fossil town festival

on the 25th, cy and i found ourselves on a bus speeding across the south super highway and headed for the metropolis. we got off at atc a jeepney ride later. we meandered and after a time, we ate lunch at gerry's grill. we got tickets to a movie and meandered some more while waiting for the screening time to clock out.

atc is a place i miss. i used to go there a lot during my college weekends when i would sleep at my cousin's place at bf homes lp. i would go home on a friday afternoon or evening, and come back monday early morning to the welcome of my dormitory. after a year of atc abstinence, i'm glad i got to go with cy.

anyway, as we were looking for the store francesco for my red madrid birk (to cut my white one some slack from use) that cy will buy for me as a christmas present, we found ourselves window shopping at fossil and i saw sunglasses that would suit cy better than the one he currently had one. it was an angelika. and it came in brown/bronze and white/silver. cy opted for the brown/bronze and i bought it for him. he wanted to buy me the white/silver but after inspection, i found it a bit deformed. there was some pouting and oh wells until the clerk informed me that the branch over at festival had the same model. after the movie we headed for festival mall. i have forgotten how big it was and it took some time before we found the store.

we spent christmas rather unconventionally considering that we should be at cy's place. but i'm not one to complain. i guess diliman would have to wait until my next visit.

east heaven 168

on the 24th, cy and i found ourselves heading home (his home that is) as i was invited to spend christmas at their place. i had taken care in wrapping their gifts, a body shop bergamot cologne for mai and a giordano cap (a style i do not know but much like a paper boy's) for balolo (the christmas basket and the ham i gave a week earlier). unfortunately, my tokens never reached the foot of their christmas tree as 20 mins after arriving, we saw ourselves out.

i had seated myself on their living room while they conversed and caught up with each other. i then saw a bunch of photos and saw an old one of cy's. it took 5 mins for cy to ask me what was wrong and i did my explanation by pointing at the offensive photograph. cy took the photograph from the book case and disappeared out of sight. he emerged 5 mins later carrying his luggage and saying nothing except for me to take my things. i was dumbstruck- but i obeyed. as cy stormed out of the house, i waved a sheepish goodbye to mai, balolo and ebi while trying to stay in stride.

cy told me that he had thrown that particular photograph away a long time ago even before we got together and that he was just as surprised as i was when he saw it there. apparently cy said, mai had retrieved the photograph as it was not in her nature to throw away anything. he ripped it apart he said. he doesn't want me to feel violated in any way. and i was violated. but that went away as cy told me all this and i realized that he had stood up for me (and that implies a lot of things). that is how cy ruined our christmas and strengthened our relationship :)

we headed back to my place to drop off our things after stopping over for a couple of games at hobbystop. we then took a taxi ride to eastwood.

eastwood. heaven and eggs. station 168.

that's how we spent our christmas. it was unconventional in every which way... but i'm glad that both cy and i have a thing for the unconventional.

white

if there's one distinct color cy associates with me, it's white. this is due perhaps to the fact that during our ojt days, i always wore it (white i mean). and it did slip my attention but only after cy told me this did i realize the large amount of white clothes and stuff i had.

apparently the impression never wore off because to date he calls me a lot of 'white' things:

1. white beached whale - the term beached whale was coined by my brother, originating from a habit i had back then of staying put (preferrably lying down) after a hearty meal. distressed but reluctant to do otherwise. that's how he put it..

2. white cat - cy makes me mew at his request and is fascinated how very much of a feline i sound.

3. white golf ball - the golf ball article is a little gem he borrowed about important things in life or in this case, his life. i'm glad to be his golf ball. although appending the adjective white is a bit redundant considering that golf balls by default come in white.

4. white cow - i'm not much for stuff toys but there was this one stuff toy i brought home one day that cy particularly liked. it was a cow. it had beady eyes and it was pristine white except for his/her (we are still deliberating Cow's gender) ears. we would make it dance, cy would put it on top of his head when he sits in front of the pc while i on the other hand, use it to support my arms when using the mouse.

anyway. despite this fascination for white which i share with someone, i'm glad that i see white differently. if to some, white is the absence of color, to me white is the complete opposite of that. i see white as an achromatic color (i.e. containing all the colors of the spectrum) and black, as the absence of color. how sick life's humor can be and its analogies: my black is white to some people and who knows what my white is to them.

i'm glad that aside from that diffirence, i know that i am politically correct.

pep's dad died saturday from a heart attack at age 41 and i only knew about it now.

i had planned to post about something less morbid but however i try to skirt the topic of death, its centrifugal force keeps me locked. death is a certain eventuality in life. and we die a little every day that we live. of course, one can see that people continue to function even if they are dead if not at least in a state of somnambulism.

two years ago, i had planned to die at the age of 50. i had planned a peaceful death most meticulously: an overdose of benzodiazepine to hand me to the sandman before he hands me to the ripper. the lovely idea of having a bag over the head (not as a form of strangulation but as a way of maintaining as little oxygen as possible) i borrowed from sean's cadaver from nip/tuck, to make me see colors as my supply of oxygen depletes gradually. how beautiful, my death would have been 28 years from now had not cy come to intervene.

how random. human life....
my deepest condolences peps.

