Ever since I've watched the Anime Series Shaman King, I've always wanted a personal oversoul. A spirit that stands by me, goes with me everywhere, talks to me and sometimes even argues with me... Of course, my oversoul will be visible to me and I realize how this will make me look like if we have one of our arguments in public.
The Golden Compass has just hit the Philippine cinemas and I've been waiting for it since I opened the first few pages of the book when I was little. It was one of the greatest fantasy novels that I've read and I hope that Hollywood doesn't butcher my memory of it. In light of oversouls and companions (imagined or otherwise), I have only realized that the novel I read also contained something like it, but here, they call it daemons. And since I'm not willing to share my oversoul, I'll let you meet my daemon instead.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
have you ever...
-moved out of your house and lived on your own?
-paid your own rent?
-paid your own bills whether they be for electricity, water or other utilities like the net or a landline?
-paid for your own tuition
-paid monthlies for a condominium you bought?
-paid monthlies for a 2nd-hand car you bought?
-paid for your own gas money?
-drove your way through insane traffic on stickshift to fetch your parents from the airport when they fly in to visit you or drove them back for their return flight?
-paid for your own ticket home during the holidays or long weekends?
-paid for your brother's weekly grocery?
-bought your brother/mom/dad something expensive when there was no occasion just because you saw how much he liked an item?
-paid the monthly for something your brother bought?
-paid for you brother's gas or bus ticket?
-footed an expensive restaurant bill when your family comes to visit or when you go home to visit?
-paid your parent's credit card bill?
-lent your parents large sums of money even if the little voice in your head says that there's a great possibility that you won't get paid or if you would, it won't be anytime soon?
not that it means anything, but i don't think many people my age would have said yes to half of the things on the list. most of the people i know that are my age still live under their parent's roof, drive a car their parents gave them or are driving their parent's car and the only form of bill they pay is their own credit card bills or phone bills.
i'm not comparing simply because anyone who really knows me knows that i don't get a kick out of it, much less put people down so that i could just feel better about myself. this post, more than anything, is more for me than anyone else. to remind me that although there are some goals i set myself that i still haven't reached, there are some that i already have and there are some that i have reached even if i didn't set them. my dad, though he doesn't say it much knows that i have grown up to be a successful person. i sometimes think that the reason he doesn't say it is because he thinks or perhaps as a parent, knows that i can go further. that this is just the beginning. well i don't know if i'm going to find myself in a plateau soon, a steady climb or god forbid, a descent. whatever the next year brings me, i hope to outdo myself. make myself proud and more importantly, make my parents proud.
-moved out of your house and lived on your own?
-paid your own rent?
-paid your own bills whether they be for electricity, water or other utilities like the net or a landline?
-paid for your own tuition
-paid monthlies for a condominium you bought?
-paid monthlies for a 2nd-hand car you bought?
-paid for your own gas money?
-drove your way through insane traffic on stickshift to fetch your parents from the airport when they fly in to visit you or drove them back for their return flight?
-paid for your own ticket home during the holidays or long weekends?
-paid for your brother's weekly grocery?
-bought your brother/mom/dad something expensive when there was no occasion just because you saw how much he liked an item?
-paid the monthly for something your brother bought?
-paid for you brother's gas or bus ticket?
-footed an expensive restaurant bill when your family comes to visit or when you go home to visit?
-paid your parent's credit card bill?
-lent your parents large sums of money even if the little voice in your head says that there's a great possibility that you won't get paid or if you would, it won't be anytime soon?
not that it means anything, but i don't think many people my age would have said yes to half of the things on the list. most of the people i know that are my age still live under their parent's roof, drive a car their parents gave them or are driving their parent's car and the only form of bill they pay is their own credit card bills or phone bills.
i'm not comparing simply because anyone who really knows me knows that i don't get a kick out of it, much less put people down so that i could just feel better about myself. this post, more than anything, is more for me than anyone else. to remind me that although there are some goals i set myself that i still haven't reached, there are some that i already have and there are some that i have reached even if i didn't set them. my dad, though he doesn't say it much knows that i have grown up to be a successful person. i sometimes think that the reason he doesn't say it is because he thinks or perhaps as a parent, knows that i can go further. that this is just the beginning. well i don't know if i'm going to find myself in a plateau soon, a steady climb or god forbid, a descent. whatever the next year brings me, i hope to outdo myself. make myself proud and more importantly, make my parents proud.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Part of your world...
For most of my childhood, I dreamt I was a mermaid. Courtesy of course, of Walt Disney who animated perhaps my favorite of the many delightful stories weaved by Hans Christian Andersen. This December, it should feel like coming home.
I'm bringing my Prince Eric with me for a fee of Php350. Considering how deathly scared he is of swimming, it's good that underwater worlds now have 220-degree curved acrylic walls that serve as safe walkways for the hydrophobic.
I'm bringing my Prince Eric with me for a fee of Php350. Considering how deathly scared he is of swimming, it's good that underwater worlds now have 220-degree curved acrylic walls that serve as safe walkways for the hydrophobic.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Halloween at Tiffany's?
Many European cultural traditions, in particular Celtic cultures, hold that Halloween is one of the liminal times of the year when spirits can make contact with the physical world, and when magic is most potent. I don't know about spirits making contact with the physical world since I have never believed in such, but there might be a ring of truth to the latter claim. Magic indeed, was at its most potent that night, at least for me.
While it started for most, a 4-day long weekend in the working calendar, it marked for me the number 3. '3 years of happiness and love' as Cy put it in the gift card that was held by white ribbons against a turqouise little box that was unmistakably and distinctly Tiffany & Co. An engagement ring? No. It was an exquisite piece of a necklace, the centerpiece was a spherical 8 laid out horizontally. The figure, that marks none other but eternity.
I am, like always when Cy does such things, at a loss for words in my delight. Indeed, it has been the 3 years that Cy has succinctly described. But there are minutes, days, years more of it to come. Happy Hallow's Eve my l**e, to an eternity to more of it. :)
While it started for most, a 4-day long weekend in the working calendar, it marked for me the number 3. '3 years of happiness and love' as Cy put it in the gift card that was held by white ribbons against a turqouise little box that was unmistakably and distinctly Tiffany & Co. An engagement ring? No. It was an exquisite piece of a necklace, the centerpiece was a spherical 8 laid out horizontally. The figure, that marks none other but eternity.
I am, like always when Cy does such things, at a loss for words in my delight. Indeed, it has been the 3 years that Cy has succinctly described. But there are minutes, days, years more of it to come. Happy Hallow's Eve my l**e, to an eternity to more of it. :)
Monday, October 29, 2007
On a whim
CCNA3&4 training is finally over. After two weeks of reading, configuring routers and switches, taking exams, waking up early and stressing, it's finally over. I've passed the training, which needed every test and score to be at least 80 to pass. I'm glad to say that my scores are far from the 80 pt margin but for now, I know that I'm still not ready to take the certification.
The only thing that really involuntarily stuck to me from the training is the waking up early bit. I have to admit that I like it, because it means that I get really sleepy by 11.30pm already and wake up at 7 even without an alarm clock.
I love today. It's a monday and there's no work and no coding because it's a holiday. Cy and I met really early at around 8 and we went and had breakfast at Cafe Breton over at Podium. Actually, we're still here drinking tea as I'm writing this rather hasty post on a whim. There's airborne access and free wifi from the mall, so all we had to do was whip out our Macs. The air is cool. A sign of the season to come. I haven't felt peaceful in a while, but here I am and I'm at peace. I feel that I'm alive and that I dream again, that I can write, that I can laugh and that I can love to my heart's content. Perhaps I lack the ability to capture it all the way I feel and experience it to be. Perhaps some things have no way with words. Perhaps some things are meant not to be shared.
I feel something I can't quite my finger on. But with the sun, the wind and Cy beside me right now, I don't have so strong an urge to ponder it. I can just, let go and be happy. If only today, at least.
The only thing that really involuntarily stuck to me from the training is the waking up early bit. I have to admit that I like it, because it means that I get really sleepy by 11.30pm already and wake up at 7 even without an alarm clock.
I love today. It's a monday and there's no work and no coding because it's a holiday. Cy and I met really early at around 8 and we went and had breakfast at Cafe Breton over at Podium. Actually, we're still here drinking tea as I'm writing this rather hasty post on a whim. There's airborne access and free wifi from the mall, so all we had to do was whip out our Macs. The air is cool. A sign of the season to come. I haven't felt peaceful in a while, but here I am and I'm at peace. I feel that I'm alive and that I dream again, that I can write, that I can laugh and that I can love to my heart's content. Perhaps I lack the ability to capture it all the way I feel and experience it to be. Perhaps some things have no way with words. Perhaps some things are meant not to be shared.
I feel something I can't quite my finger on. But with the sun, the wind and Cy beside me right now, I don't have so strong an urge to ponder it. I can just, let go and be happy. If only today, at least.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
happy birthday dearest! you are stellar... and yes, i shall continue to be the pale, lonesome satellite that orbits you.
lunar... stellar..
p.s. i know we can't properly celebrate your bday right now because i have CCNA3&4 training and you have a tight schedule as well at work but I promise I'll make it up to you in Halloween (if you know what I mean... :) )
ily
-R
lunar... stellar..
p.s. i know we can't properly celebrate your bday right now because i have CCNA3&4 training and you have a tight schedule as well at work but I promise I'll make it up to you in Halloween (if you know what I mean... :) )
ily
-R
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Stardust
Yvaine: You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn't true. I know a lot about love. I've seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate... It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves... You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and... What I'm trying to say, Tristan is... I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I'd know it for myself. My heart... It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it's trying to escape because it doesn't belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I'd wish for nothing in exchange - no fits. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
and yet, another year in the life of...
