all time, starbuck's peppermint mocha frappucino is back! and how welcome it is!

look at those sprinkles!

make my first peppermint of the year a venti please!

2 years

cy,

here's to two wonderful years and a lifetime more.

you are stellar!

-rese
--------

Sonnet XVII

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

In a standstill

my mind is someplace else. at least that's one certainty at the moment. the foreground blends all too well into the background that i don't have to blame my usual, selective dyslexia at incomprehension. my mom's come over to visit. and the feeling of accompanying her to wherever she fancies is so strong that it makes my guilt at having to be in ccna training all the more blatant. preferrably, i would have stayed at home and studied on my own. there is nothing worthwhile in the lectures anyway. everything i need to know is found elsewhere, in the book they gave us to use for training, in the interactive web material i downloaded off their site and when all else fails, i have only to type google or wikipedia on my browser and all's well again. thus far, i have been keeping my module exams straight 100s, so i'm sure that i can manage. the only thing worth coming to ust for, are the laboratory sessions. unfortunately, the uninviting laboratory has all the equipment that could put all the theories i have learned so far to work.

but my rant of course, downplays the fact that i miss home. and mama being here magnifies that fact to a point where it robs all competence, drive and focus in me to finish this training.

i had initially planned to fly home for the holidays but the training got move so that it ends on the 31st of october so i had to scratch my intended vacation dates off my starbucks planner. it didn't bother me then but giving that a second look, i'm surprised i had the courage to cross the dates off. what in the world was i thinking? i couldn't be any more melancholic.

i'm signing off this post with a quote..

Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam,
Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home.
-John Howard Payne (1791 - 1852)

so far, so good

i haven't studied and crammed like this since college. a week done and a week more to go. here's a screen capture of my gradebook for ccna1 (click on the image to view a larger one). like i said; so far, so good. hope i do as good or better at ccna2.

a rather hasty update

So obviously, I've been veeeery busy. How busy? Not to be able to post re my bday kind of busy which means i'm basically booked till 2008 cause my bday was soooooo blogworthy (thanks of course to my dear dear cy). My CCNA training starts next week which means more unmanageable stuff for me to try to get through alive. Anyway, enough of my whining. Here is the 411 on my latest developments:

projects (all in UPStrat):
1. Mira - nth iteration
2. Ledgit - closed beta
3. manilaeats - first iteration
4. Hedgehog - zero feature iteration, yet to make concept

school:
1. CCNA1 and CCNA2 Instructor Fast track training at UST - this is basically Cisco Networking stuff. Oct 16-31 ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
2. Basicon - midterms on tom
3. Netopsy - project spects to be given out tom in preparation for my 2 week absence due to item 1 under school (OB of course)
4. MS - after this term, my 75% discount on my MS tuition kicks in. To start my MS next term or not to start?
5. BIR project - prototype up. process side is still screwed thanks to the indecisiveness of the BIR peeps. Every time we set up a meeting, it becomes nothing but a whining session/character assisination/political bickering. Which translates to a 3 hour meeting worth only 30 mins of information that will help us move on with the project.

personal:
1. still have to make cy's surprise in time for his bday which falls on a CCNA training day T_T
2. yet to make cy's surprise for our anniv which is 19 days away and falls on the last day of the CCNA training (dammit)
3. yet to have a massage, hot oil, pedicure and manicure and my eyebrows threaded
4. yet to finish reading making and breaking the grid
5. spanish class: have to catch up
6. violin lessons start as soon as CCNA training is done (free thanks to sir raffy! ^^)
7. still have to dress up researes.com which cy bought for my bday as a surprise
8. still have to port blogs to researes.com and develop back end functionality

dota:
1. last hero used: furion
2. last game played, last night (tsk tsk tsk)
3. until CCNA is done, my dota playing days will be on leave

So if my blog remains unupdated for the next couple of weeks, don't be surprised. Try to contact me though if it still is in 2 months. Maybe you'll find my corpse in UST. In case you do, please don't forget to put in my tombstone 'Died in CCNA training. Damn you Cisco.'

Thanks.

vientitres

23 is such a big number, especially if you've had unrealistic expectations from yourself- when you've estimated to have already climbed a comfortable spot away from the novices in a corporate setting, when you've imagined yourself to be living on your earnings complete with a fat bank account, a pad of my own and a car to boot, when you've told yourself to have already started wedding plans and other whatnots.

Yes, 23 is a big number. Enormous. And just looming to uncomfortably near.

A couple of days from now, my eldest brother is going to celebrate his 27th birthday and I'm sorry that I couldn't possibly be physically present to celebrate such a feat with him. Five days after he celebrates his 27th birthday, I'll be turning 23.