<li> 1 misa de gallo<li>

apparently, living 3 days offline is too much of a time and way to unhealthy for my better health. i have accumulated much thought, too much in fact that i have forgotten most of them while some of them cling still, to the tip of my tongue just enough for me to sense that they're there but not so as to be able to recount them with much accuracy. in my attempt at recollection, i grew a list which i know is a topic or two short still:

1. misa de gallo
2. the christmas party last friday (not so much the party but the adventure after it)
3. moving out and moving in (for the 3rd time since i came here)
4. an unexpected reassurance and a further musing

to post each item included in the list in one go would be way too much of a read for some (as kyle suggested) and so i have decided to tackle each item in a separate list save for the first which i will include here and is as follows.

misa de gallo

saddled with reason and coming from a devout family, i had tried to foment a debate once- out of mere curiousity- regarding my family's (specifically my parents') reasons for our family's specific stand in faith over the dining table and it was disappointment that met me. some reason that god can not be bound by human reason - i agree to an extent (brushing aside the glaring signal of begging the question) but no so blindedly and without proof. it is but human to hold on to so divine a reason such as faith given an existence forced without consent. it is but a way to adapt. a way of finding a reason to make yourself work in hopes of cheating extinction. i probably sound opinionated. maybe biased and quite possibly jaded but sooner or later i'll find out (or not) for myself if there is a god (or not). until that is done, you can label me (with raised eyebrows and shaking of heads and other gesticulations implying the negative) as an agnostic.

if i had offended anyone and their beliefs, it was not my intent to do so. especially not during the height of christianity's conviction at the anticipation of their savior. so hard, man's attempt at vindication... anyway, one of the customs crafted by the religious body is misa de gallo, or as more people know it, simbang gabi, which is spiritual preparation for the coming of christ. it would be logical to assume that it is out of my nature to attend misa de gallo given that i'm an agnostic and the bigger picture that i don't even attend sunday masses (i only do, and obligatedly so, when my parents have flown over or i'm at bacolod).

BUT. despite myself and my beliefs, i found myself awake early in the morning 9 days before christmas and heading to the church across the street with cy for misa de gallo. hark the angels indeed! despites the hopes of me burning as i set foot on the church by some, i was safe. and i kept awake despite myself long enough to hear the homily sound clear. but i will not deny that i was thankful by the time communion came. anyway. before anybody else thinks that what i did was blasphemous i shall state my reasons of honoring such a custom albeit my continuous doubt: cy. he had asked me before that we attend misa de gallo this year. knowing well that he was an agnostic just as i am, i took his suggestion as a jest and that was the end of it. or so i thought. on the 15th, cy asked me again if i wanted to attend misa de gallo. i thought that it had to be important considering that cy wasn't one to nag unless it was of real consequence. so i asked him about it as a courtesy.

he told me that he never attended misa de gallo before despite previous invitations. he told me that he wanted me to be the first and last person he ever attended misa de gallo with. i was dumbfounded. how can i refuse?

people say that when one completes the 9 masses of misa de gallo, that someone is entitled to a wish. i'm not one to hand my fate and my life to such a silly thing such as a wish. but. i'll make one nonetheless. despite my obvious lack of need for it.

i've been meaning to write about something important today. but as the whiners have flooded my email yet again with their incessant whining (and i didn't even get to the opinion page of pdi!!!), i'll get back to work and leave you with a few of my test results.

What sort of Weapon best Represents your Personality?

Your personality is best represented by the traditional Japanese Katana. You are brave beyond words and rarely (if ever) act for your own personal gain. Your honor is very important to you, and you strive to better yourself and help others. You try not to let emotions get in the way of making a sound decision, and are usually quite successful.

What type of killer are you?

You are a Samurai. You are full of honour and value respect. You are not really the stereotypical hero, but you do fight for good. Just in your own way. For you, it is most certainly okay to kill an evil person, if it is for justice and peace. You also don't belive in mourning all the time and think that once you've hit a bad stage in life you just have to get up again. It's pointless to concentrate on emotional pain and better to just get on with everything. You also are a down to earth type of person and think before you act. Impulsive people may annoy you somewhat.

Main weapon: Sword
Facial expression: Small smile

"Always do the right thing. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest" -Mark Twain

(how consistent can i get? lolz)

of white umbrellas and other rare things - a musing by lunaeternal

today as i recall all that happened during the party, my thoughts drifted in part to a rather unusual situation that i happen to be in. and because the matter includes people that may wish to remain anonymous, i shall try to put into words as abstractly for the benefit of those who wish to be unnamed, things that otherwise had no voice...

am i in the wrong and did i really come in between? to approach this as rationally as i can, to say for one to come in between is to say that he or she cause parties to be in conflict or to be enstranged. and was there conflict? yes. was there enstrangement? definitely! to all three involved in fact... but to say that for one to come in between not only implies the previously established definition but also implies, and more importantly so, that it is done forcibly and ill-favorably. so was it done depictive of the given adjectives? on one end of the continuum, a vehement yes and on the other end, a clear and distinctive no. it is here that technicalities and definitions are to be settled to clear the muddle. and how is it to be settled? qualitatively or quantitatively? of that i am not sure and more so because we are dealing with subjective matters which we are trying to examine objectively. to annotate, on which, what and whose handle of truth are we to base the conclusion? on whose should go without saying. but how are we to reconcile the conflicting ends and clashing convictions in our quest to create the collective truth which is to form the basis of our handle?

case in point, how and when is it right to say that one got in between? when one comes in between, there are two possibilities: there is either no change or there is a change of affection. as the proof of concept here deals with the latter possibility, i shall focus further analysis on the second stated possibility as there is obviously no point in dallying with a possibility which holds no real consequence.

in the event that one is to have a change of affection, there is an important thing that we have to be conscious of and that is whether it transpired as a result of or whether it was done consciously and willingly and as the catalyst itself. let me reiterate. what we have to identify is whether the change of affection happend because of a stimulus or whether it was the stimulant itself. going further to effectively apply this to the situation for added clarity, what we have to distinguish is whether the person who had the change of affection had the emotional transition as a result of a stimulus (in this case a person of the opposite gender acting in full cognizance of the situation to cultivate an environment for such a transition) or whether the person who had a change of affection is the very same person who initiated and further cultivated an environment to a point that affection becomes mutual. that distinction clear, i can now say that if the situation were the first, then the term would be most appropriate. but if it were the latter scenario, it just wouldn't hold ground. and why shouldn't it? how could someone come in between something that is not whole to begin with? and more importantly, how could someone come in between if and when it wasn't the person who supposedly came in between who galvanized such an encounter in the first place? i could even go further and say that, taking away the person who had a change of affection, both parties had neither control or fault in what came to pass. and how did i come to say this? because the decision to stay or leave was never theirs. because the decision rests solely on the one changing or not changing his or her affection. of course both could always try to sway the decision to one side or another but the decision itself is ultimately exclusive to the one changing or not changing his or her affection.

