on the 25th, cy and i found ourselves on a bus speeding across the south super highway and headed for the metropolis. we got off at atc a jeepney ride later. we meandered and after a time, we ate lunch at gerry's grill. we got tickets to a movie and meandered some more while waiting for the screening time to clock out.
atc is a place i miss. i used to go there a lot during my college weekends when i would sleep at my cousin's place at bf homes lp. i would go home on a friday afternoon or evening, and come back monday early morning to the welcome of my dormitory. after a year of atc abstinence, i'm glad i got to go with cy.
anyway, as we were looking for the store francesco for my red madrid birk (to cut my white one some slack from use) that cy will buy for me as a christmas present, we found ourselves window shopping at fossil and i saw sunglasses that would suit cy better than the one he currently had one. it was an angelika. and it came in brown/bronze and white/silver. cy opted for the brown/bronze and i bought it for him. he wanted to buy me the white/silver but after inspection, i found it a bit deformed. there was some pouting and oh wells until the clerk informed me that the branch over at festival had the same model. after the movie we headed for festival mall. i have forgotten how big it was and it took some time before we found the store.
we spent christmas rather unconventionally considering that we should be at cy's place. but i'm not one to complain. i guess diliman would have to wait until my next visit.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
east heaven 168
on the 24th, cy and i found ourselves heading home (his home that is) as i was invited to spend christmas at their place. i had taken care in wrapping their gifts, a body shop bergamot cologne for mai and a giordano cap (a style i do not know but much like a paper boy's) for balolo (the christmas basket and the ham i gave a week earlier). unfortunately, my tokens never reached the foot of their christmas tree as 20 mins after arriving, we saw ourselves out.
i had seated myself on their living room while they conversed and caught up with each other. i then saw a bunch of photos and saw an old one of cy's. it took 5 mins for cy to ask me what was wrong and i did my explanation by pointing at the offensive photograph. cy took the photograph from the book case and disappeared out of sight. he emerged 5 mins later carrying his luggage and saying nothing except for me to take my things. i was dumbstruck- but i obeyed. as cy stormed out of the house, i waved a sheepish goodbye to mai, balolo and ebi while trying to stay in stride.
cy told me that he had thrown that particular photograph away a long time ago even before we got together and that he was just as surprised as i was when he saw it there. apparently cy said, mai had retrieved the photograph as it was not in her nature to throw away anything. he ripped it apart he said. he doesn't want me to feel violated in any way. and i was violated. but that went away as cy told me all this and i realized that he had stood up for me (and that implies a lot of things). that is how cy ruined our christmas and strengthened our relationship :)
we headed back to my place to drop off our things after stopping over for a couple of games at hobbystop. we then took a taxi ride to eastwood.
eastwood. heaven and eggs. station 168.
that's how we spent our christmas. it was unconventional in every which way... but i'm glad that both cy and i have a thing for the unconventional.
i had seated myself on their living room while they conversed and caught up with each other. i then saw a bunch of photos and saw an old one of cy's. it took 5 mins for cy to ask me what was wrong and i did my explanation by pointing at the offensive photograph. cy took the photograph from the book case and disappeared out of sight. he emerged 5 mins later carrying his luggage and saying nothing except for me to take my things. i was dumbstruck- but i obeyed. as cy stormed out of the house, i waved a sheepish goodbye to mai, balolo and ebi while trying to stay in stride.
cy told me that he had thrown that particular photograph away a long time ago even before we got together and that he was just as surprised as i was when he saw it there. apparently cy said, mai had retrieved the photograph as it was not in her nature to throw away anything. he ripped it apart he said. he doesn't want me to feel violated in any way. and i was violated. but that went away as cy told me all this and i realized that he had stood up for me (and that implies a lot of things). that is how cy ruined our christmas and strengthened our relationship :)
we headed back to my place to drop off our things after stopping over for a couple of games at hobbystop. we then took a taxi ride to eastwood.
eastwood. heaven and eggs. station 168.
that's how we spent our christmas. it was unconventional in every which way... but i'm glad that both cy and i have a thing for the unconventional.