A year ago, it was Kenneth Cole, United Colors of Benetton, Nike, and Plains and Prints spread over Powerplant, Glorietta, Eastwood and Shangri-la Plaza. This year, it was Le Sportsac, Mango, Havaianas, Zara, Kenneth Cole, The Sak and Nike hopping from Shangri-la Plaza, MOA, Trinoma, Glorietta and FB High Street.
I guess from the list, you could more or less infer how much each costs and what each year sums up to. As to the exact figure, I will never disclose only this, that this year, the limit has doubled. No, I'm not especially materialistic. I'm only as materialistic as a girl my age should be and nothing more. I can say that I have learned to master my impulses from getting the best of me but I can not deny that I enjoy a shopping spree. Who doesn't? People who say they don't are either self righteous or are in denial. Either that or they're just cheap bastards. And I'm neither any of those- self-righteous, in denial or cheap. But just because I have the means doesn't mean I'm all for the pricey ones. I'm a bargain hunter. But I do not take to the changge or the bazaars. Like any typical Negrense, I have, as my dormmates in college coined it, the 'curse of the the brands' wherein we ensure that everything we dare call our belonging is branded- a trait I never noticed I had until I came to Manila in my first year of college. We talked about it one time when it was late at night and we were apparently bored. Each of us told how we silently took notice of each other's and our classmates' things, the brands in particular. Of course, I'm not proud of that trait upon realization that I possessed it. Now, though I still prefer branded things (because I just do.. It's a hard habit to break), I do not berate people for having a preference for those that are not.
Why branded stuff? I know a good brand when I buy one and I usually stick to them: Gas, Levi's and Buffalo for pants. DKNY, Fossil, Tag and TechnoMarine for watches. And so my list of preferences goes on but I do not care to elaborate on it. Suffice to say that when Cy and I visit a mall, I usually go through my select shops first. Just as I have a staple food I order everytime I go to a particular restaurant, I have staple shops I go to for each mall we visit. Mango, Zara, Topshop and a Rustan's department store are shops I have to visit whenever we go to a mall that has them. The reason why I said that I fancy myself a bargain hunter is that I have incredible patience and persistence to things that I want. Especially if I know they aren't going to run out of stock soon. And, I'm not afraid to buy stuff when they're on sale. If anything, I'm ecstatic if I could buy something worth 7K for thousands less. The best way to do that is usually to leave your number to managers of stores that you like and have them inform you of two things: new arrivals and sales/markdowns.
But enough with brands and shops and preferences. These things, although they make me look materialistic, they do have their value. Unto themselves, they give me great joy. I know that my bag is going to last for years. I know that the color of the jeans I bought is going to hold even through numerous washes. I know that my shoe is comfortable enough to walk around in all day even if they're pumps or heels. I know that my lip and cheek stain is not going to give me rashes. The brands- I like them because they have proven themselves to me. They have proven that they are worth the money I'm paying.
On a higher note and to amend this post with its first paragraph, these shopping sprees that I'm given in one particular day of the year reminds me of the most endearing things. that a man who wants nothing more than to sit still in front of his laptop has agreed to senseless meandering, if only for this day among the other 364 because it makes his beloved happy. That a man who wants to stay in one place most of the time is out on the road, stuck in traffic because he and his beloved is going somewhere his beloved fancies without certainty of a purchase. That a man who wants to sit is walking around from shop to shop looking at things from a stall that his beloved might fancy. That a man who is so accustomed to leading, can for a day, walk beside someone so indecisive and still smile and be happy because the one he's walking with is happy. That he could smile like it was the best day of his life because of this, these moment.
To Fantasma, the mestres and select people of EBC. For the batizado where I officially became a capoeirista the saturday before my birthday. Yellow belt baby!
To all the peeps at BlueSkies we got to beat and who beat us at numerous DOTA games. I officially started my birthday and ended it with DOTA. My god.
To all the people who greeted me a happy birthday, personally, through text or through ym. Even those that greeted me days and weeks after my birthday.
To all the people in faculty room who heartily dug into the cake i brought. Singing me a happy birthday badong-style.
To my cousins, my aunt and uncle who happened to be in Manila on the week of my birthday. Thanks for taking the time to come to Yellow Cab when I invited you on such short notice.
To Borgs, Bel, Bong, Diding and my Manong Fritz. Thank you for being there especially Manong Fritz and Bong who had to come to Manila from Clark and Baguio respectively to make it to my invite.
To the Davids who have a place for chinese food in their stomaches just like I do. To baby Arianna Isabella, welcome to the world cutie!
To my family, at Bacolod you may be but I never felt the distance, nor our bonds loosen because of it. Thank you for being the first ones to greet me, waking me to find that my birthday has come.
And of course, to Cy, for your unparalleled company of which no one may match. I am glad I have you with me. If anything made my birthday especially happy, it was you.
I guess from the list, you could more or less infer how much each costs and what each year sums up to. As to the exact figure, I will never disclose only this, that this year, the limit has doubled. No, I'm not especially materialistic. I'm only as materialistic as a girl my age should be and nothing more. I can say that I have learned to master my impulses from getting the best of me but I can not deny that I enjoy a shopping spree. Who doesn't? People who say they don't are either self righteous or are in denial. Either that or they're just cheap bastards. And I'm neither any of those- self-righteous, in denial or cheap. But just because I have the means doesn't mean I'm all for the pricey ones. I'm a bargain hunter. But I do not take to the changge or the bazaars. Like any typical Negrense, I have, as my dormmates in college coined it, the 'curse of the the brands' wherein we ensure that everything we dare call our belonging is branded- a trait I never noticed I had until I came to Manila in my first year of college. We talked about it one time when it was late at night and we were apparently bored. Each of us told how we silently took notice of each other's and our classmates' things, the brands in particular. Of course, I'm not proud of that trait upon realization that I possessed it. Now, though I still prefer branded things (because I just do.. It's a hard habit to break), I do not berate people for having a preference for those that are not.
Why branded stuff? I know a good brand when I buy one and I usually stick to them: Gas, Levi's and Buffalo for pants. DKNY, Fossil, Tag and TechnoMarine for watches. And so my list of preferences goes on but I do not care to elaborate on it. Suffice to say that when Cy and I visit a mall, I usually go through my select shops first. Just as I have a staple food I order everytime I go to a particular restaurant, I have staple shops I go to for each mall we visit. Mango, Zara, Topshop and a Rustan's department store are shops I have to visit whenever we go to a mall that has them. The reason why I said that I fancy myself a bargain hunter is that I have incredible patience and persistence to things that I want. Especially if I know they aren't going to run out of stock soon. And, I'm not afraid to buy stuff when they're on sale. If anything, I'm ecstatic if I could buy something worth 7K for thousands less. The best way to do that is usually to leave your number to managers of stores that you like and have them inform you of two things: new arrivals and sales/markdowns.
But enough with brands and shops and preferences. These things, although they make me look materialistic, they do have their value. Unto themselves, they give me great joy. I know that my bag is going to last for years. I know that the color of the jeans I bought is going to hold even through numerous washes. I know that my shoe is comfortable enough to walk around in all day even if they're pumps or heels. I know that my lip and cheek stain is not going to give me rashes. The brands- I like them because they have proven themselves to me. They have proven that they are worth the money I'm paying.
On a higher note and to amend this post with its first paragraph, these shopping sprees that I'm given in one particular day of the year reminds me of the most endearing things. that a man who wants nothing more than to sit still in front of his laptop has agreed to senseless meandering, if only for this day among the other 364 because it makes his beloved happy. That a man who wants to stay in one place most of the time is out on the road, stuck in traffic because he and his beloved is going somewhere his beloved fancies without certainty of a purchase. That a man who wants to sit is walking around from shop to shop looking at things from a stall that his beloved might fancy. That a man who is so accustomed to leading, can for a day, walk beside someone so indecisive and still smile and be happy because the one he's walking with is happy. That he could smile like it was the best day of his life because of this, these moment.
To Fantasma, the mestres and select people of EBC. For the batizado where I officially became a capoeirista the saturday before my birthday. Yellow belt baby!
To all the peeps at BlueSkies we got to beat and who beat us at numerous DOTA games. I officially started my birthday and ended it with DOTA. My god.
To all the people who greeted me a happy birthday, personally, through text or through ym. Even those that greeted me days and weeks after my birthday.
To all the people in faculty room who heartily dug into the cake i brought. Singing me a happy birthday badong-style.
To my cousins, my aunt and uncle who happened to be in Manila on the week of my birthday. Thanks for taking the time to come to Yellow Cab when I invited you on such short notice.
To Borgs, Bel, Bong, Diding and my Manong Fritz. Thank you for being there especially Manong Fritz and Bong who had to come to Manila from Clark and Baguio respectively to make it to my invite.