that being established, to say then that one came in between when one changed his affection primarily, willingly and fully conscious of its consequences not only breaches suitability, it is just plain wrong. how can someone in all their objective intellect, focus blame on another simply because they are the third party? i can make only one rational assumption given the situation: it is the most convinient. how is it convinient? well it directs negativities to someone unknown for one, which is always easy to do. it also preserves a degree of the past in the sense that one can dwell on the events that happened before the other person came and linger on the possibilities of the relationship given the other person never came at all. it also negates responsibility of the previously beloved on the argument that had the other person not come along, everything would have been perfect (which is to my opinion only a fragile possibility). in sum it is denial that is most convinient. and more so putting the blame where it shouldn't be. i mean, how can someone believe in fate and conveniently put the blame on someone else when fate leads them somewhere they feel they are not supposed to be? why believe in fate and not accept your place in the 'grander scheme of things'? isn't that completely mental not to mention hypocritical? if you believe in fate then blame it on fate letting you play the role of the unchosen. if you don't believe in fate then perhaps putting the blame on the wrong person might have been a degree forgivable.

now please don't percieve this post as sarcasm or rationalization as it was never intended to be so. what i am trying to say or more appropriately, what i am trying to refute here is not my innocence on the matter nor am i trying to rationalize the part i played. what i am trying to say and nothing more is that although disagree with the notion that i am to someone's perspective, the one that got in between, i honor that someone's view on the matter considering the possibilities and the necessity on why such a conclusion must be formulated despite glaring alternatives.

which is really uncharacteristic of me... of course i felt hostile at first as i am but human and a woman at that! but after tracking what has been happening with her life or at least, those which she chose to write about and made known publicly, hostility shifted to pity. and i do pity her. a lot in fact. which is the reason why i wanted to shadowbox and lay my foundations on the matter first of all and wish for her happiness the second. now don't get me wrong. i do not pity her because there are people who take such gesture as insult. far from that, i pity her in all its purest aspect. because she has been so much and she struggles so hard to regain a piece of happiness.

some people see only the things that happen. cutting off vision and understanding when decisions have been made and consequences begin to unfold. i tend to see beyond that primarily because i think that taking responsibility is just as consequential to things as the decisions people have made. and that goes whether i asked for these things to happen or not. whether more appropriately, i asked to be involved in it or not. think of it this way, just to indulge (or perhaps not) her line of thinking. if i chose not to be involved, it wouldn't really have followed that he would have stopped. if i chose not to be involved because of respect and technicalities, it wouldn't really have followed that she would found her utopia.

i want to make this as clear as i can. although i was part of what had come to pass, i more importantly want to be a part of the things that happen after. and i choose to help even if it is not my responsibility to do so, even if i am still considered as a foe. and i don't choose to help because i believe it will vindicate me or it will make things right. i don't choose to help because i seek forgiveness (because i don't, and there is nothing to be forgiven). i choose to help because i feel that it is right to do so however unconventional or unappropriate it may be - but not so obtrusively and unwantedly.

last night was the christmas party of the other company (softwarepronto) i am associated with and we all got an excuse to spend and drink. aside from good company which consisted not only of my officemates but my cousins, friends and of course cy, we also had good food and thankfully, good music played by local bands michaelangelo and southborder.

last night was probably the second time that i liked the opening band better than the main one. michaelangelo proved to be very promising because aside from good music selection (they only had a number of original compositions), their vocalist had a really good personal style which seasoned the song dramatically. i tell you, i never knew that madonna's like a virgin could even be played the way they played it. anyway, all (and i mean this literally in all its quantitative implications) the music they played i like (classic alternative ranging from beatles' come together to oasis' wonderwall to the verve pipe's the freshman to matchbox20's unwell to maroon5's she will be love etc etc). they really won me over when they played waiting in vain (a bob marley classic which has gone through a lot of renditions by various artists both international and local). their music cut across all brackets and that is to say a lot.

anyway, southborder was alright as well although i admit that i enjoyed the first act more. the only moment i remember distinctly when south border was performing was when they sang rainbow. cy, coming back from the bathroom took his seat next to mine and whispered the song along. well, with cy around, it's not hard to relate to the lyrics of the song, even if you were once a pessimist.

how is it that i have what i have right now?

money we could save and knowledge we could acquire but we could never force someone to be ours..

should i consider myself lucky then that i am with exactly who i want to be with?

no.never lucky.

blessed.

A Lifetime - Better Than Ezra

Allie woke up 8AM

Graduation day.
Got into a car,
And crashed along the way.

When we arrived late to the wake,
Stole the urn while they
Looked away,
And drove to the beach
'Cause I knew you'd want it
That way.

And you were standing
On the hood of the car
Singing out loud
When the sun came up.

And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing
In my mind.
And three and a half minutes
Felt like a lifetime

It felt like a lifetime

And you move like water
I could drown in you.
And I fell so deep once,
Till you pulled me through

You would tell me
"No one is allowed to be so proud
They never reach out
When they're giving up."

And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing
In my mind.
And three and a half minutes
Felt like a lifetime

Are you sitting in the lights?
Or combing your hair again,
And talking in rhymes?
Are you sitting in the lights?

When I got home, heard the phone,
Your parents had arrived.
And your dad set his jaw
Your mom just smiled and sighed.