Friday, December 23, 2005
white
if there's one distinct color cy associates with me, it's white. this is due perhaps to the fact that during our ojt days, i always wore it (white i mean). and it did slip my attention but only after cy told me this did i realize the large amount of white clothes and stuff i had.
apparently the impression never wore off because to date he calls me a lot of 'white' things:
1. white beached whale - the term beached whale was coined by my brother, originating from a habit i had back then of staying put (preferrably lying down) after a hearty meal. distressed but reluctant to do otherwise. that's how he put it..
2. white cat - cy makes me mew at his request and is fascinated how very much of a feline i sound.
3. white golf ball - the golf ball article is a little gem he borrowed about important things in life or in this case, his life. i'm glad to be his golf ball. although appending the adjective white is a bit redundant considering that golf balls by default come in white.
4. white cow - i'm not much for stuff toys but there was this one stuff toy i brought home one day that cy particularly liked. it was a cow. it had beady eyes and it was pristine white except for his/her (we are still deliberating Cow's gender) ears. we would make it dance, cy would put it on top of his head when he sits in front of the pc while i on the other hand, use it to support my arms when using the mouse.
anyway. despite this fascination for white which i share with someone, i'm glad that i see white differently. if to some, white is the absence of color, to me white is the complete opposite of that. i see white as an achromatic color (i.e. containing all the colors of the spectrum) and black, as the absence of color. how sick life's humor can be and its analogies: my black is white to some people and who knows what my white is to them.
i'm glad that aside from that diffirence, i know that i am politically correct.
apparently the impression never wore off because to date he calls me a lot of 'white' things:
1. white beached whale - the term beached whale was coined by my brother, originating from a habit i had back then of staying put (preferrably lying down) after a hearty meal. distressed but reluctant to do otherwise. that's how he put it..
2. white cat - cy makes me mew at his request and is fascinated how very much of a feline i sound.
3. white golf ball - the golf ball article is a little gem he borrowed about important things in life or in this case, his life. i'm glad to be his golf ball. although appending the adjective white is a bit redundant considering that golf balls by default come in white.
4. white cow - i'm not much for stuff toys but there was this one stuff toy i brought home one day that cy particularly liked. it was a cow. it had beady eyes and it was pristine white except for his/her (we are still deliberating Cow's gender) ears. we would make it dance, cy would put it on top of his head when he sits in front of the pc while i on the other hand, use it to support my arms when using the mouse.
anyway. despite this fascination for white which i share with someone, i'm glad that i see white differently. if to some, white is the absence of color, to me white is the complete opposite of that. i see white as an achromatic color (i.e. containing all the colors of the spectrum) and black, as the absence of color. how sick life's humor can be and its analogies: my black is white to some people and who knows what my white is to them.
i'm glad that aside from that diffirence, i know that i am politically correct.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
pep's dad died saturday from a heart attack at age 41 and i only knew about it now.
i had planned to post about something less morbid but however i try to skirt the topic of death, its centrifugal force keeps me locked. death is a certain eventuality in life. and we die a little every day that we live. of course, one can see that people continue to function even if they are dead if not at least in a state of somnambulism.
two years ago, i had planned to die at the age of 50. i had planned a peaceful death most meticulously: an overdose of benzodiazepine to hand me to the sandman before he hands me to the ripper. the lovely idea of having a bag over the head (not as a form of strangulation but as a way of maintaining as little oxygen as possible) i borrowed from sean's cadaver from nip/tuck, to make me see colors as my supply of oxygen depletes gradually. how beautiful, my death would have been 28 years from now had not cy come to intervene.
how random. human life....
my deepest condolences peps.