To the Davids who have a place for chinese food in their stomaches just like I do. To baby Arianna Isabella, welcome to the world cutie!
To my family, at Bacolod you may be but I never felt the distance, nor our bonds loosen because of it. Thank you for being the first ones to greet me, waking me to find that my birthday has come.
And of course, to Cy, for your unparalleled company of which no one may match. I am glad I have you with me. If anything made my birthday especially happy, it was you.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
of numbers
i can't remember when was it that i unconsciously became afraid of numbers. 'people fear what they do not understand' is one of the things i often times tell myself. yet i find it ironic how in my awareness of my fear, i not abated but am more engulfed by it. 24. 16. 23. 25..
i am turning year short of a quarter a centery old in 17 days. and i guess, most people would find my agitation unnerving. but i am certain that my internal clamor has nothing to do with vanity - given that i have so little of it. my main concern, the thing that makes me fumble in my confidence the most and the utter source of my quake is the fact that i have come so little. that i've only come this far. that i have proven to myself that 24 years of existence is not enough to be truly alive.
no i am not disturbed, nor am i lacking in affection. i am neither depressed nor suicidal. i guess the term that best suits my emotions is that i am hovering in-the-betweens of a dream coil and reality. i am watching myself sleep and yearning to awaken at the same time.
give me consciousness. give me time. give me space. give me all the aromas this barren earth could muster. give me flight. give me tranquility. give me truth. give me a moment to be truly alive.
i am turning year short of a quarter a centery old in 17 days. and i guess, most people would find my agitation unnerving. but i am certain that my internal clamor has nothing to do with vanity - given that i have so little of it. my main concern, the thing that makes me fumble in my confidence the most and the utter source of my quake is the fact that i have come so little. that i've only come this far. that i have proven to myself that 24 years of existence is not enough to be truly alive.
no i am not disturbed, nor am i lacking in affection. i am neither depressed nor suicidal. i guess the term that best suits my emotions is that i am hovering in-the-betweens of a dream coil and reality. i am watching myself sleep and yearning to awaken at the same time.
give me consciousness. give me time. give me space. give me all the aromas this barren earth could muster. give me flight. give me tranquility. give me truth. give me a moment to be truly alive.
Monday, August 20, 2007
an arbitrary selection
anime and manga -
/claymore
/fatestaynight
/naruto shippuden
/bleach
events -
/balolo's 40th day is the day after tomorrow
/my batizado (capoeira evaluation) is coming up
/my birthday is coming up
/our 3rd yr anniv is coming up
purchases -
/the couch i bought was finally delivered... i had an unplanned general cleaning and i rearranged my room
/i want a 'command center' with a 30-inch apple cinema display
/my favorite jeans is the one i bought from Gas last month
/i have 2 more items i'm eyeing
study -
/the term is finally ending...
/i miss my saturday spanish class
/i miss my classical guitar class
/i'm ecstatic for my usual capoeira class every thurs
/i have to start my advanced reading on CCNA3 and CCNA4
for the future -
/we've already paid 115k for the car... that makes the honda civic almost 1/3 officially ours
/we've bought a condominium and next month makes the 4th of our downpayment... if all goes well the construction is going to finish in december and i can already move in.. my head's already bursting with interior designs
/a quick accounting tells us that we can be married in 2 more years.. great, i'm in no rush and neither is he.. we want to make everything perfect before we commit to it
/we want a hacienda
company -
/my brother is finally learning to fly! he comes to my pad every friday and goes back every sunday... it makes me realize how much i miss our family, our culture and expressing myself in hiligaynon
/cousteau never tires of greeting me as if it were the first time he's seen me whenever i get home
/cousteau uses my tummy or sometimes my arms as a pillow
/his family always seems glad when i come to visit
/he and i never tire of sharing each other's thoughts and accommodating each other's whims
/claymore
/fatestaynight
/naruto shippuden
/bleach
events -
/balolo's 40th day is the day after tomorrow
/my batizado (capoeira evaluation) is coming up
/my birthday is coming up
/our 3rd yr anniv is coming up
purchases -
/the couch i bought was finally delivered... i had an unplanned general cleaning and i rearranged my room
/i want a 'command center' with a 30-inch apple cinema display
/my favorite jeans is the one i bought from Gas last month
/i have 2 more items i'm eyeing
study -
/the term is finally ending...
/i miss my saturday spanish class
/i miss my classical guitar class
/i'm ecstatic for my usual capoeira class every thurs
/i have to start my advanced reading on CCNA3 and CCNA4
for the future -
/we've already paid 115k for the car... that makes the honda civic almost 1/3 officially ours
/we've bought a condominium and next month makes the 4th of our downpayment... if all goes well the construction is going to finish in december and i can already move in.. my head's already bursting with interior designs
/a quick accounting tells us that we can be married in 2 more years.. great, i'm in no rush and neither is he.. we want to make everything perfect before we commit to it
/we want a hacienda
company -
/my brother is finally learning to fly! he comes to my pad every friday and goes back every sunday... it makes me realize how much i miss our family, our culture and expressing myself in hiligaynon
/cousteau never tires of greeting me as if it were the first time he's seen me whenever i get home
/cousteau uses my tummy or sometimes my arms as a pillow
/his family always seems glad when i come to visit
/he and i never tire of sharing each other's thoughts and accommodating each other's whims
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
just look up
it's amazing how this blog entry has transformed. from the original gloomy almost jaded tone it took as one of the many drafts i had, it metamorphed in to one that bordered on despair, and now as if by the whim of one single note of an eternal and perfect hymn, it altered yet again to hope, contentment, tranquility... bliss.
from my lola's celebration for turning a century old. from the smiles and laughter and talks of days gone by... to the death of cyril's dad. there were smiles too, yet now of comfort rather than glee to eyes met. it did not matter to whom they belonged; from one of Cy's siblings, from that of Mai's, from a stranger, from the completely unknown. all one in grief, each generously giving comfort where sympathy was needed, each drawing strength from the other- not to numb the pain, or to deny what has come to pass- but to realize a great loss and to realize even more that life remains unmoved and impatient. that to the rest of the world, life trodded on while in that small chapel where a beloved man was interred, the suddenness and completeness of death was with us all - so thick that it had the semblance of presence.
orations and great speeches were given, in celebration of dad. though witty and appropriate, none was more exact in articulation than dad himself when he said that
well said. nothing less from you. of course, there was another incident during the course of his wake that pricked me to feeling. and significant as it is, i do not care to elaborate on it in this post. simply because its appropriateness does not lie in the words that define this post. this if for cy's dad. who became my 2nd dad the moment he started calling me anak. the moment he let me stay in his house because it was too late to go home. the moment he gave up his room and slept on the couch just so that i'll be comfortable. the moment he cooked for me his unusual concoctions that despite their lack of proper recipes were always at par with dishes made by the cooks we had at home. the moment he drove me to where i needed to be. the moment he always made sure that i'd be with them on any family occasion. the moment he started joking around me (which was, according to Cy, something he'd never do around a stranger). the moment he touched my life and allowed me to become a part of his.
from my lola's celebration for turning a century old. from the smiles and laughter and talks of days gone by... to the death of cyril's dad. there were smiles too, yet now of comfort rather than glee to eyes met. it did not matter to whom they belonged; from one of Cy's siblings, from that of Mai's, from a stranger, from the completely unknown. all one in grief, each generously giving comfort where sympathy was needed, each drawing strength from the other- not to numb the pain, or to deny what has come to pass- but to realize a great loss and to realize even more that life remains unmoved and impatient. that to the rest of the world, life trodded on while in that small chapel where a beloved man was interred, the suddenness and completeness of death was with us all - so thick that it had the semblance of presence.
orations and great speeches were given, in celebration of dad. though witty and appropriate, none was more exact in articulation than dad himself when he said that
death is certain the moment you were born. so delay it as much as you can and make the delay a happy one.
well said. nothing less from you. of course, there was another incident during the course of his wake that pricked me to feeling. and significant as it is, i do not care to elaborate on it in this post. simply because its appropriateness does not lie in the words that define this post. this if for cy's dad. who became my 2nd dad the moment he started calling me anak. the moment he let me stay in his house because it was too late to go home. the moment he gave up his room and slept on the couch just so that i'll be comfortable. the moment he cooked for me his unusual concoctions that despite their lack of proper recipes were always at par with dishes made by the cooks we had at home. the moment he drove me to where i needed to be. the moment he always made sure that i'd be with them on any family occasion. the moment he started joking around me (which was, according to Cy, something he'd never do around a stranger). the moment he touched my life and allowed me to become a part of his.
the end of life is life.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Island Paradise
It was 1986 and I was three years old we first came to Boracay. It didn't have many shops and beachfront inns back then and visitors were so seldom that you rarely meet them while meandearing on the shores from one station to another. We swam-island hopped-chilled-beach volleyed-frisbee(d)-built sand castles-played games to while away the day. When night fell, there was no electricity to keep us up and so we took our meals under the light of flickering kerosene lamps (if we were lucky, a full moon). When we grew tired of the visiting fireflies, we jazz-talked our way to sleep under the shelter of mosquito nets while the sea foamed to and fro the shores in a lullaby of sorts.
It was something I never forgot.