But they left soon
And I went to my room.
Played that disc that you'd given me,
And I shut my eyes
Swear I could hear the sea.

When we were standing
On the hood of your car
Singing out loud when the sun came up.

And I know I wasn't right,
But it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind,
Like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing
In my mind.
And three and a half minutes,
Three and a half minutes,

Felt like a lifetime.

chronos

we come of age and we expect to be nothing short of wiser. we age and behold, life unfolds its mysteries one after the other as we gracefully surrender the things of youth and trade them with things better suited for the journey. at last enlightenment. at last clarity of adage. at last tranquility within, contentment and altruism. at last a love eternal.

we face the dawn mindful of the shadows that we cast. the light that we set our gaze upon is the light guides us to where we might be and is also the light that marks shadows of were we have been. how ever high or below the horizon the light we behold, however short or long the shadows cast, we are stuck between moving forward and going back. stuck in the intersection of time. as tomorrow becomes today and eventually yesterday. despite our longing to weild it with our will. to hold off change or to encourage it is not ours to bear.

time is time whether it be fast or slow. it can haste or delay but never with complete alacrity or procrastination. ever still and ever in motion. we are stuck in an hour glass until our sand runs out.

"sleeping the day away" was a myth. it was something that i sometimes wished for during times that i had nothing to do and staying awake became a bore. i never thought i would live to see someone give a more comical sense to it so you would imagine my horror at proving myself wrong.

22 hrs and 15 mins. that's how long i shamefully slept yesterday. it might have been a miracle that i stayed awake while eating lunch..

when friday came i was a bit restless for the 18th hour. we were playing tennis. cy, miguel and i. none of us were really experts at it. i might have gotten lessons but that was way back during 2nd year high school and the last time i held a tennis racket was when we were goofing around at the resort's tennis court a number of friends and i were staying in on a christmas vacation at boracay. miguel i think (feel free to say otherwise on this one) had lessons as well but i don't know extensive it was and cy never swung a racket in his life. we weren't expecting long rallies but we played just the same.

when we arrived and stretched, there were some ball runners that watched us a nearby distance but suffice to say that after cy hit the first two balls and they both landed on the other court (that would be over the net, over the place that i was expecting to receive it, over still the tall fence and finally to the empty, unoccupied and unrented court beyond ours), the pack of ball runners found better entertainment watching tv. one samaritan from the pack decided to help us all out without being told to (and we gave him a big tip for his initiative) and we played a rather chaotic mixed doubles (we were actually picking up the balls more than we were hitting them) for 150 mins. in sum, we all agreed that it was good sweat and we were all looking forward to next friday. we went to cafe breton afterwards to cool down, have some tea and crepe and talk company matters.

no wonder i had to sleep for 22 hours and 15 mins. i must have worn myself out running around the court, picking up balls, swinging air and flexing my tummy muscles from laughing my head off at our individual stunts.

we're playing tennis again this coming weekend and ebi (cy's older sis who also had lessons before) said she'd come. i just hope i won't sleep as much the day after.

3 hrs and 57 mins of doing nothing. who would've thought that i'd be complaining by now? really i confuse even myself sometimes. after pulling the shades up and hooking my earphones for classical music access, i stare at the clouds like i always did during high school. i mull my life over and i wonder about things i usually do when i get the time to. light and shade and the tricks lighting can play on our eyes. perspective. nothing more than an illusion...

i want to be a gosu designer. but currently, i'm a developer. and as such, i concern myself with syntax, api, best practices and optimization. is it perhaps of my personal experience that i expect at least the same courtesy from other technical persons in the field? i guess it goes without saying that people who call themselves developers and do nothing of the items stated above are trouble. in all honesty they should switch to another profession and steer clear from me (preferably, they should be absent within a meter's radius from me.. physically and virtually).

i guess my ranting about them proves that i have been exposed (unwillingly of course) to these so called techies. and it is for my better health i suppose that i vent about them here.

1. abu and his henchwoman with their cryptic english ( i wonder if they created an art of unintelligible, loosely constructed english? not of course that i'm saying that my english is perfect, but at least it's functional...) and worse, their incapacity to implement a simple mechanism to wrap information in xml (and they were given the wsdl too!!!!) in a programming language they testify to have been using for years. idiots. it took me less time to write a script in asp, a language i didn't know and they supposedly mastered. honestly, i did in 4 lousy hours (and i didn't even file it as overtime) what they had been trying to implement for the past 3 days. they must have missed something in their english... oh what was that abu? can you hold? i have to decipher that one. i'll get back to you later.

2. jon, who procrastinated a whole month before testing what i had rushed to deliver to him: a working shopping cart system complete with integration and layout. and who changed his eAccess password without informing me. you wouldn't believe this guy. i asked him several times over if he happened to change the password because if he did, i have to tweak the config file of the app and upload it again. he said no. but then why was the system which i had tested and worked flawlessly having errors now? the error message was a telltale sign that the error persists during sign in. that's a no brainer. it's either the sign in name or the password. since the sign in name is within my control, by the process of elimination it must be the password. but he didn't change it... or didn't he? i tried logging in to his eAccess account and bingo, username and password do not match. i reset the password and tried testing the app again. and it worked, flawlessly as expected. so much for not changing the password. why i oughta...

3. telesforo, my latest pain. who incredibly made it to tertiary education without knowing how to read. honestly, the point of documentation and in-line coding/comments are fairly obvious. they are to be read. yes, that's R E A D tele. very good! templates, although they are to be the bare minimum of anything, in this case the integration script, should still be used accordingly. don't expect to copy and paste it in your code and expect a fully functional app afterwards.

my point is, being a developer requires certain codes of conduct as well. read the comments. understand the code. do whatever it is that you can do on your own before finally asking for assistance. if you are on a deadline, don't pull me in to the mess. don't let me code for you. you are a technical person, you can do that on your own. technical assistance is fine. but being asked insipid questions whose answers are just beyond the // is not just annoying. it's insulting to both your hard work and profession.

Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional

i miss me. i miss the things i used to do more so...

• daydreaming as i sit placidly and fix a look of interest in my face at the lesson at hand when i actuality what i really was engrossed in was things that were otherworldly. i spent most of my hs classroom time doing this that's it's almost mental how i got to the honor's list everytime.
  
• my room with its polished floors, potpourri smell,french windows and how the immaculate white curtains would glow at 4.30 in the afternoon.
• how wind would make my chimes sound everytime i took a read in our balcony or every time i wanted to gaze at orion's belt or the sound of my guitar's strings as i plucked them one by one. the very same balcony that i have almost broken a bone from in a haphazard leap out of whimsy.
• the long drives i would take on weekends by myself or with my friends just to get the future off my mind.
• going to my cousin's house which was just beside ours.
• berlin, my duschand and her misfit of a husband lennin.
• the busy-ness of the living room or the library as my brothers and i would huddle watching a movie or a basketball game.
• how my brother would call me to consult what ever it is that he's got on
  

in more ways than one, i am a long way from home. for five years i haven't stayed more than a month in my room that i fear that it has forgotten the memory of me. i fear that time has whisked away the secrets ang magic i shared with my room.

there's nothing wrong with what i have now. but good memories stay inside you. no matter how far you get. no matter how old you get.

hp4 the movie - after AGAIN plus friday's climb

it was a very lazy saturday for both cy and i. after sleeping most of the day away, we finally went out to have dinner at galleria's rai rai ken. i had the wrong item from the menu ordered but cy was so thoughtful (like he always is) to switch ramens with me after noticing that i barely touched my bowl. after that, out of nothing else to do, we watched harry potter for the second time. there are some movies that you appreciate more and more after watching it several times, especially one as visually stimulating and intellectually challenging as hp. on the second roll of the film, i got to notice more and more details that i might have not paid attention to before as on our first watch i was intent on understanding the dialogue. the movie finished late but we still had some time to have tea at the podium's branch of cafe breton's. the weather was chilly and i was glad i was wearing my new jacket (again, courtesy of cy) which was designed to fend off the cold. we had hot tea, a mango, and a strawberry crepe. we walked the rest of the way home and i was glad to have some form of exercise (albeit minimal as it might be).

my muscles still ached due to our wall climbing session last friday. we were 9 all in all, my officemates and i and we proved to be one noisy bunch by the time we got to power up. it had been a long time since my last climb and i have gotten extremely ill twice this year already that i was almost doubtful that i'll get to the top. but all that went away when i was the first to reach the top. i had already made 4 climbs and 3 climb downs when cy and miguel arrived (just to watch). and i decided to climb the left walls which were more challenging since the wall slanted and there were cut-offs. i felt a bit sorry for ehmil who belayed me since he was constantly being teased about being beaten up given he let me fall. hahahha. it was hard and i was out of breath 3/4 of the way but i pushed myself to reach the highest hold. since cy was there. ^^ i wanted him to be proud of me. and he was. i beamed when miguel said at the bottom that i still had it. anyway, more climbs are being scheduled and i'm hoping to be able to climb the rest of the left wall by february. and the right walls? hahha maybe i better not think of it right now. yes, my muscles still ache but i don't mind. i can't wait for our next climb on friday!

hp4 - the movie - after

i just saw hp4 and i must say that although i was a bit scandalized by Michael Gamboon's portrayal of Albus Dumbledore in contrast to Richard Harris', the movie proved to every bit of its worth as the scenes unfolded. It had great effects and graphics, good dialogues and good acting. Now if only Dumbledore recovered his composure...

hp4 - the movie

we're watching later at 9.30. I got seats reserved at the podium and although im currently at work i cant help my mind from wandering to the building just across the office. OT is fine if you have something nice to look forward to afterwards. it's a good thing i have 2 things to look forward to: (1)meeting cy,miguel and martian at starbucks and (2) hp4. hehehe

designer in the making

cy once said that it is evident that perhaps designing is my passion. that, i make surprisingly exceptional drawings in AI and make good web designs and lay-outs for one that is unadmittedly not a designer. finally, after months of shadowboxing and denials, i admit that he is right. programming's not that bad and i don't think im bad at it either. but i guess it all boils down to passion. i'm turning in my syntax and APIs for css and image manipulation. i'm only sorry i didn't acknowledge it sooner.

i bought two books today (the zen of css design and adobe photoshop cs2:classroom in a book). and had my dad buy my 2 others (html utopia:designing without tables and dhtml utopia:modern web design using javascript & dom) in his insistance. 2 more are in queue for me to buy (adobe illustrator classroom in a book & i forgot the other one hehehe). below is an image i got off the web of the first book i bought today as a mark of my resolve.

happy anniversary!

one year in the bag. 'nuff said. ILY CUD

rejection was never a good thing for anyone's ego. mine was completely shattered about 2 years ago when the person i loved most rejected me. it was the most excruciating pain i have ever felt grip me. and although i learned that fear and uncertainty takes away many things like time, moments and memories i learned too that it is still man that holds sway of his fate. just as cy did when he took back his rejection.

and yet the most excruciating pain was not excruciating enough for there was a pain more severe than rejection and that is the pain of seeing your most beloved being rejected by your family.

i wish they could see you.
the way that i see you.
because if they did, i know that they would respect and cherish you
the way that i respect and cherish you.

cy, in their behalf i offer you nothing but the sincerest of apologies. although i know that you'll say that i dont have to say anything.

i don't deserve you i know.
but im glad that you love me just the same.

how do you pick up the threads of an old life? how do you go on when in your heart, you begin to understand that there is no going back. there are things that cannot mend. some hurts that go too deep that have taken hold. yet i still wish with all my might in hopes of hastening the time when the gray rain curtain of the world will pull back. i wish with all my might the quickening of the time when everything turns to glass.

until then i can only hold deep my breath. as anyone would before the plunge.

regret is beyond me. and i guess that it is beyond hers as well. for i see in her eyes the distress that took the very heart of me... once when you cast me into the darkness. and for a year i was lost. i wasn't able to recall the feel of your kiss, the sound of our laughter, nor the touch of your hand. i was naked in the darkness. but it seems that i wore my nakedness well because i saw you again. and i knew your face. now i dally in the sun. and it seems my days spent in the shadow are but a whisper of a memory. but all i really did was to trade my nakedness for scars.

no i don't hate. but these scars will never mend. and these scars remind me that the past, though not as vivid in memory, is real. i guess history does belong to the victor.