i had planned to post about something less morbid but however i try to skirt the topic of death, its centrifugal force keeps me locked. death is a certain eventuality in life. and we die a little every day that we live. of course, one can see that people continue to function even if they are dead if not at least in a state of somnambulism.
two years ago, i had planned to die at the age of 50. i had planned a peaceful death most meticulously: an overdose of benzodiazepine to hand me to the sandman before he hands me to the ripper. the lovely idea of having a bag over the head (not as a form of strangulation but as a way of maintaining as little oxygen as possible) i borrowed from sean's cadaver from nip/tuck, to make me see colors as my supply of oxygen depletes gradually. how beautiful, my death would have been 28 years from now had not cy come to intervene.
how random. human life....
my deepest condolences peps.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
<li> 1 misa de gallo<li>
apparently, living 3 days offline is too much of a time and way to unhealthy for my better health. i have accumulated much thought, too much in fact that i have forgotten most of them while some of them cling still, to the tip of my tongue just enough for me to sense that they're there but not so as to be able to recount them with much accuracy. in my attempt at recollection, i grew a list which i know is a topic or two short still:
1. misa de gallo
2. the christmas party last friday (not so much the party but the adventure after it)
3. moving out and moving in (for the 3rd time since i came here)
4. an unexpected reassurance and a further musing
to post each item included in the list in one go would be way too much of a read for some (as kyle suggested) and so i have decided to tackle each item in a separate list save for the first which i will include here and is as follows.
misa de gallo
saddled with reason and coming from a devout family, i had tried to foment a debate once- out of mere curiousity- regarding my family's (specifically my parents') reasons for our family's specific stand in faith over the dining table and it was disappointment that met me. some reason that god can not be bound by human reason - i agree to an extent (brushing aside the glaring signal of begging the question) but no so blindedly and without proof. it is but human to hold on to so divine a reason such as faith given an existence forced without consent. it is but a way to adapt. a way of finding a reason to make yourself work in hopes of cheating extinction. i probably sound opinionated. maybe biased and quite possibly jaded but sooner or later i'll find out (or not) for myself if there is a god (or not). until that is done, you can label me (with raised eyebrows and shaking of heads and other gesticulations implying the negative) as an agnostic.
if i had offended anyone and their beliefs, it was not my intent to do so. especially not during the height of christianity's conviction at the anticipation of their savior. so hard, man's attempt at vindication... anyway, one of the customs crafted by the religious body is misa de gallo, or as more people know it, simbang gabi, which is spiritual preparation for the coming of christ. it would be logical to assume that it is out of my nature to attend misa de gallo given that i'm an agnostic and the bigger picture that i don't even attend sunday masses (i only do, and obligatedly so, when my parents have flown over or i'm at bacolod).
BUT. despite myself and my beliefs, i found myself awake early in the morning 9 days before christmas and heading to the church across the street with cy for misa de gallo. hark the angels indeed! despites the hopes of me burning as i set foot on the church by some, i was safe. and i kept awake despite myself long enough to hear the homily sound clear. but i will not deny that i was thankful by the time communion came. anyway. before anybody else thinks that what i did was blasphemous i shall state my reasons of honoring such a custom albeit my continuous doubt: cy. he had asked me before that we attend misa de gallo this year. knowing well that he was an agnostic just as i am, i took his suggestion as a jest and that was the end of it. or so i thought. on the 15th, cy asked me again if i wanted to attend misa de gallo. i thought that it had to be important considering that cy wasn't one to nag unless it was of real consequence. so i asked him about it as a courtesy.
he told me that he never attended misa de gallo before despite previous invitations. he told me that he wanted me to be the first and last person he ever attended misa de gallo with. i was dumbfounded. how can i refuse?
people say that when one completes the 9 masses of misa de gallo, that someone is entitled to a wish. i'm not one to hand my fate and my life to such a silly thing such as a wish. but. i'll make one nonetheless. despite my obvious lack of need for it.