I have no qualms with getting old. I do however have some rather unsavory thoughts of getting old without getting anywhere. At 23, I'll be nowhere near a comfy spot from the noobies in a corporate environment. Instead, I'll be assistant lecturer in the academic scene and a co-founder of a software company that specializes in cutting edge web based solutions. Both an incredible feat to some but when compared to the goals i set upon myself to achieve during my college years, way, way out of point. At 23, I'm living off my own salary in the sense that I get to pay rent, the association dues, the utility bills and a dsl subscription without asking for a cent from my parents but I am nowhere near having a fat bank account and a pad of my own. I have a car but technically speaking, it's a conjugal property with Cy so I wouldn't dare classify it as mine alone. And lastly, the plans of walking down the aisle are there but Cy and I have talked about saving up first despite questions of his family members about when the big date is finally going to pop up. I blush everytime. Cy grins everytime. But plans are not wedding plans until you get gowns fitted and menus ordered.

So here I am, days away from facing the day when I wake up and it'll be another whole year for me. And judging things based on my previous expectations, I am one utter failure. But unexpectedly, it doesn't bother me as much as the thought of getting and heading nowhere did in my college years. I have a dog that adores the path I walk on (not to mention my laundry basket and basically anything I leave lying on the floor), a loving and understanding family that misses me whenever I forget to phone home, an endearing bunch of soon to be in-laws who worry about me as much as my family does when I get sick, college and high school friends that keep in touch and of course, a love of a lifetime. For me there is one man and one earth and thus, I live only once. And if that doesn't count as something grand, then perhaps nothing ever will.

la lluvia

tengo gusto de él cuando llueve. i like it when it rains. tengo gusto de despertar a él. i like waking up to it. i like the cool that invades my room, making the airconditioning unnecessary and next to useless. inutil. i like the fog sticking to the windows, the coldness of which seep through your skin, stealing your warmth in the natural laws of heat transfer, as soon as you dare to touch the once clear glass, now beaded with drops of rain. some, succumbing to gravity and falling, bumping those on its way down to form a bigger clear sphere. more certain of going down. abajo. siempre abajo.

mis sentidos quiero siempre la lluvia. my senses always romanced the rain. and i am forever eager for its return the moment it withdraws. always greedy for it to stay. eternally lustful of it when it is away.constantly and decidedly selfish to those who do not share my sentiments. it is, after all, the closest piece of heaven i can attain as a prisoner of gravity. heaven in so small a package. tan pequeño un paquete.

it is to my ignominy that i admit that there had been a time that i wished for the rain not to come. i wished for it not to find me, caught so unaware as to be drenched and helpless and eventually shivering from cold. my feet, that of which i am so conscious and careful about are reduced to nails whose underneath pale a violent violet. the arch no longer white and creamy, but a lump of veins threatening to bulge themselves out of my skin. una qué vergüenza. shame, that i have to admit all those, even to myself. i had come to doubt that perhaps the reason that i love the rain is probably because i never saw both its sides. when i was in highschool, i was driven to and from school. and i never had the inconvenience or the adventure of commuting. in college, my dormitory was but a pedestrian cross away from school and i had discovered to my convenience, routes that shielded me from the rain. i had loved. but i doubted that love because for a moment, i thought i only did love the rain because i saw only, as i rarely do, the good side of it. i thought that perhaps, i had nursed that thought until it grew into a full affair.

out of the two years since i left college, i had to commute via the mrt then the lrt just to get to school. where i would spend two hours on my lecture classes and stay for just a while to catch up on the latest developments of the BIR project i was assigned to. and ever since the tropical depression, my rides became an adventure. a game of hide and seek between me and the rain. that which i loved. i became wary at the signs of rain at the sky. i became irritable when i got caught in its wake. and i finally admitted that perhaps, i had loved blindly.

and i finally admitted to cy that perhaps he was right. that perhaps, i only loved the rain because of my one-sided perspective of it. most people would gloat over a victory. spread it thin until it becomes inappropriate to the point of irritating and rub it in. pero no el. no el. not him. not my cy. he, well we, bought a car. his family's car more specifically since bob was planning on buying a new one when he gets home come august. a 2000 Civic model of Honda make, manual transmission just as we both like it to be. it's second hand but it's well maintained and i have no complaints about its engine. a few scratches and scrapes here and there but it's of no real consequence. no es importante. what matters is that cy and i can go where we need to be, safe and comfortable. driving each other around. it's our biggest conjugal property as of date.

pero esto no está sobre ése. it's not about the car at all. it's about romance. and the infinite chances that exist despite the smallest of possibilities. to cy i am thankful. because he gave me back the rain. and i nothing if humbled.

kudos to you my cy. te quiero para siempre.

Son of ..

Mac. That's exactly what it means. In the realm of names, Mac is used in family names to indicate that you are the son of . You know those posts where people try to enrich your education by giving you a vast history of something? Like the history of names for example? Well this is not one of those posts.

Far from the depths of general knowledge, this is actually nothing but a shallow status report. Brief at its best and if not, descriptive at the least.

So I'm still trying to get myself used to Mac OS. Being a Windows user ever since I got my hands on a PC, I'm telling you this is no trivial task. Learning is hard. But I guarantee you that unlearning things that you are so used to that they have already become second nature is harder. This is so reminiscent of my fumbling Dvorak days where I traded in my Qwerty keys back last year's summer. Now, the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog is equivalent to yd. 'gcjt xpr,b urq hgmlo rk.p yd. na;f eri Completely keyboard gibberish wouldn't you say?