Apparently, it was something my parents never forgot as well because we always found ourselves back to Boracay more frequently after that. Of course, the fact that Bacolod was geographically near the Boracay didn't hurt at all.
With each trip I grew older. The beach welcomed more people to its shores. And inevitably, beachfronts and inns proliferated and lined the stations until others had to settle for the inner lots. Malls were built. ATM machines found their way. More cement found its way to the pristine white sands. It seemed that all the construction burdened the island, so much that the shore grew so short, you don't have to go far to walk on the shore during high tide. More and more people that at it's peak, I have to share my swimming spot at Station 1 just after the grotto with strangers local and foreign.
It's not what it used to be. But I'm glad that unlike most people, I got to visit Boracay when it was truly an Island Paradise.
It was last week when I last set foot on Boracay's shores again. That made it the second time I went there this year after our April trip. That made it the nth time I saw Boracay change yet again.
I wonder if Boracay stills remember a little naked girl playing on the beach, burnt to more than a tan, eyes glistening and wet hair tangled, having the time of her life.
It was something I never forgot.
Apparently, it was something my parents never forgot as well because we always found ourselves back to Boracay more frequently after that. Of course, the fact that Bacolod was geographically near the Boracay didn't hurt at all.
With each trip I grew older. The beach welcomed more people to its shores. And inevitably, beachfronts and inns proliferated and lined the stations until others had to settle for the inner lots. Malls were built. ATM machines found their way. More cement found its way to the pristine white sands. It seemed that all the construction burdened the island, so much that the shore grew so short, you don't have to go far to walk on the shore during high tide. More and more people that at it's peak, I have to share my swimming spot at Station 1 just after the grotto with strangers local and foreign.
It's not what it used to be. But I'm glad that unlike most people, I got to visit Boracay when it was truly an Island Paradise.
It was last week when I last set foot on Boracay's shores again. That made it the second time I went there this year after our April trip. That made it the nth time I saw Boracay change yet again.
I wonder if Boracay stills remember a little naked girl playing on the beach, burnt to more than a tan, eyes glistening and wet hair tangled, having the time of her life.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Tala (through the musical stylings of Paramita)
Ang 'yong tala ay nagniningning
Walang kupas ang kinang
Ng iyong bituwin
Mula sa lupa, di mapantayan
Sa kalangitan, tanging liwanag mo
Ang natatanaw
Ngunit bakit my pait?
Sa iyong mga ngiti?
Nakalimutan mo na ba?
Hiram ang bawat saglit
Daanin mo sa iyak ang lahat ng pait
Ang 'yong tala ay nagdidilim
Kumukupas ang kinang
Ng iyong bituwin
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Seeing Double
I still remember this. Two months short of a year and I can still remember the rapture I felt like it happened only moments ago.. the first time I laid my eyes on it, the moment I christened it Neve and it became a her rather than an it, the first application I installed in her 80-Gig capacity, the first time I ran something testing her 1G RAM, e-v-e-r-y-thing. Which is why I find it delightful to see Cy go through all the cycles with his own MacBook! I have my Neve, and Cy now has his Scylax! Both in pristine white cases and 13' displays, they look to be the perfect pair. The only difference they have as of the moment is that Neve is fitted in a pink clear hard case while Scylax is sporting a clear case. Just as Neve grew indispensable to me, I know that Scylax would be just as dear to my Cy.
One is usually enough. And for some select instances, one is too much. This however, is definitely one of the rare cases where 2 isn't such a bad number.
To Cy. And now, to you as well Scylax. >.<
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
on sustenance
I usually skip breakfast. As opposed to those who at least drink a glass of milk to start off the day, I drink nothing but a glass of water - or juice if there is any - as I usually wake up thirsty than hungry. I relatively have a small stomach, or so Cy keeps on telling me, and am more inclined to eating smaller servings albeit more frequently. I eat 5x a day I think. Two meals and 3 snacks as in-betweeners. I think Cy has caught on to my eating habits as he fills his place less and usually don’t go for seconds like he used to. No, my eating habits do not reflect a dire need to slim down, they are more (if anything) out of a natural inclination than a weight stock prevention. Besides, my metabolism and genes inhibit me to gain weight and I’m physically active so stocking up is not the least of my concerns.
When my brother stayed for months at my flat two years ago, he observed that I usually become incapacitated after I overeat. Incapacitated in this context entails me to just lie down in bed silent and unmoving for a few minutes. This weirdly painted in his mind a picture of a beached whale. Distressed and horribly unable to do anything otherwise. He and Cy had a few laughs over that. I say he just watched too many marine episodes of the Discovery Channel.
Though Papa and Mama constantly remind me to eat more, or worse, tell Cy to tell me to eat more on their monthly visits I just nod and give them their needed affirmation. Needless to say I never do as I always stop eating the moment my body tells me that it had had its fill. Even if people tell me that I barely touched my food. Of course they exaggerate as I usually eat at least half of whatever I put on my plate. Some people consider it a sin not to finish eating one’s food. Too many starving people in the world they say. Of course, these are the same people who believe their religion and consider Gluttony to be one of the Capital Vices - more commonly popularized as the 7 Deadly Sins. It is 2nd on the list, just after Lust if you care to refresh yourself (assuming of course, that you are Catholic). Although Gluttony was originally defined to be the overindulgence of food and drink, its meaning has long since stretched to unreasonable or unnecessary excess of consumption. Religion, at least Roman Catholicism as I am not well-versed in the custom and beliefs of other religions, condemns me it seems to sin either way. Eat beyond my fill and I am a glutton. Stop eating and I am apathetic to the misfortune of others. Such are the moral and spiritual quandaries I face. And over such a trifle and prosaic thing such as food and eating it!
Of course not everyone furrow their brows at my lack of appetite. Back in college, Warrick or Momo eagerly awaited my scruples whenever we had lunch and dinner. In all other occasions involving the consumption of food, I never failed to share. It was a perfect, almost rehearsed occurrence that benefited both parties. In Science, they call it a mutual relationship. I call it sensible. I even called it friendship.
When my brother stayed for months at my flat two years ago, he observed that I usually become incapacitated after I overeat. Incapacitated in this context entails me to just lie down in bed silent and unmoving for a few minutes. This weirdly painted in his mind a picture of a beached whale. Distressed and horribly unable to do anything otherwise. He and Cy had a few laughs over that. I say he just watched too many marine episodes of the Discovery Channel.
Though Papa and Mama constantly remind me to eat more, or worse, tell Cy to tell me to eat more on their monthly visits I just nod and give them their needed affirmation. Needless to say I never do as I always stop eating the moment my body tells me that it had had its fill. Even if people tell me that I barely touched my food. Of course they exaggerate as I usually eat at least half of whatever I put on my plate. Some people consider it a sin not to finish eating one’s food. Too many starving people in the world they say. Of course, these are the same people who believe their religion and consider Gluttony to be one of the Capital Vices - more commonly popularized as the 7 Deadly Sins. It is 2nd on the list, just after Lust if you care to refresh yourself (assuming of course, that you are Catholic). Although Gluttony was originally defined to be the overindulgence of food and drink, its meaning has long since stretched to unreasonable or unnecessary excess of consumption. Religion, at least Roman Catholicism as I am not well-versed in the custom and beliefs of other religions, condemns me it seems to sin either way. Eat beyond my fill and I am a glutton. Stop eating and I am apathetic to the misfortune of others. Such are the moral and spiritual quandaries I face. And over such a trifle and prosaic thing such as food and eating it!
Of course not everyone furrow their brows at my lack of appetite. Back in college, Warrick or Momo eagerly awaited my scruples whenever we had lunch and dinner. In all other occasions involving the consumption of food, I never failed to share. It was a perfect, almost rehearsed occurrence that benefited both parties. In Science, they call it a mutual relationship. I call it sensible. I even called it friendship.
Given my intrinsic lack of appetite and my refusal to eat beyond my limit, I never turn down dessert. Especially if it is flan, cake, salad or buko pandan. In which case I dally at the table, wait 10 mins or so for my stomach to make room and eat my favorite part of the meal.
Friday, May 11, 2007
thoughts on a rainy summer afternoon
How does one fall in love? How does one determine that they should be with someone and not someone else? How does one verify the earnesty of one's feelings and recognize it with utter certainty as love not infatuation, not lust, not friendship, not anything else other than that particular cornerstone of our humanness?
How does one know that what they see is real? That what they behold is not an illusion, a facade nor a front? How does one know that it is the person that they love and not the idea that one has of that person? For perception is a science apart from the truth and to love an idea is to love a little more than one should.
How does one know when to hold back or to let loose? How does one know when to fight and when to leave things as they are? How does one know when to wait and when to move on? How does one know how long to wait- a day, a week, a month, a year, a lifetime or never? Where does one draw the line between the quantifications of time?
How does one manage to heal, to withstand, to endure the deepest of wounds? We feel. Everybody feels. And more often than not, one feels more than one should in the presence of one's beloved. But how does one manage to rise above the hurt, the pain, the tragedies, the change and still find it in one's self to continue to love and with no less fervor, the object of one's affection?
If I knew, I'd be sure to tell. But I know that what I know is but a fraction of a whole. A glimpse of the elusive- perhaps more elusive to some than I - that we all long to behold without so much as a waver.