1. misa de gallo
2. the christmas party last friday (not so much the party but the adventure after it)
3. moving out and moving in (for the 3rd time since i came here)
4. an unexpected reassurance and a further musing
to post each item included in the list in one go would be way too much of a read for some (as kyle suggested) and so i have decided to tackle each item in a separate list save for the first which i will include here and is as follows.
misa de gallo
saddled with reason and coming from a devout family, i had tried to foment a debate once- out of mere curiousity- regarding my family's (specifically my parents') reasons for our family's specific stand in faith over the dining table and it was disappointment that met me. some reason that god can not be bound by human reason - i agree to an extent (brushing aside the glaring signal of begging the question) but no so blindedly and without proof. it is but human to hold on to so divine a reason such as faith given an existence forced without consent. it is but a way to adapt. a way of finding a reason to make yourself work in hopes of cheating extinction. i probably sound opinionated. maybe biased and quite possibly jaded but sooner or later i'll find out (or not) for myself if there is a god (or not). until that is done, you can label me (with raised eyebrows and shaking of heads and other gesticulations implying the negative) as an agnostic.
if i had offended anyone and their beliefs, it was not my intent to do so. especially not during the height of christianity's conviction at the anticipation of their savior. so hard, man's attempt at vindication... anyway, one of the customs crafted by the religious body is misa de gallo, or as more people know it, simbang gabi, which is spiritual preparation for the coming of christ. it would be logical to assume that it is out of my nature to attend misa de gallo given that i'm an agnostic and the bigger picture that i don't even attend sunday masses (i only do, and obligatedly so, when my parents have flown over or i'm at bacolod).
BUT. despite myself and my beliefs, i found myself awake early in the morning 9 days before christmas and heading to the church across the street with cy for misa de gallo. hark the angels indeed! despites the hopes of me burning as i set foot on the church by some, i was safe. and i kept awake despite myself long enough to hear the homily sound clear. but i will not deny that i was thankful by the time communion came. anyway. before anybody else thinks that what i did was blasphemous i shall state my reasons of honoring such a custom albeit my continuous doubt: cy. he had asked me before that we attend misa de gallo this year. knowing well that he was an agnostic just as i am, i took his suggestion as a jest and that was the end of it. or so i thought. on the 15th, cy asked me again if i wanted to attend misa de gallo. i thought that it had to be important considering that cy wasn't one to nag unless it was of real consequence. so i asked him about it as a courtesy.
he told me that he never attended misa de gallo before despite previous invitations. he told me that he wanted me to be the first and last person he ever attended misa de gallo with. i was dumbfounded. how can i refuse?
people say that when one completes the 9 masses of misa de gallo, that someone is entitled to a wish. i'm not one to hand my fate and my life to such a silly thing such as a wish. but. i'll make one nonetheless. despite my obvious lack of need for it.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
i've been meaning to write about something important today. but as the whiners have flooded my email yet again with their incessant whining (and i didn't even get to the opinion page of pdi!!!), i'll get back to work and leave you with a few of my test results.
What sort of Weapon best Represents your Personality?
Your personality is best represented by the traditional Japanese Katana. You are brave beyond words and rarely (if ever) act for your own personal gain. Your honor is very important to you, and you strive to better yourself and help others. You try not to let emotions get in the way of making a sound decision, and are usually quite successful.
What type of killer are you?
You are a Samurai. You are full of honour and value respect. You are not really the stereotypical hero, but you do fight for good. Just in your own way. For you, it is most certainly okay to kill an evil person, if it is for justice and peace. You also don't belive in mourning all the time and think that once you've hit a bad stage in life you just have to get up again. It's pointless to concentrate on emotional pain and better to just get on with everything. You also are a down to earth type of person and think before you act. Impulsive people may annoy you somewhat.
Main weapon: Sword
Facial expression: Small smile
"Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest" -Mark Twain
(how consistent can i get? lolz)
What sort of Weapon best Represents your Personality?