Anyway, taking a stand requires sacrifices - a lot if you are swimming against the current. And the current is Qwerty and Windows. Here's a typical scenario whenever Cy and I go to a lan shop to kill people. Not actually kill them per se' but pawn their heads for gold in a game called Defense of the Ancients, more popularly known to the masses as DOTA. So anyway, the moment we get to time in, the first thing we do (almost like automatons) is to go to regional settings and add Dvorak as a keyboard input scheme. Why not use Dvorak for our hotkeys, changing every hotkey would require some hacks on several files and besides, the convenient remnant of our Qwerty is surprisingly enough to press the right hotkeys. Translation: we're too lazy to edit the right files and change them back before we leave as courtesy to the next user.

So away from my digression and back to my point (it seems that lately I've been having a lot of 'points' and I'm beginning to wonder if it's a good thing or a bad thing). Trying to ditch my Windows habits and trying to crawl my way in to getting what I want done is sluggish. But there are improvements. I'm trying to get a lot of materials, podcasts, videos etc that would help me jumpstart my Mac prowess (note to self: riiiiiiighhhhhhhht). Oh well, pain is pain if anything at all, I still have my desktop pc booted with Windows. Anyhoo, I did say that I adapt, easily.

it must be christmas

Christmas came a bit too early this year. What started out as a half hearted joke materialized into one of the items in my wishlister list. Actually not just one item. But the item. Nieve blanco pura. White snow. Pure, white snow.

I have learned at the age of 12 that Santa Claus was a myth. Demystified, I struggled between telling my parents just how disillusioned I was about their deception and trying to manage a look of surprise and glee whenever I opened the presents Santa Claus supposedly sent me for being a darling angel all year round.

Ten years after learning that, I learned something else. Oh yes, Santa Claus was and still remains a myth. And I don't know if I should spoil some child's notion of christmas every year by whispering that there is no Santa Claus or just leave it to time. Surely, they'll find out like I did that the big fat guy with rosy cheeks dressed in red is nothing but a figment of someone's drugged imagination. The guy who popularized santa claus was probably himself delusional bordering on the psychopathic who thought of this stupid idea of creating a overly cheerful person that took a fancy wearing red in ink. And the world of literature, fickle, fickle world, gobbled the whole idea hook line and sinker. *Burp*

But there's this thing with fiction and the characters that proliferate in it. Whether or not they are true or not in real life is beside the point. Because it is in the nature of literature, of whatever form it takes, to embed the characters of real people in heroes and heroines, villains and supporting characters and the strangers that litter the figurative world. Our traits become their own. And we learn to relate to them like real people. Because there are real people behind the characters of ink.

So what's my point? My point is, there is still no Santa Claus. He is but a popularized fat geezer that wears red and is forgotten the days before we even take down our christmas trees and it's stupid to believe that he exists. But there are real people. And there are real people blessed with kind hearts and generosity that share what they have with others no matter the season. There is cy's family that welcome me with smiles and warm meals every time I come and visit. There is my family who never grow tired of sharing a laugh with me or two no matter how silly. There is Cousteau who despite of making a mess of the apartment ( I swear I don't know where he gets all the news and tissue papers from), is glad to see me every time I come home and is not afraid to show it. There too are strangers who show me the beauty and divinity of being human with an unexpected kindness. And of course there is cy who perhaps is the epitome of a stupid man that never tires of giving ^^.

Today, my santa claus is without a doubt, my Tita Aida and Tito Mario. Why? They, with no questions asked, bought me item number 1 in my wishlister, a MacBook. In fact, I'm writing this entry now using the MacBook and I'm telling you, I still don't know whether I'm to laugh or cry or both or alternate through paroxysms.

What started out as an all too verbal self-talk overheard by my dad became this. This entry because of a MacBook that my aunt and uncle bought for me.

Summer has gone and it's raining cats and dogs because of the tropical depression and the hurricane that it brought here in the Philippines. But it might as well be Christmas all over again.

I never knew that it snows here in the Philippines. Did you? Anyway, now I let the pictures do the talking.

look at my screen! yes, i'm blogging away

now will you look at that?

Ditto.

don't mind the messy bookshelf at the back. general cleaning is scheduled in the pm

isn't cousteau adorable?