How does one know that what they see is real? That what they behold is not an illusion, a facade nor a front? How does one know that it is the person that they love and not the idea that one has of that person? For perception is a science apart from the truth and to love an idea is to love a little more than one should.
How does one know when to hold back or to let loose? How does one know when to fight and when to leave things as they are? How does one know when to wait and when to move on? How does one know how long to wait- a day, a week, a month, a year, a lifetime or never? Where does one draw the line between the quantifications of time?
How does one manage to heal, to withstand, to endure the deepest of wounds? We feel. Everybody feels. And more often than not, one feels more than one should in the presence of one's beloved. But how does one manage to rise above the hurt, the pain, the tragedies, the change and still find it in one's self to continue to love and with no less fervor, the object of one's affection?
If I knew, I'd be sure to tell. But I know that what I know is but a fraction of a whole. A glimpse of the elusive- perhaps more elusive to some than I - that we all long to behold without so much as a waver.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Jesus saves... but sometimes he's the one who gives you hell...
There is no feeling such as returning to the familiarity of home and seeing the faces of people you know and love. There is no place like home. There is no place like home...
On a dreary sunday morning, I found myself strapped to the front seat of our car, Cy next to me, dreading the sight of the looming airport overhead. Still cranky from having my sleep disrupted, I checked in to a flight leaving for Cebu in an hour or so. Cebu??? Yes, god-damn Cebu. I have nothing against Cebu, in fact, my dad is a native of Cebu but the thing is, I would have preferred to be bound for Bacolod rather than Cebu.
What was I doing in Cebu? Well, funny thing because I was actually asking myself the same question the whole duration of the plane ride. Why the hell did I allow myself to be puppy-eyed into saying yes to train ICT heads in a remote HS in Cebu? Well for one thing, it's hard to say no to someone when they Puss-in-boots-eyes their way into your sentiments and secondly, it's hard to say no to a sweet old man whose name is Jesus. I'm agnostic I know but humor me anyway.
I never would have lasted during the intended 3-day training there. Good thing, Cons was 'victimized' into saying yes as well. Call me selfish and partly evil but misery really loves company. And we were miserable in a funny sort of way. From the time I took the wrong box of training materials, to the time we waited hours to rebook our return trip to an earlier flight on the same day, to the time we were left by the van because we waited at the wrong side of the road, to the time we first saw where our training was going to be held, to the time we asked them what their background was on MS Access (WHAT BACKGROUND????), to the time we finally finished the thing and went back home.
Unfortunate events aside, I was so glad to see Cyril in the airport on the thursday that marked our return to familiarity and sanity.
Sir Jesus, Cons and I love you, but seriously, you should be banned from doing admin work. Let's keep the puss-in-boots-eyes to our chess matches shall we?
On a dreary sunday morning, I found myself strapped to the front seat of our car, Cy next to me, dreading the sight of the looming airport overhead. Still cranky from having my sleep disrupted, I checked in to a flight leaving for Cebu in an hour or so. Cebu??? Yes, god-damn Cebu. I have nothing against Cebu, in fact, my dad is a native of Cebu but the thing is, I would have preferred to be bound for Bacolod rather than Cebu.
What was I doing in Cebu? Well, funny thing because I was actually asking myself the same question the whole duration of the plane ride. Why the hell did I allow myself to be puppy-eyed into saying yes to train ICT heads in a remote HS in Cebu? Well for one thing, it's hard to say no to someone when they Puss-in-boots-eyes their way into your sentiments and secondly, it's hard to say no to a sweet old man whose name is Jesus. I'm agnostic I know but humor me anyway.
I never would have lasted during the intended 3-day training there. Good thing, Cons was 'victimized' into saying yes as well. Call me selfish and partly evil but misery really loves company. And we were miserable in a funny sort of way. From the time I took the wrong box of training materials, to the time we waited hours to rebook our return trip to an earlier flight on the same day, to the time we were left by the van because we waited at the wrong side of the road, to the time we first saw where our training was going to be held, to the time we asked them what their background was on MS Access (WHAT BACKGROUND????), to the time we finally finished the thing and went back home.
Unfortunate events aside, I was so glad to see Cyril in the airport on the thursday that marked our return to familiarity and sanity.
Sir Jesus, Cons and I love you, but seriously, you should be banned from doing admin work. Let's keep the puss-in-boots-eyes to our chess matches shall we?
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
on goodbyes and love
this is a relatively sensitive post so please be guided accordingly dear reader. i normally don't do this and it is with much unease that i type in letters, watch them form into words, into sentences that are laced with my feelings, and ultimately into paragraphs that make up the whole post in this entry. normally, i leave my more personal thoughts to myself or to my journal, which is carefully kept safe from prying eyes and minds that i know are short to understand. but this isn't a normal feeling. fitting i think, because what i have is not so normal a love. so again dear reader, be forewarned.
perhaps helplessness is one of the undesirable feelings i have been acquainted my entire life and i do not wish to have myself reminded of the feeling. though it be years ago i can still feel its incapacitating effect, grinding my world in to a slow and fatal stop. that is what happens i guess when you lose someone important. the pain of rejection is so sharp that you never numb yourself from it. it is that pain that starts and ends your day. it is the very thing you breathe. it becomes everything. the only thing. the thing.
of course he had told me his reasons. but his reasons never did fill the black hole that came to life the moment he said goodbye. i never knew a word more cruel than goodbye. it is more vicious and more malicious than any obscenity ever invented.
often times i tried to keep my sanity during the course of that unkind monsoon. and often times, i failed. i told myself many things, most of them half-heartedly, if only to regain an inch of myself. an inch! it is small and fragile and so easily lost. but never did i saw such endless possibilities in an inch.
she had threatened suicide, he said. what a nasty thing to say just to keep someone with you. she had threatened suicide yes but i guess he never noticed that i died the moment he said goodbye just to be with her. just to be with someone he doesn't really want to be with. just because of a threat. i wonder sometimes, being the god-fearing christian that she is if she would have gone and did it if he left her. my guess is, she wouldn't. i'm not saying that she's weak. perhaps she is. but the devout is less possible to commit suicide than an atheist or an agnostic. i wonder if she thought about god and her beliefs during that time. if she prayed twice as often afterwards the moment she realized that she shoved god and his teachings aside for self-preservation. i have no intention of mocking a god i'm uncertain exists, i just believe that self-preservation is innate in all of us. even the devout.
i've asked him a lot of times why he chose her and not me back then. and he always says the same thing. that he loved me but was scared of his love for me. that he was too afraid of the uncertainty we had together that a loveless choice but with security seemed a better option. that is perhaps why he called me a couple of times a month even after he left me. because you can't run away from something that the universe conspires for you. oh you can delay. you can delay for a day. a week. a month. a year. or two. but you can't spend a lifetime running away from it.
you can't run away from what you feel. no matter how much you try to erase it or bury it with someone else.
to some extent i do agree with her, when she said that he should have left the moment he realized that he loved me and will love me more that he ever could her. that he should have just left her from the beginning. but i often wonder about her sincerity on that particular matter. if it would really have been better if he left her and not me from the start.
if you love someone, then love them. it doesn't matter if they'll love you back or break your heart. if you love someone then be with them no matter the uncertainty. that's what cheza told him, when he asked cheza about certain things about love. it's amazing, how little conspiracies hide in the innocent things like a conversation. from what seemed like an innocuous conversation that transpired out of boredom snowballed until he found himself making the most important decision he ever made in his life on a bus ride home.
we all want a life of love. and to be robbed of it is a great tragedy. there are no real villians or heroes in the battle for real love. what makes one a protagonist or an antagonist is what they do after the decisions are made.
maybe what he did was wrong. and maybe you are right. maybe we were all wrong to some extent but he has made his amends and i, mine. maybe he should have left when he stayed and stayed when he left be he has reached a destination. whether it is her or i that is at the destination holds little value to the fact that love has finally arrived into his life. i'm just lucky that love also arrived in my life when it arrived into his.
to cy. to a life of love.
perhaps helplessness is one of the undesirable feelings i have been acquainted my entire life and i do not wish to have myself reminded of the feeling. though it be years ago i can still feel its incapacitating effect, grinding my world in to a slow and fatal stop. that is what happens i guess when you lose someone important. the pain of rejection is so sharp that you never numb yourself from it. it is that pain that starts and ends your day. it is the very thing you breathe. it becomes everything. the only thing. the thing.
of course he had told me his reasons. but his reasons never did fill the black hole that came to life the moment he said goodbye. i never knew a word more cruel than goodbye. it is more vicious and more malicious than any obscenity ever invented.
often times i tried to keep my sanity during the course of that unkind monsoon. and often times, i failed. i told myself many things, most of them half-heartedly, if only to regain an inch of myself. an inch! it is small and fragile and so easily lost. but never did i saw such endless possibilities in an inch.
she had threatened suicide, he said. what a nasty thing to say just to keep someone with you. she had threatened suicide yes but i guess he never noticed that i died the moment he said goodbye just to be with her. just to be with someone he doesn't really want to be with. just because of a threat. i wonder sometimes, being the god-fearing christian that she is if she would have gone and did it if he left her. my guess is, she wouldn't. i'm not saying that she's weak. perhaps she is. but the devout is less possible to commit suicide than an atheist or an agnostic. i wonder if she thought about god and her beliefs during that time. if she prayed twice as often afterwards the moment she realized that she shoved god and his teachings aside for self-preservation. i have no intention of mocking a god i'm uncertain exists, i just believe that self-preservation is innate in all of us. even the devout.