Your personality is best represented by the traditional Japanese Katana. You are brave beyond words and rarely (if ever) act for your own personal gain. Your honor is very important to you, and you strive to better yourself and help others. You try not to let emotions get in the way of making a sound decision, and are usually quite successful.
What type of killer are you?
You are a Samurai. You are full of honour and value respect. You are not really the stereotypical hero, but you do fight for good. Just in your own way. For you, it is most certainly okay to kill an evil person, if it is for justice and peace. You also don't belive in mourning all the time and think that once you've hit a bad stage in life you just have to get up again. It's pointless to concentrate on emotional pain and better to just get on with everything. You also are a down to earth type of person and think before you act. Impulsive people may annoy you somewhat.
Main weapon: Sword
Facial expression: Small smile
"Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest" -Mark Twain
(how consistent can i get? lolz)
Monday, December 12, 2005
of white umbrellas and other rare things - a musing by lunaeternal
today as i recall all that happened during the party, my thoughts drifted in part to a rather unusual situation that i happen to be in. and because the matter includes people that may wish to remain anonymous, i shall try to put into words as abstractly for the benefit of those who wish to be unnamed, things that otherwise had no voice...
am i in the wrong and did i really come in between? to approach this as rationally as i can, to say for one to come in between is to say that he or she cause parties to be in conflict or to be enstranged. and was there conflict? yes. was there enstrangement? definitely! to all three involved in fact... but to say that for one to come in between not only implies the previously established definition but also implies, and more importantly so, that it is done forcibly and ill-favorably. so was it done depictive of the given adjectives? on one end of the continuum, a vehement yes and on the other end, a clear and distinctive no. it is here that technicalities and definitions are to be settled to clear the muddle. and how is it to be settled? qualitatively or quantitatively? of that i am not sure and more so because we are dealing with subjective matters which we are trying to examine objectively. to annotate, on which, what and whose handle of truth are we to base the conclusion? on whose should go without saying. but how are we to reconcile the conflicting ends and clashing convictions in our quest to create the collective truth which is to form the basis of our handle?
case in point, how and when is it right to say that one got in between? when one comes in between, there are two possibilities: there is either no change or there is a change of affection. as the proof of concept here deals with the latter possibility, i shall focus further analysis on the second stated possibility as there is obviously no point in dallying with a possibility which holds no real consequence.
in the event that one is to have a change of affection, there is an important thing that we have to be conscious of and that is whether it transpired as a result of or whether it was done consciously and willingly and as the catalyst itself. let me reiterate. what we have to identify is whether the change of affection happend because of a stimulus or whether it was the stimulant itself. going further to effectively apply this to the situation for added clarity, what we have to distinguish is whether the person who had the change of affection had the emotional transition as a result of a stimulus (in this case a person of the opposite gender acting in full cognizance of the situation to cultivate an environment for such a transition) or whether the person who had a change of affection is the very same person who initiated and further cultivated an environment to a point that affection becomes mutual. that distinction clear, i can now say that if the situation were the first, then the term would be most appropriate. but if it were the latter scenario, it just wouldn't hold ground. and why shouldn't it? how could someone come in between something that is not whole to begin with? and more importantly, how could someone come in between if and when it wasn't the person who supposedly came in between who galvanized such an encounter in the first place? i could even go further and say that, taking away the person who had a change of affection, both parties had neither control or fault in what came to pass. and how did i come to say this? because the decision to stay or leave was never theirs. because the decision rests solely on the one changing or not changing his or her affection. of course both could always try to sway the decision to one side or another but the decision itself is ultimately exclusive to the one changing or not changing his or her affection.