Thanks to Cy for playing the paparazzi. More pictures will be uploaded on my flicker account soon!

the world is a blur. and most of the time, i come and go like one through the ticking of the clock. not that i'm complaining. there is time. but most of the time, not enough of it to suit my taste. so i compromise. i cut short my sleeping hours. and i also multitask as best as i could: i recall my lesson or listen to a podcast as i commute to school, i try to get some shut eye in the not too comfortable fx ride from school to work, and i try to fix schedules while i work. my weekends are flooded with schedules and if i happen to be free, i cannot forget the class' pile of papers that do nothing but just that: pile up.

there are those that are there whether you come and go. there are others who you only chance upon once you come and go. and there are those that never seem to chance upon you because you come and go. to the first i'm more than grateful, to the second delighted and to the third, saddened.
pura tonteria, pura sabiduria

installment 1 of x

in a post in january, i answered on the last set of 3s question that i wanted to write a book before i die. technical or not, here is my first installment.

we were strangers in meeting. we were but names with associated faces no more and no less than an occasional hello and a cautious smile. you never cared wearing a smile, not even half of it as you strided to and fro snapping your fingers to the beat of your steps. and for a time, that sound was a beacon of your proximity. a rhythmic pulse of my unconscious awareness of your presence that confined itself to 15 min breaks and lunches.

the room was cool but the jacket i was wearing kept me warm. it was one of those endless summers where days stayed indistinguishable from each other. and thus, i was unaware if it was a monday, a tuesday or any other day of the week. one afternoon, you were standing directly in
my line of sight, a few rows away as i put on chapstick. how you got there i don't know. you might have been walking back to your cubicle after printing a test page. perhaps you might have just stood up and was heading to the bathroom. you had on one of those simple collared shirts which college students never gave up wearing. i knew that despite the faded colors, it was scrupulously clean and i wondered if you did laundry yourself or if a housemaid did it for you and your family.

i kept swiping my lips with the balm as i innocently indulged my imagination with your supposed demographics just as i have done with many others before to kill time. then as if an orchestrated moment, our eyes met, held and then gave way to modesty.

had i known that our locked gaze signified the conception of something wonderful, i would have noted in my journal the date and time of the event. but aside from your face gaining clarity in memory, i noticed nothing and so shrugged the urge to reach for my pen and journal. but i had often wondered since then if we'd find our eyes locked again if i rose from my seat and started
putting on chapstick.

my baby made me really proud.

he has big, dark and deep set eyes. very depictive of his papa.

he is 4 months old, moreno like his papa, takes a liking to wearing white socks and mittens. he drools a lot but i guess that's just the way they are at this stage. he seems smart. he doesn't cry much and talks only when necessary. and he has faces too! very surprising for his age actually. he smiles, he smirks, he frowns, and you know when he's curious. his name is cousteau. after the great marine explorer jacques cousteau. one of the very few that inspire me.

i have been trying to put off writing this entry until i set up a photoblog for him or at least until i get decent pictures of him but i can't help it, i am beyond myself with bliss. cousteau is my chihuahua. cy gave him to me last valentines (i gave him an ipod) and we had our first obedience training session a few hours ago. cousteau was fantstic. he walked proud, like the pure bred baby that he is. jun, the trainor commented on many things which made me puff up with pride. my baby, jun said, had a good, apple-core shaped head, has a good fawn-colored fur that turns white at the tips, his feet, the tip of his tail, his snout, as if he's wearing socks and mittens and he's really smart, quick to learn and consequently easy to teach. oh, i could have risen off the floor if i hadn't gotten hold of the nearby table where i kept cousteau's stuff. i brought his water dispenser, some tissue just in case he had to go which ever number and some treats to the roofdeck of the condiminium where jun and i taught my baby his tricks.

we're having another one this coming friday. and if anybody asks, i'm using the money i got from teaching at dlsu (well half of it anyway, i went on a shopping spree yesterday getting myself a nike bag, a new pair of classy white slip-ons, 2 new shirts i couldn't pass up... i was planning to buy the white mango bikini i saw the other day but somebody already bought it when i came by the store *sob*) to pay for his training.

i am so excited. i have never felt so alive. a lot of things has been happening and i'm liking where i'm heading. for one, i finished the initial mock-up for weddingcakesbysylvia (upstrat's 2nd or 3rd client) and i'm not just about to post it yet here until sylvia signs it off despite cy's relentless pestering. my blockmates and i are finally going to have another get together. the iterinary, virgin beach resort this may 13 for the am and it's off to tagaytay for the night. cy's coming and susanna's eager to finally meet him. and there's the dlsu ccs planning/team building this may 18 (the sy starts at may 29). my spanish lessons is also coming up (finally, i'm finally going to be able to continue the language) and of course, there is the list of summer movies that cy and i are planning to catch. it looks like may becomes me. ^^

---

as for growing up, well the first sign of it is when you're ready to think for yourself and decide for yourself. but more importantly, the ability to stand for those two things in the face of opposition even from those you hold dear. buying the grocery or keeping stuff neat and tidy is child's play. i've been doing them, among many other things like paying the bills (electricity, water and when i graduated, the rent and association fees) ever since 1st yr college and they never made me feel any more mature. and the body clock that was almost automaton i prided myself in college is coming back after a month of absence. i guess what i'm trying to say is that there are many aspects to maturity and although handling responsible stuff like those is a tiny step closer to maturity, it's just the tip of the iceberg. anyone can play house. even the kids can do it. if you want to be really mature, try obtaining emotional and intellectual maturity.