i've asked him a lot of times why he chose her and not me back then. and he always says the same thing. that he loved me but was scared of his love for me. that he was too afraid of the uncertainty we had together that a loveless choice but with security seemed a better option. that is perhaps why he called me a couple of times a month even after he left me. because you can't run away from something that the universe conspires for you. oh you can delay. you can delay for a day. a week. a month. a year. or two. but you can't spend a lifetime running away from it.
you can't run away from what you feel. no matter how much you try to erase it or bury it with someone else.
to some extent i do agree with her, when she said that he should have left the moment he realized that he loved me and will love me more that he ever could her. that he should have just left her from the beginning. but i often wonder about her sincerity on that particular matter. if it would really have been better if he left her and not me from the start.
if you love someone, then love them. it doesn't matter if they'll love you back or break your heart. if you love someone then be with them no matter the uncertainty. that's what cheza told him, when he asked cheza about certain things about love. it's amazing, how little conspiracies hide in the innocent things like a conversation. from what seemed like an innocuous conversation that transpired out of boredom snowballed until he found himself making the most important decision he ever made in his life on a bus ride home.
we all want a life of love. and to be robbed of it is a great tragedy. there are no real villians or heroes in the battle for real love. what makes one a protagonist or an antagonist is what they do after the decisions are made.
maybe what he did was wrong. and maybe you are right. maybe we were all wrong to some extent but he has made his amends and i, mine. maybe he should have left when he stayed and stayed when he left be he has reached a destination. whether it is her or i that is at the destination holds little value to the fact that love has finally arrived into his life. i'm just lucky that love also arrived in my life when it arrived into his.
to cy. to a life of love.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
cloth pieces from the quilt of my mind
The thing I like most about school are the days when I miss them. Being a La Sallian, this means the pathetic 3 weeks that make up our summer break. Finals week starts on April 9. Course card day is on April 19. Although Miss Ji has already informed me of my load next term, I'm free of classes until May 22!
-----------
On March 28-31, I was at Baguio for an all expense paid Cisco Networking Academy Program Conference. The conference aside, Baguio isn't what it used to be. Far from the mountain haven I remembered it to be, it is now reduced to another city that has been urbanized to death.
-----------
I just took my Final Exams for on of my MS classes (COMPARC/Computer Architecture) and was two points short of perfect. One 4.0 down, another one to go.
-----------
I'm eager for my next Capoeira class! They cancelled last night's class due to Holy Week so I swam instead. Tuesday next week is going to be my 5th session! In case you're interested, here's the official website of Escola Brasileira de Capoeira Philippines.
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Summertime and the livin's easy... (lyrics from Summertime by SUBLIME) now that I've got my Oakley Crosshair S(purple tint)
-----------
Upstrat Projects lined up: (codename only)
Finesay
Urocare
Triton
Crossbridge
CCO
Meaning I've got loads of stuff to do before our Boracay trip on April 28.
----------
I wonder when I'll be able to get enough time to take it easy without feeling guilty about it.
-----------
On March 28-31, I was at Baguio for an all expense paid Cisco Networking Academy Program Conference. The conference aside, Baguio isn't what it used to be. Far from the mountain haven I remembered it to be, it is now reduced to another city that has been urbanized to death.
-----------
I just took my Final Exams for on of my MS classes (COMPARC/Computer Architecture) and was two points short of perfect. One 4.0 down, another one to go.
-----------
I'm eager for my next Capoeira class! They cancelled last night's class due to Holy Week so I swam instead. Tuesday next week is going to be my 5th session! In case you're interested, here's the official website of Escola Brasileira de Capoeira Philippines.
-----------
Summertime and the livin's easy... (lyrics from Summertime by SUBLIME) now that I've got my Oakley Crosshair S(purple tint)
-----------
Upstrat Projects lined up: (codename only)
Finesay
Urocare
Triton
Crossbridge
CCO
Meaning I've got loads of stuff to do before our Boracay trip on April 28.
----------
I wonder when I'll be able to get enough time to take it easy without feeling guilty about it.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Speech for DLSU Precon 2007
Every year on the third trimester, DLSU holds a preconfirmation for those who passed the entrance exams and were qualified for admission. Yesterday, I was invited to give a speech to the would be Frosh of CCS-CT.
----
4th year highschool is always a good point in one's life. it marks, among other things, an academic milestone and is a point of transition as well.
a long time ago, i was in the same situation you are in right now. i too was at a point wherein i had to inevitably make not one, but two very important decisions.
the first one was to decide what course i would like to take in college. it goes without saying that the course someone takes almost usually determines one's trade later in life. a course in architecture almost always produces an architect and a course in biology almost always produces a doctor. my mom and dad are both in the medical field. my dad is a surgeon and my mom is a nurse. i would like to think that, if it weren't for their common interest in the medical field, they wouldn't have met. looking back, i too harbored dreams of becoming a doctor myself. which is perhaps why it was a bit of a surprise when i finally handed it my college applications stating that i wanted to take a computer course. what had triggered my momentary insanity? it wasn't that i was computer savvy or because i had a knack for writing computer programs. the truth, was far from that. in fact, it was the exact opposite of the continuum as i absolutely had no idea what a computer was even though we had one at home, i didn't know what a program was, i didn't even know what the web was in when so many of my highschool batchmates spent their off-school hours chatting in the mirc.
so again, what made me think that i wanted to enroll myself in a computer course? how did i, in all my reasoning manage to come up with a notion that i who had zero background on computers would last in a computer science course?
well, to tell you the truth, it was the very trivial thought that i didn't want to become computer illiterate at a time like this. at a time, when it was the boom of the internet and the world wide web. at a time where computers and the internet was a technology that greatly influenced our lives. that thought was what compelled me to make my first decision, that i wanted to earn a degree in computer science.
that of course, was just the half of a whole.
now that i knew what i wanted to take up, there is still the task of selecting the university i wanted to earn a degree from. i passed three college applications all stating that i wanted a computer science course and i took three college entrance exams. i took one for DLSU, one for UP and another for ADMU. thankfully, i passed all three exams and in all three, i got my first choice for a course. in DLSU, i was qualified for BSCS major in Computer Engineering, in UP i was qualified for BSCE and in ADMU i was qualified for BSCS with Physics.
since i'm standing here in in a preconfirmation session for DLSU, it is needless to say that i choose to go to lasalle. and the heart of my decision? feedback. every person i asked what the best university was to go to if i wanted to study computer science told me lasalle. every one. my classmates, my schoolmates who had gone to manila to study, my aunts and my uncles and my cousin who was 2nd yr college in during that time. all of them told me that lasalle was the best college to go to to earn a computer science degree.
back then, i took their word for it and decided to go to lasalle. now, as an alumni, a faculty member and someone who actually went through the curriculum, i now know that there was truth to their conviction. with competent professors and top of the line laboratories and facilities to complement and enhance theories taught in the classroom, it's hard not to be at your best. it's hard not to learn. it's hard not to be transformed.
so how did i, someone who had no computer background and knowledge fare in la salle? after three years through the course, the girl who knew nothing about computers was employed by Canon as an on-the-job trainee. A year after, the girl who knew nothing about computers built a robot as her thesis and was awarded a Most Outstanding Thesis Award. Still a few months after that and sometime before her graduation, the girl who knew nothing of computers was contacted by Azeus and was later hired as a Junior Software Developer. On October of 2004, the girl who knew nothing of computers graduated Honorable Mention from DLSU. Today, the girl who knew nothing of computers is co-founder of UPStrat, Inc. a startup company that offers clients web-based solutions.
Now, you have two very important decisions to make in your life as did I and so many others before us. First, you have to decide what you want to be in life and second, you have to decide where you want to go to become what you want to be in life. It doesn't matter what your decisions are going to be. The important thing is to make one. As Harvey Mackay said, "People begin to become successful the minute they decide to be."
Good day and thank you for spending your time with us.