that being established, to say then that one came in between when one changed his affection primarily, willingly and fully conscious of its consequences not only breaches suitability, it is just plain wrong. how can someone in all their objective intellect, focus blame on another simply because they are the third party? i can make only one rational assumption given the situation: it is the most convinient. how is it convinient? well it directs negativities to someone unknown for one, which is always easy to do. it also preserves a degree of the past in the sense that one can dwell on the events that happened before the other person came and linger on the possibilities of the relationship given the other person never came at all. it also negates responsibility of the previously beloved on the argument that had the other person not come along, everything would have been perfect (which is to my opinion only a fragile possibility). in sum it is denial that is most convinient. and more so putting the blame where it shouldn't be. i mean, how can someone believe in fate and conveniently put the blame on someone else when fate leads them somewhere they feel they are not supposed to be? why believe in fate and not accept your place in the 'grander scheme of things'? isn't that completely mental not to mention hypocritical? if you believe in fate then blame it on fate letting you play the role of the unchosen. if you don't believe in fate then perhaps putting the blame on the wrong person might have been a degree forgivable.
now please don't percieve this post as sarcasm or rationalization as it was never intended to be so. what i am trying to say or more appropriately, what i am trying to refute here is not my innocence on the matter nor am i trying to rationalize the part i played. what i am trying to say and nothing more is that although disagree with the notion that i am to someone's perspective, the one that got in between, i honor that someone's view on the matter considering the possibilities and the necessity on why such a conclusion must be formulated despite glaring alternatives.
which is really uncharacteristic of me... of course i felt hostile at first as i am but human and a woman at that! but after tracking what has been happening with her life or at least, those which she chose to write about and made known publicly, hostility shifted to pity. and i do pity her. a lot in fact. which is the reason why i wanted to shadowbox and lay my foundations on the matter first of all and wish for her happiness the second. now don't get me wrong. i do not pity her because there are people who take such gesture as insult. far from that, i pity her in all its purest aspect. because she has been so much and she struggles so hard to regain a piece of happiness.
some people see only the things that happen. cutting off vision and understanding when decisions have been made and consequences begin to unfold. i tend to see beyond that primarily because i think that taking responsibility is just as consequential to things as the decisions people have made. and that goes whether i asked for these things to happen or not. whether more appropriately, i asked to be involved in it or not. think of it this way, just to indulge (or perhaps not) her line of thinking. if i chose not to be involved, it wouldn't really have followed that he would have stopped. if i chose not to be involved because of respect and technicalities, it wouldn't really have followed that she would found her utopia.
i want to make this as clear as i can. although i was part of what had come to pass, i more importantly want to be a part of the things that happen after. and i choose to help even if it is not my responsibility to do so, even if i am still considered as a foe. and i don't choose to help because i believe it will vindicate me or it will make things right. i don't choose to help because i seek forgiveness (because i don't, and there is nothing to be forgiven). i choose to help because i feel that it is right to do so however unconventional or unappropriate it may be - but not so obtrusively and unwantedly.
am i in the wrong and did i really come in between? to approach this as rationally as i can, to say for one to come in between is to say that he or she cause parties to be in conflict or to be enstranged. and was there conflict? yes. was there enstrangement? definitely! to all three involved in fact... but to say that for one to come in between not only implies the previously established definition but also implies, and more importantly so, that it is done forcibly and ill-favorably. so was it done depictive of the given adjectives? on one end of the continuum, a vehement yes and on the other end, a clear and distinctive no. it is here that technicalities and definitions are to be settled to clear the muddle. and how is it to be settled? qualitatively or quantitatively? of that i am not sure and more so because we are dealing with subjective matters which we are trying to examine objectively. to annotate, on which, what and whose handle of truth are we to base the conclusion? on whose should go without saying. but how are we to reconcile the conflicting ends and clashing convictions in our quest to create the collective truth which is to form the basis of our handle?
case in point, how and when is it right to say that one got in between? when one comes in between, there are two possibilities: there is either no change or there is a change of affection. as the proof of concept here deals with the latter possibility, i shall focus further analysis on the second stated possibility as there is obviously no point in dallying with a possibility which holds no real consequence.