First Of Summer (Urban Dub)

Parked car
This night sky
Makes city lights shine like diamonds
Our song plays on the radio

We're living it up
Make this night ours
We own the world
I wish this lasts forever
Alone with you tonight
Further in you feels so right.

We're giving it up in just a little more
This heartfelt leap i surrender
Arms raised tonight
arms raised

Drive me away
'cause the night just feels right
Take me away with you tonight
Anywhere with you.

Alone with you tonight

some great need

2:19 and it starts. i feel it. the weight. i've been carrying it around way too far than i should that i thought that i had gotten used to the feel of it. but now. i'm fully cognizant. and the concrete is pulling me down hard. don't get me wrong though. the guy who put his hand on you has got nothing to do with me.

and i hope in whispers, gravid and eager, that the bruises that i feel will heal. but it doesn't and i suspect that it never really shall. it acts swiftly, mostly in unexpected bursts. and it gnaws, eating me up inside. i wish i still had my lighter. i used to give it nervous flicks to keep out the inevitable. like a deep breath before the plunge..

pardon my retreat. some great need in me is starting to bleed..

the power of chalk

the 3rd term for sy 2005-06 officially ended monday, course card day. i got a fair range of reactions from my students. but between frustration and relief (and the infinite permutations that connect the two extremes of this particular continuum) i think most of my students felt the latter. which is good since i have seen lab reports and exams that tell me that the larger part of my classes learned what they had to. never mind the secret messages that aren't so secret in the reports that they pass to me every week. some containing 'best teacher', 'thank you's and even a 'happy valentines' on february. and i could play stupid and ignore the fact that they have been trying to take pictures of me (which i try with outmost innocence to avoid by retreating to the lab in search for new parts 'just in case they needed some'). and for those who didn't want to take pictures, they contented themselves with printing (i know... total lack of ink) the picture off my yearbook's cd copy.

of course, i was beside myself when my students actually thanked me for their grades. in which case i would put on a straight face and tell them that i only computed them.
yes, this term turned out great. more than great actually. (and the chair of our dept has assured me that i got high ITEO results too! well that and that he's pumping up more load for me next term which is what i want..)

but enough of next term. right now i have to concentrate on the lecture i am to give on monday on robotics summer camp. dlsu has one every summer. i'm tackling robotics via lego. and i really have to prep up on this one since the last time i touched a lego robotics invention system was in 3rd yr college. way, way back in college. i have to carefully lay out what i'll be saying as i'll be discussing for 3 hours. i really, really have to prep up otherwise i'd have to rename this entry the power of choke (which of course i'm hoping i won't need to).

i've still a lot to talk about but i have to halt for now. priorities are priorities and perhaps, i'm not that indecisive anymore.

mental note: does that mean i'll have to change my blog?

my books have arrived!

patience was never one of my virtues. i remember hazel asking me on a ym conversation last week why i think it isn't (one of my virtues i mean). and characteristically true enough i replied because it was too slow.
you could imagine therefore my utter vexation at our country's postal service which took sluggish 2 months to deliver books i have ordered in december when i made my intentions as a designer clear. here they are at last! sitepoint's html utopia and css anthology to add to css zen garden and the rss feeds of design articles by ALA, kevin leitch, zeldman and mark boulton.

(due to lack of a digicam, i got pictures off the web instead)

Html Utopia

CSS Anthology

I the problem I have been silently whining about regarding my lack of reading materials is solved as of this glorious moment.

Ah. Rapture.

Thanks to UPStrat for making this all possible. Kudos to us!

cy it seems, never tires of giving me bouquets of stargazer liliums.
and i, it seems, will never tire of receiving them.

what lies beneath

it only takes a right click to see the horrors that lie beneath a seemingly innocuous layout laden with good images and a tit for tat text. the domain or site the images are pulled out from, the incompliance to standards, the inefficiency, the alt text which should have imployed the title attribute, the use of tables to display non-tabular data... even if the whole body has been commented out of display, it's sure to come out with a simple right click and a view source. anything and everything... it's all there. the so-called naked truth, rendered and undeniably so.

surprising how you can find more info from a person with markup than with the written word.

I am nothing special; of this i am sure. i am a common woman with common thoughts, and i've led a common life. there are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but i've loved with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.

-the notebook

to cy, the one who shares with me a neruda romance.

a happy valentines indeed

loving, being loved and being in love with cy is like a neruda. on the designated day for love (single awareness for those in the other side of the fence) cy and i celebrated like we do everyday, a love that was made our own.

we both got off from work late and had dessert at my place. chocolate mallow cake and buko pandan. cy had wanted me to remember, and i did, the time that my brother was supposed to buy us buko pandan from max and bought instead, buko pandan zagu. my anticipation dampened, i had resorted to a silent fit and cy seeing how disappointed i was, took off and rectified the situation. strange, cy said, how buko pandan could instantly make me happy and my brother replied that it was not the buko pandan.

full from dessert but empty of ideas to celebrate valentines, we capriciously decided to spend the night at cy's place. arriving at cy's house a taxi ride after and being ushered in by porjax (cy's dad) and mai (his mom), we hastily ate lasagna and headed to the fair at sunken garden.