----
4th year highschool is always a good point in one's life. it marks, among other things, an academic milestone and is a point of transition as well.
a long time ago, i was in the same situation you are in right now. i too was at a point wherein i had to inevitably make not one, but two very important decisions.
the first one was to decide what course i would like to take in college. it goes without saying that the course someone takes almost usually determines one's trade later in life. a course in architecture almost always produces an architect and a course in biology almost always produces a doctor. my mom and dad are both in the medical field. my dad is a surgeon and my mom is a nurse. i would like to think that, if it weren't for their common interest in the medical field, they wouldn't have met. looking back, i too harbored dreams of becoming a doctor myself. which is perhaps why it was a bit of a surprise when i finally handed it my college applications stating that i wanted to take a computer course. what had triggered my momentary insanity? it wasn't that i was computer savvy or because i had a knack for writing computer programs. the truth, was far from that. in fact, it was the exact opposite of the continuum as i absolutely had no idea what a computer was even though we had one at home, i didn't know what a program was, i didn't even know what the web was in when so many of my highschool batchmates spent their off-school hours chatting in the mirc.
so again, what made me think that i wanted to enroll myself in a computer course? how did i, in all my reasoning manage to come up with a notion that i who had zero background on computers would last in a computer science course?
well, to tell you the truth, it was the very trivial thought that i didn't want to become computer illiterate at a time like this. at a time, when it was the boom of the internet and the world wide web. at a time where computers and the internet was a technology that greatly influenced our lives. that thought was what compelled me to make my first decision, that i wanted to earn a degree in computer science.
that of course, was just the half of a whole.
now that i knew what i wanted to take up, there is still the task of selecting the university i wanted to earn a degree from. i passed three college applications all stating that i wanted a computer science course and i took three college entrance exams. i took one for DLSU, one for UP and another for ADMU. thankfully, i passed all three exams and in all three, i got my first choice for a course. in DLSU, i was qualified for BSCS major in Computer Engineering, in UP i was qualified for BSCE and in ADMU i was qualified for BSCS with Physics.
since i'm standing here in in a preconfirmation session for DLSU, it is needless to say that i choose to go to lasalle. and the heart of my decision? feedback. every person i asked what the best university was to go to if i wanted to study computer science told me lasalle. every one. my classmates, my schoolmates who had gone to manila to study, my aunts and my uncles and my cousin who was 2nd yr college in during that time. all of them told me that lasalle was the best college to go to to earn a computer science degree.
back then, i took their word for it and decided to go to lasalle. now, as an alumni, a faculty member and someone who actually went through the curriculum, i now know that there was truth to their conviction. with competent professors and top of the line laboratories and facilities to complement and enhance theories taught in the classroom, it's hard not to be at your best. it's hard not to learn. it's hard not to be transformed.
so how did i, someone who had no computer background and knowledge fare in la salle? after three years through the course, the girl who knew nothing about computers was employed by Canon as an on-the-job trainee. A year after, the girl who knew nothing about computers built a robot as her thesis and was awarded a Most Outstanding Thesis Award. Still a few months after that and sometime before her graduation, the girl who knew nothing of computers was contacted by Azeus and was later hired as a Junior Software Developer. On October of 2004, the girl who knew nothing of computers graduated Honorable Mention from DLSU. Today, the girl who knew nothing of computers is co-founder of UPStrat, Inc. a startup company that offers clients web-based solutions.
Now, you have two very important decisions to make in your life as did I and so many others before us. First, you have to decide what you want to be in life and second, you have to decide where you want to go to become what you want to be in life. It doesn't matter what your decisions are going to be. The important thing is to make one. As Harvey Mackay said, "People begin to become successful the minute they decide to be."
Good day and thank you for spending your time with us.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
goodbye neverland
i've always been a dreamer. i spent most of my highschool classroom time one foot inside a world of my own make. i've got journals upon journals of a mixture of naivete, stupidity and sometimes, uncommon wisdom for a girl of 13. i also have a sketchbook filled with people and things and places i've never seen except with my mind's eye. looking back, i am amazed how i managed to sneak myself into the honor's list considering that i always took a seat that was comfortably near a window or if one wasn't available, a seat next to the door. most of my classmates chose their seats on the basis of who they wanted to sit next to. not me. it didn't matter who i sat next to or who took the seat next to mine (since i'm not much of a talker anyway). what was essential was that i got the seat with the view.
the highschool classrooms were surrounded by trees. pine to be exact. and while they made a classmate of mine change sections because they made her itch, i've always been thankful for their company. the pines, with the sky behind them stood for a world beyond the corners of the room that held me captive from 7.30 - 4.40 for 5 days of the week. that, if anything, i think is what strengthened my affinity for them. they always made me feel that there was something more than what ever it was i was faced with. english and chemistry or physics. and during 4th year highschool, nsat and the anxiety of college.
i do not know what has become of my friends by the windows. i do not know whether they have been cut down to make way for a new building or if they have been left alone with their crystalline backdrop. how would i since i've never set foot on my highschool alma mater since i marched her halls as a graduate. i always saw them standing tall, and that is how i'll remember my pines by the windows to be.
melancholic how a highschool reunion two fridays ago could stir up images of myself i thought lost. the dreamer that was me is in deep slumber, the wordsmith in me silent. the pines long for the girl that always sat beside the window.
the highschool classrooms were surrounded by trees. pine to be exact. and while they made a classmate of mine change sections because they made her itch, i've always been thankful for their company. the pines, with the sky behind them stood for a world beyond the corners of the room that held me captive from 7.30 - 4.40 for 5 days of the week. that, if anything, i think is what strengthened my affinity for them. they always made me feel that there was something more than what ever it was i was faced with. english and chemistry or physics. and during 4th year highschool, nsat and the anxiety of college.
i do not know what has become of my friends by the windows. i do not know whether they have been cut down to make way for a new building or if they have been left alone with their crystalline backdrop. how would i since i've never set foot on my highschool alma mater since i marched her halls as a graduate. i always saw them standing tall, and that is how i'll remember my pines by the windows to be.
melancholic how a highschool reunion two fridays ago could stir up images of myself i thought lost. the dreamer that was me is in deep slumber, the wordsmith in me silent. the pines long for the girl that always sat beside the window.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
the end of the first.
christmas trees have been kept in storage boxes to slumber for its usual 10 months and lights that outline the doors and rooftops have been left unswitched when nightfall comes. though the wind has only wound up its chill, there is no doubt that christmas has passed and in a day's time, so will january.
the year is fresh but how mine started in a tempest! for one, i'm already dumped with articles and books that i have to read and my first machine project in advanced computer architecture is due just a few 20 days away. translation? i have to stop time or ask either god or the whole of christianity to squeeze in an extra day during weekends. gone are the days where i spent my saturdays sleeping just to catch up on the week's lost sleep. it's notoriously reminiscent of my Azeus days only this time, i teach CCNA classes. i have learned that work + 8 units of teaching load + 3 units research load + 6 units of MS + spending saturday am teaching CCNA classes to professionals who absolutely have no networking background might just mean the death of me.
the BIR project is finally deployed and is finally on its testing phase, which left me with three working weekends this month juggling between bug fixes, more QA and documentation. whose idea was it anyway to leave the documentation to the ladies? ever since college, i was always stuck with documentation. which is awful because it meant that i have an item more to do than everyone else in our group. and my usual death sentence? it was because i was the only female in the group. great. cavemen. ftw.
on the other side of the fence, i found time last friday to visit the parlor as a surprise for cy. let's just say that he was in a fixed state of a grin when he saw what i did with my hair (well actually, what i had the stylist do with my hair).
golden for this month is that i have found the joy of Latex (that's 'la-tek for you), which is a document markup language. it is for word documents (in pdf at that!) as html is for web content. it's like programming your document i.e:
breathe. focus. i'm almost there.
the year is fresh but how mine started in a tempest! for one, i'm already dumped with articles and books that i have to read and my first machine project in advanced computer architecture is due just a few 20 days away. translation? i have to stop time or ask either god or the whole of christianity to squeeze in an extra day during weekends. gone are the days where i spent my saturdays sleeping just to catch up on the week's lost sleep. it's notoriously reminiscent of my Azeus days only this time, i teach CCNA classes. i have learned that work + 8 units of teaching load + 3 units research load + 6 units of MS + spending saturday am teaching CCNA classes to professionals who absolutely have no networking background might just mean the death of me.
the BIR project is finally deployed and is finally on its testing phase, which left me with three working weekends this month juggling between bug fixes, more QA and documentation. whose idea was it anyway to leave the documentation to the ladies? ever since college, i was always stuck with documentation. which is awful because it meant that i have an item more to do than everyone else in our group. and my usual death sentence? it was because i was the only female in the group. great. cavemen. ftw.
on the other side of the fence, i found time last friday to visit the parlor as a surprise for cy. let's just say that he was in a fixed state of a grin when he saw what i did with my hair (well actually, what i had the stylist do with my hair).
golden for this month is that i have found the joy of Latex (that's 'la-tek for you), which is a document markup language. it is for word documents (in pdf at that!) as html is for web content. it's like programming your document i.e:
\documentclass[12pt]{article}
\title{\LaTeX}
\date{}
\begin{document}
% content here
\end{document}
equipped with syntax, control sequences, and parameters. and the cherry on top? you even have to compile it! geeky i must admit - and i usually don't, which says a lot - but it saves me from using the joke that is MSOffice whenever i'm stuck doing documentation for the neanderthals.breathe. focus. i'm almost there.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
on being wrong--
in all my years in dlsu and in computer science, both as a student and as a teacher, perhaps there has been no element or idea more popular than a little bit. it is the fundamental unit of discrete information. and it represents the outcome of one choice. 1 or 0. either the presence or the absence of voltage on an electrical component. on or off. and consequently in life, true or false. right or wrong.
everyday all throughout our life, we are faced with choices ranging from the insignificant, the seemingly insignificant and the truly significant. and with every choice, there has to be an outcome. a presence or an absence that directs the flow of our lives much as transistors, resistors and logical gates direct the flow of electricity on a circuit based on either the presence or absence.
the computer ultimately is only able to recognize and represent data only in binary form- the fundamental bit. humans however, are able to create crevices of indecision, an area between the true and the false that becomes an entity not entirely true or false, but mostly true or mostly false subject to necessity and abuse. whether it has become the bane of our existence or not is subject to much philosophical debate with which i reserve my opinion. for after all, my opinion can be interpreted by anybody as subjectively mostly true or mostly false despite the fact that it is called an OPINION in the very first place.