Hate Ashlee Simpson. She's too ashlee. But I got to say that I got to relate with one of her songs. Hahahah.


Hey, how long till the music drowns you out?
Don't put words up in my mouth,
I didn't steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you face what's going on?
Cause you really got it wrong,
I didn't steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you look at your own life,
Instead of looking into mine,
I didn't steal your boyfriend,
Hey, how long till you're leaving me alone,
Don't you got somewhere to go?
I didn't steal your boyfriend

happy birthday!

To labu that is so you can just quit your agains and what the hecks. ^^

Count On Me - Default

life's a bitch. we could never really fully deny that. a certain someone said to me that when people are happy, they mingle. and there are people that keep to themselves when shit hits the fan. i know exactly what he means. because i have to admit that i am exactly like that. i like to wallow in my distress. it makes me feel. more human. but of course, this is not always a healthy thing. sometimes, it's good to know that there are people who are willing to be there even if they don't have an inkling what exactly you are going through. life hasn't blessed me with a lot of friends. i don't mind. i only have a few people i can really say that are my friends. but i think that they are enough. and i'm thankful i have them.

to labu. who i know would do the same for me.
to good friends: kyle, estre, wa and momo.
to ym conversations:hazel and flip.
to life meditations over a cup of coffee or a road trip headed nowhere:vj,rj and aids
to good songs that i can relate to.
and better lyrics that i couldn't have worded more myself.

I know that life ain't always good to you.
I've seen exactly what it’s put you through
Thrown you around and turned you upside down and so you
You got to thinking there was no way out
You started sinking and it pulled you down
It may be tough you've to get back up

I wonder why nobody's waiting on you
I'd like to be the one to pull you through your darkest times
I'd love to be the light that finds you
I see a silver lining on your cloud
I'll pick you up whenever you fall down
Just take my hand and I will help you stand

Because you know that life ain't over yet
I'm here for you so don't forget
You can count on me
Cause’ I will carry you till you carry on
Anytime you need someone
Somebody strong to lean on
Well you can count on me
To hold you till the healing is done
And every time you fall apart
Well you can hide here in my arms
And you can count on me
To hold you till that feeling is gone

The economic benefits of standardization are tangible. Once we can quantify them, businesses will begin realize the true promise of the Web — interoperable content freely shared.

-Jeffrey Veen, Adaptive Path Director of Product Design

***

he makes sense. in a wierd twisted way he really does. i'm switching to standards.

it wont. unless it will.

this is really a post for all those who waited and those who are still waiting in their distress. knowingly or unknowingly.

on a ym conversation with kyle, i got to think about time and decisions. about how some things never happen despite how badly you want them to. and i surprised myself to an extent over my understanding of the matter. put down categorically, either things happen or they dont. in the event that they do happen they fall into one of three categories: (1)things that happen so fast that you don't know they did unless they're over, (2)things that happen and you're conscious of them happenning (3)things that happen when you least expect them to and my romantic favorite but also the one i dislike most logically and in all practicality (4)things that happen in their own time. this, i know is the one that is certainly worth its while.

we can only extend our influence so much as to try to make them happen. we can only to try to reduce the role of chance in a game that is in itself, chance anyway. we can be the catalyst, the instigator because we want to have a handle to some extent of control but we are never really assured of a reaction. we can only wait. we can only hope. with full knowledge that the chance of waiting and hoping in vain is just as possible as waiting for something certain. i guess at this point our faith and denial swings are understandable. more so if we are to wait for someone who could imagine a different ending and has the capacity to reduce or increase the role of chance as well. either to our gain or to our loss.


rese: some things take time
rese: i kind of understand that
rese: no matter how you want them to happen
rese: and despite the thngs you do to try to make it happen
rese: it wont unless it's will

today turned out better than i expected. i was JIT for work despite the pesky elevator passengers who travelled a difference of two floors. aside from finishing the search, pagination and sorting of my Central Prepaids Admin, i noticed certain benefits upon the completion of the whole project:

1. "Please be informed that Central Prepaids Admin has been uploaded to test and is now available for testing.." Oh yeahhhh. that felt good. a load off my back. really. the best thing about that is, i'm certain it's bug-free! Hahaha zero turn-around time is good.

2. I'm a day ahead of deadline. This means extra buffer for the other projects queued in my pipeline and some decent shut eye.

3. Although central prepaids has not yet been deployed at the live server, I could use it for the creation of my merchant requirements already via test or local. This means less sql scripts for me and less script run requests for MIS. They'll be thankfull I'm staying off their backs more.

4. I notice that I'm getting less and less easy to distract. At least a bit of HS me is resurfacing. I also noticed that I'm getting the knack of "picking up where I left off". It used to take me more than 5 minutes to remember what I was doing prior to the moment of distraction. Now it's almost instantaneous! Ohhh yeah. Good bye memory gap.