the moon was wide eyed and occasionally obscured from view by a film of passing clouds as we proceeded to watch the bands that offered their music. a tree on the back of the stage posed as an efficient eye candy, being struck by the stage's lights which made it glow a deep violet, red, yellow or green. i counted two planes pass by as the stars gleamed their brightest.

under the canopy of stars, i felt what no philosopher or poet could ever put into words. you're right cy. we are blessed.

happy valentines to my significant other. ily.

happiness

good music.
good coffee.
good man.
good day.

happiness.

updates

it's late and i should be sleeping but instead this. i confuse myself thinking how i manage to generate enough energy to stay awake and blog considering i've spread myself way too thin today and this post isn't so urgent that it can't wait after an encounter with the sandman. but i guess, keeping busy is something that suites me well given the decrease in need for caffeine fixes and the decline of aimless musing. and i have been busy, not just with my pet projects but with almost everything, meetings for yehey's sign-in, globe's g-cash integration, my experiments for class, design and technical editing. the time between busy and panting for my breath, i fill with listening to design related podcasts and reading design articles while i'm having tea at breton. workaholic indeed. probably why my mom is so persistent that i take vitamins.

so that should give a somewhat uninviting idea of my life. what can i say, i am an introvert and a bore.

to cy: i've been keen on designing for usability... i'll be putting some theories into application on my next layouts. hehehehe. valentines is coming and i've got something you might like for you. p.s. i'd trade no peppermit frapuccino for you.

that is perhaps how i am happiest with you. alone in the solice of each other's mind yet together in stride, hands held, grip neither loose nor tight but a perfect fit as if our palms were molded to be so. for love is not in wanting but in remembrance and yearning in absence. i remember. and i yearn.

of current interests

aside from my daily caffeine fix, i'm trying to keep my sanity with:

podcasting - subscribed to the ff: The Web 2.0 Show, Audible Ajax, Graphical Rescue, Learning 2.0 Tip of the Week, Photoshop Radio, Adobe Production Studio, WebDevDesign - 21 Century

typography/typesetting - my resource wishlist are: The Non-Designer's Type Book, Typographic Design: Form & Communication, The Elements of Typographic Style, Alphabet: The History, Evolution & Design of Letters We Use Today and The End of Print: The Grafik Design of David Carson... of course, until the CSS books i ordered online find their way out of Timbuktu and find their way to eager me. for my online resources, you'll have to see my bookmarks.

chihuahua care - trying to read bulks on how to be a mommy to my soon to be baby: a 3 month, all-white, male chihuahua pup (to be christened Cousteau after the great marine explorer Jacques Cousteau). i have yet to puppy proof my pad though. much hugs to cy for this v-day gift.

writing with my left hand - i've just resumed this little exercise of mine. an attempt at ambidexterity i suppose.

these few things, i'll have to queue up some time but not now:

drawing anime
spanish (picking up where i left off)
classical guitar (picking up where i left off)
bass guitar (picking up where i left off)

ahhhh. mediocre i know but they keep me sane.

Bella Luna - Jason Mraz

Mystery the moon
A hole in the sky
A supernatural nightlight
So full but often right
A pair of eyes a closin' one
A chosen child of golden sun
A marble dog that chases cars
To farthest reaches of the beach and far beyond into the swimming sea of stars

A cosmic fish they love to kiss
They're giving birth to constellation
No riffs and oh no reservation
If they should fall you get a wish or dedication
May I suggest you get the best
For nothing less than you and i
Let's take a chance as this romance is rising over before we lose the lighting
Oh bella bella please
Bella you beautiful luna
Oh bella do what you do

You are an illuminated anchor
Of leads to infinite number
Crashing waves and breaking thunder
Tiding the ebb and flows of hunger
You're dancing naked there for me
You expose all memory
You make the most of boundary
You're the ghost of royalty imposing love
You are the queen and king combining everything
Intertwining like a ring around the finger of a girl
I'm just a singer, you're the world
All I can bring ya
Is the language of a lover
Bella luna, my beautiful
How you swoon me like no other

May I suggest you get the best
Of your wish may I insist
That no contest for little you or smaller i
A larger chance happened, all them they lie
On the rise, on the brink of our lives
Bella please
Bella you beautiful luna
Oh bella do what you do
Bella luna, my beautiful
How you swoon me like no other

**
oh my. my thanks mr. a-z

perspective pries my once weighty eyes and it gives me wings

i guess it must really be hard to see past anything beyond the sight of your own two eyes. harder still because you refuse to see anything else lest the truth incapacitate you for all that you are worth. you turn to anything, rage, despair and the all too chronic reason for anything that defies reason and denies scrutiny: faith. yes, the omnipotent is perhaps the greatest of all allies one can get when facing such a violent truth. yes, it gives the greatest placebo effect of all. apparently, in the ecstacy of divine intervention, one can talk of understanding without acceptance. as if the two were even separable!