being wrong is mostly wrong but true and false is but a half of the story of life. if you're always afraid of being wrong, then you're passing up the chances of being right as well. and sometimes, being wrong for a few minutes, days, months or years helps you recognize what is right in the future: a lot of wrongs for one great right that truly, TRULY matters. a fair trade.
everyday all throughout our life, we are faced with choices ranging from the insignificant, the seemingly insignificant and the truly significant. and with every choice, there has to be an outcome. a presence or an absence that directs the flow of our lives much as transistors, resistors and logical gates direct the flow of electricity on a circuit based on either the presence or absence.
the computer ultimately is only able to recognize and represent data only in binary form- the fundamental bit. humans however, are able to create crevices of indecision, an area between the true and the false that becomes an entity not entirely true or false, but mostly true or mostly false subject to necessity and abuse. whether it has become the bane of our existence or not is subject to much philosophical debate with which i reserve my opinion. for after all, my opinion can be interpreted by anybody as subjectively mostly true or mostly false despite the fact that it is called an OPINION in the very first place.
being wrong is mostly wrong but true and false is but a half of the story of life. if you're always afraid of being wrong, then you're passing up the chances of being right as well. and sometimes, being wrong for a few minutes, days, months or years helps you recognize what is right in the future: a lot of wrongs for one great right that truly, TRULY matters. a fair trade.
Monday, January 08, 2007
happy holidays
it's crazy how i have regained consciousness of the days and months that go by based on the academic calendar. today officially marked my return to reality- manila, dlsu, upstrat, cityland, bir, masters. the whole she-goddamn-bang. today was the start of the 3rd term of the schoolyear and although i've already acquainted myself with 3 previous start-of-the-term feel, today was a little different. whether it was the fully packed classes (a stark contrast from last term where i handled but a handfull) or the waning holiday cheer i cannot say but today i felt like a frosh all anxious about the first day of school. and i guess in a way, i was since it was the start of my masters... digressing for a bit, i am amazed at how economic my tuition fee got after the discount took effect. from a whopping Php 21,826 to a mere Php 3456! I knew getting 3 terms worth of residency was worth it. It was the first time that I paid my tuition fee without flinching- metaphorically of course.
the start of the term marked a new venture for me as well as made final, the holiday memories i know cy and i will cherish.
to kick off our holiday season, we started with a formal night. cy and i were naturally invited to Fer's wedding as they are after all siblings. It was a pleasant afternoon of the 21st of Dec when the boys (Dad-cy's dad that is, Blobi and Cy) dropped us girls (Xen, Barbie, Mai, Avi and Vey) off to the parlor. Sporting hairstyles and make-ups 2 hours later, we went to Vey's place at Fort Bonifacio to change to our outfits. I wasn't part of the entourage (thanks to Mai and her superstitious belief that if cy and i were part of the entourage, we might break up before we wed) so i brought my own dress. the dress i really liked (which is rare because i'm very picky about my dresses) that i didn't look for any other alternative the moment i saw it over at warehouse, podium. it was pricey (Php 5,300) but thanks to my dad and cy, it was off the display the day after. It was a lilac tube dress, so pale that at certain angles, you'd mistake it for a white one. I used a diamond circlet my mom had given me and a pair of diamond-laden white gold earrings to avoid looking so bare. i specifically asked the stylist to accentuate the curls of my hair but leave it down. i wore a strappy, white, open-toe heels from wade and used a white LuLu clutch bag to hold all my things. I picked out a textured lilac tie from van heusen for cy to match the color of my dress. he had on a black, long-sleeve polo under his coat which served as a dark background and amplified his tie. and it was fun that people noticed that he wore a tie which had the same color of my dress. the wedding was top notch and so was the reception. it was like prom, only more serious and classy.
the day after fer's wedding, cy and i were cramming our christmas shopping. i had already bought most of the gifts but i somehow forgot a cousin or two. all in all, we spent plenty for everyone:
mai: starbucks 2007 planner
dad: parker silver pen
blobi: travel pillow from living well
vey, bryn, fer, xen, avi and my aunts: burt's bees lip shimmer from beauty bar
barbie: little mermaid paint set
papa: girbaud wallet
mama: LuLu handbag
on the 23rd, cy, our chi cousteau and i found ourselves at the PAL terminal checking in for our flight to bacolod. it had been a while since cy flew and it was the first time he ever flew just to be with my family for the holidays. it was a 50-min flight from manila to bacolod and we were both giddy in our seats talking about how the sea seemed to have had traded places with the clouds. cy stayed at our house until the 31st. and he met my cousins, my aunts and uncles and my other dogs. i showed him the city of smiles and showed him places of my childhood during the day and he, my brothers and cousins would play poker, dota, went out to eat at the restaurants, or had a movie marathon at night. we went to el salvador which was at par with scenic tagaytay and goofed around with the camera. all in all, it felt like a HOLIDAY.
when i arrived on the 5th of the new year, cy was waiting for me at the airport. he gave me a bouquet of my favorite casa blancas. we drove around until we stopped over at eastwood for dinner. then we parked our car at the proximity of the sunken garden and he read me a poem:
"somewhere i have never travelled"
somewhere i have never travelled,
gladly beyond any experience,
your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture
are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch,
because they are too near.
your slightest look
easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal
myself as spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously)
her first rose.
or if your wish be
to close me,
i and my life will shut
very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing we are to perceive in this world
equals the power of your intense fragility:
whose texture compels me
with the color of its countries
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you
that closes and opens;
only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes
is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands.
-- will be uploading photos soon--
the years have blessed me too kindly and it is my wish that kindness show its face to you as well this year. happy new year!
the start of the term marked a new venture for me as well as made final, the holiday memories i know cy and i will cherish.
to kick off our holiday season, we started with a formal night. cy and i were naturally invited to Fer's wedding as they are after all siblings. It was a pleasant afternoon of the 21st of Dec when the boys (Dad-cy's dad that is, Blobi and Cy) dropped us girls (Xen, Barbie, Mai, Avi and Vey) off to the parlor. Sporting hairstyles and make-ups 2 hours later, we went to Vey's place at Fort Bonifacio to change to our outfits. I wasn't part of the entourage (thanks to Mai and her superstitious belief that if cy and i were part of the entourage, we might break up before we wed) so i brought my own dress. the dress i really liked (which is rare because i'm very picky about my dresses) that i didn't look for any other alternative the moment i saw it over at warehouse, podium. it was pricey (Php 5,300) but thanks to my dad and cy, it was off the display the day after. It was a lilac tube dress, so pale that at certain angles, you'd mistake it for a white one. I used a diamond circlet my mom had given me and a pair of diamond-laden white gold earrings to avoid looking so bare. i specifically asked the stylist to accentuate the curls of my hair but leave it down. i wore a strappy, white, open-toe heels from wade and used a white LuLu clutch bag to hold all my things. I picked out a textured lilac tie from van heusen for cy to match the color of my dress. he had on a black, long-sleeve polo under his coat which served as a dark background and amplified his tie. and it was fun that people noticed that he wore a tie which had the same color of my dress. the wedding was top notch and so was the reception. it was like prom, only more serious and classy.
the day after fer's wedding, cy and i were cramming our christmas shopping. i had already bought most of the gifts but i somehow forgot a cousin or two. all in all, we spent plenty for everyone:
mai: starbucks 2007 planner
dad: parker silver pen
blobi: travel pillow from living well
vey, bryn, fer, xen, avi and my aunts: burt's bees lip shimmer from beauty bar
barbie: little mermaid paint set
papa: girbaud wallet
mama: LuLu handbag
on the 23rd, cy, our chi cousteau and i found ourselves at the PAL terminal checking in for our flight to bacolod. it had been a while since cy flew and it was the first time he ever flew just to be with my family for the holidays. it was a 50-min flight from manila to bacolod and we were both giddy in our seats talking about how the sea seemed to have had traded places with the clouds. cy stayed at our house until the 31st. and he met my cousins, my aunts and uncles and my other dogs. i showed him the city of smiles and showed him places of my childhood during the day and he, my brothers and cousins would play poker, dota, went out to eat at the restaurants, or had a movie marathon at night. we went to el salvador which was at par with scenic tagaytay and goofed around with the camera. all in all, it felt like a HOLIDAY.
when i arrived on the 5th of the new year, cy was waiting for me at the airport. he gave me a bouquet of my favorite casa blancas. we drove around until we stopped over at eastwood for dinner. then we parked our car at the proximity of the sunken garden and he read me a poem:
"somewhere i have never travelled"
somewhere i have never travelled,
gladly beyond any experience,
your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture
are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch,
because they are too near.
your slightest look
easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal
myself as spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously)
her first rose.
or if your wish be
to close me,
i and my life will shut
very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing we are to perceive in this world
equals the power of your intense fragility:
whose texture compels me
with the color of its countries
rendering death and forever with each breathing
(i do not know what it is about you
that closes and opens;
only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes
is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands.
-- will be uploading photos soon--
the years have blessed me too kindly and it is my wish that kindness show its face to you as well this year. happy new year!
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