Hopefully I'll do as well on my other projects. And hopefully I'll learn to accept that I do have a bit of a good programmer (I'll leave the judgement of high potential to cy's discretion) in me. This whole denial is getting a bit too cliche.

the background

everything's quiet
since you're not around

and i live in the numbness now
in the background...

the plans i make
still have you in them
cause you come
swimming into view
and i'm hanging
on your words
like i always used to do
the words they use
so lightly
i only feel for you
i only know
because i
carry you around
in the background...

-3EB

ym... oh the things we vent about

hubby: talented wify dame designing
hubby: at the same time you seem happy about it
hubby: the moment your eyes glowed nung nakita mo CSS zen garden
hubby: or portfolio ni paul...
hubby: i figured...
hubby: "shit... designing pala gusto ni wify all this time.. should have found out earlier..."
hubby: actually
hubby: to be honest gusto ko rin designing...
hubby: its just that i have really no talent in it...
hubby: i appreciate art
hubby: and it would be a good thing kung mga nakikita ko kaya ko..
hubby: pero honestly im too static...
hubby: im too mathemetical
hubby: to be an artist..
hubby: when i try to do art
hubby: i make static lines..
hubby: when you do art...
hubby: you make flowing curves..
hubby: that's the difference between you and me...

you miss my smile...


i'm sorry if i took away yours.

never..

have i felt such a crippling sense of loss
as i did when i woke up today

ever
shall i wait in my distress
for only you

this day sucks..

hardest ever...
nuff said.

the corpse bride

yesterday i got my 2nd premiere ticket to the showing of the corpse bride. my being a tim burton fan was justified yet again by the said movie. the characters were undeniably constructed with a genius play at shapes and the composed scores set the tone of the movie's parts well. the trailer promised a great play at words and i was not disappointed as cy and i laughed our heads off at the script writer's cadence.

i spent my time converting our movie tickets to this image here below (yes, it was previously our tickets..). scanning it was the easy part. using adobe photoshop cs to manipulate it was tedious but worth it. hehehe. see the movie for good measure.

happy birthday!

in gradual increments of years, i have turned 22. last year in celebration of my birthday, my cousins and i went scuba diving. last sunday however, it was as cy put it "all about me" (which is synonymous to all about cy or all about cy and i because what we have is a wonderful and at times almost comical mathematical transitivity. so we did whatever i wanted to do (which was anything and nothing) after estre and leng dropped off a delicious box of chocolate goodies from cheesecake etc at my apartment. i was craving for some heaven... and eggs so off we went to the month old branch of heaven n' eggs at glorietta.i had my usual bagel benedict and cy had his phad singapura. after that, i bought myself a fossil classic leather strap watch and cy bought me
a kamiseta jacket (which i am wearing as im composing this post). due to cy's request of having our picture taken (which has been put off for the longest time since i'm a bit camera shy), we had our first picture taken as a couple after being an item a month shy of a year! hahaha talk about procrastination. anyway, we watched cinderella man afterwards (which is, as expected of russell crowe movies very exceptional in its storyline, balance of emotional play and cinematography). we went home saturated with a bit of euphoria and like most days we spend together talked about anything and nothing and everything in between.

the fusion of the day's simplicity and the aberrant greetings and surpices that freckled it are i guess what made it a memorable birthday for me. not to mention this other gift that cy gave me.

happy birthday to me!

*this post is 3 days late. kekeke. talk yet again of procrastination

the perfect man - 1

the perfect man must exist there somewhere. he has to. or at least a great number of the sample female population think that he does. that accounts for at least three heartbreaks in the search for "the one" until finally settling for someone else. but should they settle? or perhaps, maybe the question should be, should we even bother looking for "the one"?

i've already gone through 2 serious heartbreaks.. does that mean that if shit hit the fan and my current relationship falls apart, i am bound to settle for something less?

i am without a doubt a critic and a cynic. but as with most things, there is always an exception. in my case, i am not my usual jaded self when it comes to love. and in reflection, it is most ironic that someone like me believes in the birth of two souls in one. indeed, most ironic that someone like me believes in a perfect love and subsist in a perfect imperfection of an existence.

being web crawler that i am, i stumbled across http://www2.discoveryhealth.co.uk/perfectman/index.shtml?fromemail=yes&back=3,4,4,2 which said that i could create my perfect man! a whole load of bull. but it did strike my curiousity so i proceeded albeit doubtful that i would indeed give birth to my perfect someone.

Your perfect man is resourceful and self-sufficient. With his friends and family he is strong

and passionate. In situations of conflict he is very persuasive and can always talk people round
to his point of view. He is adventurous and highly physical.

Career wis your Perfect Man measures his success by happiness and quality of life. Though
not really intellectual he's streetwise and not short of common sense. He may work in
finance or a scientific field such as medicine.

Your Perfect Man is in touch with his emotions and women are drawn to his idealism and
commitment to his beliefs. As far as communication is concerned your Perfect Man is not one for
histrionics or melodrama! He likes to identify a problem and solve it with minimum fuss.
He may not marry until well into his 30s but when he does will marry for life. He is
usually a sensual and extravagant lover.

whoooOK.... not exactly the type i was expecting but hey, he's guaranteed to be perfect. ASA! Give him to the dumps and see my next post for my real perfect man.

the ghost of you

The Ghost of You
-My Chemical Romance

I never said I'd lie and wait forever
If I died we'd be together
I can't always just forget her
But she could try

Ever...
Get the feeling that you're never
All alone and I remember now
At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies
She dies

If I fall…
If I fall…
(Down)

At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Never coming home
Never coming home
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I?
Should I?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are never gonna...

lilium

my better half surprised me with a bouquet of lilium today. and there wasn't even a special occassion! ah. you always knew what makes me smile.. they're my favorite and they are i believe, the fifth you gave me ever since we got together.

a month to go and it's going to be a wonderful year...

hah! and a certain someone said it wouldn't last. i guess. you are wrong like you are wrong about most things about him, about me, about us being together.