yes, people fall out of love. but it is not such a tragedy, not more other than being the other side of the coin of falling in love. what amazes me is how one can talk of such an affliction (falling out of love) when the premise (to fall out of love the existence of love must at first hold true) is nothing but a fabrication of your own make. a reality conditioned to be so and then later referred to as serendipity at work. tell me, is it a part of serendipity to make yourself as visible as possible to someone you like until they finally get to see you in the fashion that you wish to? i don't know how you do it. become a returning customer for his cd burning business, call him up and ask them to come by to fix your pc, ask the whole class to tease both of you. that would definitely get his attention i suppose (why not write 'i like you' in your generous forehead instead?). yes. that's real serendipity at work. at least now, when i'll think about lady luck, i'll have a definite muse in mind.

if i'm lucky, i'll not be misunderstood as you read between the lines. take those goddamn blinders off your eyes. nothing can twist the truth more than understanding only the parts that do not hurt you. selective understanding is not understanding at all.

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss
-Mr Brightside, The Killers

Misunderstanding is very easy to do, and can create catastrophe out of nothing.

This is my opinion, whether you agree with it or not.

But I have the right to express them.

defragmentation (or more appropirately, the lack of it)

i need mental catharsis. i really need to get my thoughts sorted and then carefully tuck them in labelled boxes inside my head. i don't need another day of jumbled musings i can't argue myself either out of or into. it cripples my efficiency tenfold.

blame it on a bad synapse feeding immediate sensory perception into faculty of reason. i need my sanity. i need a peppermit mocha frappucino. i need perspective to pry my weighty eyes. i need it to give me wings.

Introversion

I grew up around a lot of people but somehow at school, I never got the lot of making fast friends. Nor numerous ones. I had a couple, not enough to occupy every finger on a hand but they were for keeps. For a time, I came to think, and just naturally so that the quantity of your friends speak about you as a person. You could imagine my insecurity at having only so little that it came to a point that I mused if I was a bad person. I was a good student not only in an academic light. I was on the honor's list, I got sent to writing competions to represent the school and i won, i was in the volleyball varsity team. yes, i was perhaps a good student but that did not exempt me from pulling a good prank or two. All in all, i was a good specimen of holistic development yet why is it that i had only a number of friends? This of course, led me to observe those that had a lot. Let's just say that the my observation did not encourage my need to have more friends and so my attention was turned to possible underlying facts that might explain why it is that i have a few friends.

It was only in college that I learned psychology and true enough, I got my answer however late. an introvert is someone who find other people tiring, or at least that's my definition of it. introverts are not necessarily shy. shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings. introverts also, are not misanthropic but i go along with sarte as far as to say that "Hell is other people at breakfast." Given of course that they're not my friends.

anyway, i'm glad that an exhaustive research via google search reveals that i am not alone. but, it is undeniable that i am part of the minority (25% that is to be exact). a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population - as proved by studies that introverts process information differently than other people. introverts tend to be more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive. introverts tend to think before talking while others think by talking. and i'm not making this up. i quote Jonathan Rauch on that.

anyway, this puts loads off my back after being called a loner or isolated at the office. if you bump into me, be sure to: one, understand that my being an introvert is not a choice, it is an orientation, two, never ask me if i'm alright or what's the matter when you see me lost in thought and lastly, don't say anything else either. hehehe.

i'm fine. you're fine. in small doses.

after 3 years of wearing long hair. i cut it short again. surprisingly, cy didn't mind like i thought he would. i know it wasn't right but it felt soooo good.

incubus' nice to know you was playing at the back of my mind while i watched my hair fall to the floor. i shut my eye. i could swear i could hear the sea.

my descent from the moon

i have come to realize that perhaps the sea is more captivating than the moon. i have also come to realize that surf is a better personification of me than the night's pale eye. farewell to the night. farewell to my place in the sky.

i am my own silent world.
i rush to your shores and withdraw in white foams of graceful undulation.
always with the promise of return.

you only know me to the deepest that Cousteau went in his lifetime.

re: faculty of the college of computer studies, dlsu-manila

i think i conducted the class well. i was nervous for the first few minutes but it surprisingly died down after i found my voice. i was even able to display a bit of wit when i lay down my house rules. lolz!

by the time i got to the faculty room, i counted a sizable number of students greeting me along the hallway. how cool is that!? i guess news does spread rather quickly. hehehehe

i'm eager for my next class on friday.

stellar

meet me in outer space

last night, cy and i had a very long talk galvanized from one item in my previous post titled '3'. yes, i want to write a book. it may not be something significant and i can't even guarantee that it would be of any real consequence to this world but still i hope that i'd be able to do it simply because it matters to me.

i have yet to think of a plot, the characters and such but on the large part, i am entirely confident that i'd be able to think of it all in due time. i guess, abstractly, i have already something in mind. it would be nothing but a series of musings inspired from significant events in my life. and i am thankful that although admittedly not a part of the whole of it, cy has offered to help me remember parts of it.