in the event that one is to have a change of affection, there is an important thing that we have to be conscious of and that is whether it transpired as a result of or whether it was done consciously and willingly and as the catalyst itself. let me reiterate. what we have to identify is whether the change of affection happend because of a stimulus or whether it was the stimulant itself. going further to effectively apply this to the situation for added clarity, what we have to distinguish is whether the person who had the change of affection had the emotional transition as a result of a stimulus (in this case a person of the opposite gender acting in full cognizance of the situation to cultivate an environment for such a transition) or whether the person who had a change of affection is the very same person who initiated and further cultivated an environment to a point that affection becomes mutual. that distinction clear, i can now say that if the situation were the first, then the term would be most appropriate. but if it were the latter scenario, it just wouldn't hold ground. and why shouldn't it? how could someone come in between something that is not whole to begin with? and more importantly, how could someone come in between if and when it wasn't the person who supposedly came in between who galvanized such an encounter in the first place? i could even go further and say that, taking away the person who had a change of affection, both parties had neither control or fault in what came to pass. and how did i come to say this? because the decision to stay or leave was never theirs. because the decision rests solely on the one changing or not changing his or her affection. of course both could always try to sway the decision to one side or another but the decision itself is ultimately exclusive to the one changing or not changing his or her affection.
that being established, to say then that one came in between when one changed his affection primarily, willingly and fully conscious of its consequences not only breaches suitability, it is just plain wrong. how can someone in all their objective intellect, focus blame on another simply because they are the third party? i can make only one rational assumption given the situation: it is the most convinient. how is it convinient? well it directs negativities to someone unknown for one, which is always easy to do. it also preserves a degree of the past in the sense that one can dwell on the events that happened before the other person came and linger on the possibilities of the relationship given the other person never came at all. it also negates responsibility of the previously beloved on the argument that had the other person not come along, everything would have been perfect (which is to my opinion only a fragile possibility). in sum it is denial that is most convinient. and more so putting the blame where it shouldn't be. i mean, how can someone believe in fate and conveniently put the blame on someone else when fate leads them somewhere they feel they are not supposed to be? why believe in fate and not accept your place in the 'grander scheme of things'? isn't that completely mental not to mention hypocritical? if you believe in fate then blame it on fate letting you play the role of the unchosen. if you don't believe in fate then perhaps putting the blame on the wrong person might have been a degree forgivable.
now please don't percieve this post as sarcasm or rationalization as it was never intended to be so. what i am trying to say or more appropriately, what i am trying to refute here is not my innocence on the matter nor am i trying to rationalize the part i played. what i am trying to say and nothing more is that although disagree with the notion that i am to someone's perspective, the one that got in between, i honor that someone's view on the matter considering the possibilities and the necessity on why such a conclusion must be formulated despite glaring alternatives.
which is really uncharacteristic of me... of course i felt hostile at first as i am but human and a woman at that! but after tracking what has been happening with her life or at least, those which she chose to write about and made known publicly, hostility shifted to pity. and i do pity her. a lot in fact. which is the reason why i wanted to shadowbox and lay my foundations on the matter first of all and wish for her happiness the second. now don't get me wrong. i do not pity her because there are people who take such gesture as insult. far from that, i pity her in all its purest aspect. because she has been so much and she struggles so hard to regain a piece of happiness.
some people see only the things that happen. cutting off vision and understanding when decisions have been made and consequences begin to unfold. i tend to see beyond that primarily because i think that taking responsibility is just as consequential to things as the decisions people have made. and that goes whether i asked for these things to happen or not. whether more appropriately, i asked to be involved in it or not. think of it this way, just to indulge (or perhaps not) her line of thinking. if i chose not to be involved, it wouldn't really have followed that he would have stopped. if i chose not to be involved because of respect and technicalities, it wouldn't really have followed that she would found her utopia.