and thus we came to discuss beginnings and progression.

it might be the only way that i can show you how it feels to be...

it was when i asked him how it is that he came to notice me that i was most uplifted. although i always considered him to be stellar, (because of a certain history of that song way back in our canon days concerning winpop-ups) for a brief moment, i was incarnated from lunar to stellar.

how do you do it? make me feel like i do

stellar. that was his analogy. it doesn't fit the traditional form of a song and it might take a second hear for someone to fully appreciate the beauty of its composition. but the more you hear it, the more clearly you see how each instrument fits to form the whole of it. it is in its demystification that it is most beautiful, transcending everything to crystal clear clarity.

you are stellar

now, i give you back the title of stellar as i fall down a step to become lunar. but know that that brief moment is most appreciated.

faculty of the college of computer studies, dlsu-manila

today i'll be heading back to school again. although this time, not as a student but as a teacher! last saturday, i had my teaching demo and my interview and i was glad 2 hours later to know that i've met the qualifications and that they'd be happy to have me as a part time faculty member. today will be my first class for the trimester(3rd sem sy 2005-06 started wed, jan 04). i'd been given 6 units to handle, linclab (linear circuits laboratory) and commlab (electronics and communications laboratory). i was to be given 2 lecture classes initially but there was a conflict with the schedule of my current job (as i'd be keeping it and teaching part time and the cto actually encouraged me to take the job at dlsu!) so i opted for the next best thing, on a time table basis of course.

so i'll be having my thesis adviser as the chair of ccs-ct (that's college of computer studies, computer technology department) and my previous teachers as my co-faculties. how mental is that? the best thing about this is that it is completely in stride with my plans of taking up a masteral. not only that, for a given period of teaching residency, i'll be getting discounts on tuition (currently 50% but reaching sizable increments of up to 100% depending on residency). but masteral is another story and it's not one that's exactly around the corner (but i guess it is inevitable) so i'll be focusing on teaching for now.

as a by-the-way, cy and i went to robinson's place manila afterwards to celebrate. we ate at chef's (my treat) and i bought a kamiseta blouse, cy bought me a plains and prints blouse (thank you!), played dota at elim's and we even saw an advance screening of the chronicles of narnia:the lion, the witch and the wardrobe (it was captivating). so the whole saturday for me was a natural yet eternal high.

anyway, come noon, i'll be heading to taft... good luck to me!

3

a friend of my asked me a collection of questions of which i am to give 3 answers.

here goes:

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1 Therese
2 Rese
3 Tere

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1 I adapt. Easily.
2 I can excel in almost anything I do.
3 I can express myself. Verbally or otherwise.

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1 I Procrastinate
2 I am the most indecisive person I know
3 I have unbelievable mood swings

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1 Good genes
2 Great Family ties
3 A good name

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1 Losing someone important suddenly
2 Dying not having done anything significant in this world
3 Being deemed unable or inadequate by people important to me

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1 A bath
2 Intellectual stimulation
3 A moment for myself

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1 Red Madrid Birk
2 'France' my Addidas jacket
3 DKNY timepiece

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS/ARTISTS AT PRESENT:
1 Incubus
2 Maroon5
3 Dave Matthew's Band

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1 Stellar
2 A Lifetime
3 Just Feel Better


THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:
1 Continue learning guitar
2 Finish my portfolio
3 Go somewhere I haven't been yet

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1 Honesty
2 Romance
3 Good Convesation - Good conversations, Good silences

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE: (figure out which is which)
1 I am a living contradiction
2 I like pink
3 I surprise even myself

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1 Eyes
2 Shoulders
3 Lips

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:
1 Be in a relationship just for the sex
2 Placidly accepting anything - everything is subject to scrutiny, reason and argument first
3 Be angry at someone forever

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1 Aimless musings
2 Aimless conversations
3 Games/sports

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1 Decline Sir Jan his job offer and tell him to stick it up his ***
2 Go on a well earned vacation
3 Tell Papa that I'm sorry

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1 Designing
2 Teaching
3 Law?

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1 Japan
2 Spain
3 Egypt

THREE KID'S NAMES:
1 Gaia
2 Lucien
3 Cillian (not sure yet as Cy and I discussed that we'd only have 2)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1 Prove some particular people that B***e isn't the only way to go
2 Raise creative intelligent, passionate and morally upright children
3 Write a book

Sonnet LXVI

I do not love you--except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
from waiting to not waiting for you
my heart moves from the cold into the fire.
I love you only because it's you I love;
I hate you no end, and hating you
bend to you, and the measure of
my changing love for you
is that I do not see you but love you blindly.
Maybe the January light will consume
my heart with its cruel
ray, stealing my key to true calm.
In this part of the story I am the one who
dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
because I love
you,
Love, in fire and in blood.


-- Pablo Neruda

monch

for making you wait.
for leaving you hanging.
for making you give up.
for making you feel less than what you are.
for making it so that it is past the point of apology.
for making it so that it is beyond the bounds of friendship.

i'm sorry and i god damn miss you.