i want to make this as clear as i can. although i was part of what had come to pass, i more importantly want to be a part of the things that happen after. and i choose to help even if it is not my responsibility to do so, even if i am still considered as a foe. and i don't choose to help because i believe it will vindicate me or it will make things right. i don't choose to help because i seek forgiveness (because i don't, and there is nothing to be forgiven). i choose to help because i feel that it is right to do so however unconventional or unappropriate it may be - but not so obtrusively and unwantedly.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
last night was the christmas party of the other company (softwarepronto) i am associated with and we all got an excuse to spend and drink. aside from good company which consisted not only of my officemates but my cousins, friends and of course cy, we also had good food and thankfully, good music played by local bands michaelangelo and southborder.
last night was probably the second time that i liked the opening band better than the main one. michaelangelo proved to be very promising because aside from good music selection (they only had a number of original compositions), their vocalist had a really good personal style which seasoned the song dramatically. i tell you, i never knew that madonna's like a virgin could even be played the way they played it. anyway, all (and i mean this literally in all its quantitative implications) the music they played i like (classic alternative ranging from beatles' come together to oasis' wonderwall to the verve pipe's the freshman to matchbox20's unwell to maroon5's she will be love etc etc). they really won me over when they played waiting in vain (a bob marley classic which has gone through a lot of renditions by various artists both international and local). their music cut across all brackets and that is to say a lot.
anyway, southborder was alright as well although i admit that i enjoyed the first act more. the only moment i remember distinctly when south border was performing was when they sang rainbow. cy, coming back from the bathroom took his seat next to mine and whispered the song along. well, with cy around, it's not hard to relate to the lyrics of the song, even if you were once a pessimist.
last night was probably the second time that i liked the opening band better than the main one. michaelangelo proved to be very promising because aside from good music selection (they only had a number of original compositions), their vocalist had a really good personal style which seasoned the song dramatically. i tell you, i never knew that madonna's like a virgin could even be played the way they played it. anyway, all (and i mean this literally in all its quantitative implications) the music they played i like (classic alternative ranging from beatles' come together to oasis' wonderwall to the verve pipe's the freshman to matchbox20's unwell to maroon5's she will be love etc etc). they really won me over when they played waiting in vain (a bob marley classic which has gone through a lot of renditions by various artists both international and local). their music cut across all brackets and that is to say a lot.
anyway, southborder was alright as well although i admit that i enjoyed the first act more. the only moment i remember distinctly when south border was performing was when they sang rainbow. cy, coming back from the bathroom took his seat next to mine and whispered the song along. well, with cy around, it's not hard to relate to the lyrics of the song, even if you were once a pessimist.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Friday, December 02, 2005
A Lifetime - Better Than Ezra
Allie woke up 8AM
Graduation day.
Got into a car,
And crashed along the way.
When we arrived late to the wake,
Stole the urn while they
Looked away,
And drove to the beach
'Cause I knew you'd want it
That way.
And you were standing
On the hood of the car
Singing out loud
When the sun came up.
And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing
In my mind.
And three and a half minutes
Felt like a lifetime
It felt like a lifetime
And you move like water
I could drown in you.
And I fell so deep once,
Till you pulled me through
You would tell me
"No one is allowed to be so proud
They never reach out
When they're giving up."
And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing
In my mind.
And three and a half minutes
Felt like a lifetime
Are you sitting in the lights?
Or combing your hair again,
And talking in rhymes?
Are you sitting in the lights?
When I got home, heard the phone,
Your parents had arrived.
And your dad set his jaw
Your mom just smiled and sighed.
But they left soon
And I went to my room.
Played that disc that you'd given me,
And I shut my eyes
Swear I could hear the sea.
When we were standing
On the hood of your car
Singing out loud when the sun came up.
And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing
In my mind.
And three and a half minutes,
Three and a half minutes,
Felt like a lifetime.
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