anyway.. i will wake up to the smell of paradise in the morning. when the liliums bloom.

anathema

it is beyond reason, i suppose, emotions that stir as if they had a consciousness of their own. and if there is none left more tangible to blame, i can always point my finger at god. time is lacking in my quest to cleanse myself of stains i deliriously wish i had no longer. i can write and put my frustration into many a four letter word and yet i still my tongue. i hush my whole being almost as if i wish for a moment to sink into sweet oblivion. but the strap of my tether can loosen no more and i am held between reality and an arm's reach beyond nepenthe. to sink deeper or surface, i wish to do neither. i want to make a home for my self in the obscure middle of things. a certain strange comfort. a perfect stranger that is a stranger no more.

somewhere in the middle. you know where to find me.

i miss you

eight am and the alarm of my phone starts up again.
twenty floors down
a fifteen minute walk
thirty eight floors back up
all that in a thousand, a hundred and twelve steps
that's how far i am from you.

there's the phone.
there's the internet.
but no real you.
you're still asleep, i know, while i carry on with my day.
by the time you wake to start your day,
i'd be half done with mine.

five o clock and i can go home now
thirty eight floors down
a fifteen minute walk
twenty four floors up
all that still in a thousand, a hundred and twelve steps
as i close the distance between me and you

there's a bath
there's dinner
and there's the real you
you're awake now, i know, as my day draws to a close
by the time you'll fall asleep
i'll be a few hours away from waking.

i just miss you that's all.

wedding crashers

true love, as succinctly put in the movie, wedding crashers, is finding your soul's counterpart in another person. dare i say i know exactly what john (owen wilson) is talking about as cliche' sounding as it may be. if 'true love' as widely known to most and personally preferred by me to be known as utopia or better yet, as brandon boyd coins it 'three-fold utopian dream', is generally considered to be a dream, then consider me to be luckily living in one.

i have to admit to myself, even though surprisingly so, that i was taken aback by the movie in the sense that i was expecting another mindless chick flick and saw instead, a movie that has depth (if you know how to scratch the surface) if not a movie that i could relate to in many accounts at the least. heck, if a movie inspired me to blog despite dropping eyelids then enough should be said. anyway, the following is a rundown of the accounts presented in the movie with which i testify i can relate to:

1. friendship - "a friend in need is a pest" may hold true at times but not only recently did i found out (and i'm glad that i did even though i was a johnny come lately on this one) that a friend is a friend. and losing a real friend is, i think one of the most tragic things that can happen to people.
2. decisions - knowing what you want is one of the best consolations perhaps that we have in life given that (as Schopenhauer put it) "man can do as he will, but not will as he will". yes, we live in a world that holds truths and virtual truths. and to the virtual truth of freedom, i will will over that which i can will.
3. everyone else's 'true love' and my three-fold utopian dream - the worlds greatest cliche' and will eternally be for as long men (and women but more so on the women) know to hope.

yes, some of the things that we do in life may seem to some (especially those that are merely outside looking in. the kind that talk as if they had the definite say on the matter. the kind that talk as if theirs is the only perspective possible) as irresponsible, juvenile and pathetic. but if the things that we did by some whim of fate led us to things that are important then who's to say that we are sincerely regretful if not regretful in most aspects? if the things that i do now even if deemed by convention as taboo led to my greater happiness, led to me finding my soul's counterpart in another person then who's to say that i am completely an exile to decorum? ostracism due to violation of a socially conceived anathema is but a small price to pay in exchange for one's three-fold utopian dream.

if i let cowardice, indecision and gentility get the best of me in things that matter, then i'd be more nothing but the same thing as before and less of someone who has found what many only dream about.

i thank the decisive look with which i saw you for the first time and recognized instantly and without a doubt, my soul's counterpart in yours.

if this is sight i'd rather be blind

I find it strange to write in metaphors of my own making. And yet, that is all that I’ve ever done without realization until I looked at my posts today and saw the façade of my own words. But to the unwary I find that I must guise it lest jealousy spurns malice to conspire and stain my thoughts. We are all obligated to hold on to our portions of the truth and that obligation stretches to the point of its safekeeping. No matter how small, how minute, it is nonetheless, a part of a grander design. So indulge my wariness to reduce the role of malice further still through encrypting my thoughts with metaphors. There are those that are to be read I agree. There are also those that are to be deciphered. And still, there are those that are not meant to be put into words.

Although I can articulate my thoughts clearly enough, how exactly do I articulate something that is beyond my, or beyond man’s for that matter, design? How do I call something that has no name with which to uniquely identify it? I can use words, yes. Words that humanity’s collective intellect instructs me is similar but I know that that word is lacking still in its entirety. I can but paint a verbal impression of a truth that is known without words, a “perhaps but not quite”, a caricature that is in its absolute insufficient to give word to that which is known without words. Man can after all, only stare at the sun.

And if I can mask what it is exactly that I want to say, it goes without saying that you can do so as well. As clever or as poor, it does not matter. A mask is still a mask. But in all your pondering, in all your musings, never will you come to know what I speak of in any other light than what you will yourself to know or not know. Tainted love or not, these eyes are not your eyes. No. They will never be the color that your arid eyes are. If your eyes decide to see a love tainted, I refuse to kneel before such a sight. If that your truth, as you see it, as you know it and as you love it then I’d embrace my 'lies' instead. Pardon me, if I think of myself as an accomplished exile.

i'm learning to love to hate it...

everything's a love hate relationship...

what is after all everything in its entirety if not a giant double-sided coin?

finally...

finally...
i have regained typing decency after turning in the usual qwerty keyboard scheme for dvorak. i can now continue putting my thoughts into words as i string them to completion letter by letter on a new keyboard scheme thanks to a new found agility of my fingers.
so...
what do i write about? do i write about the ball game a couple of friends, hubby and i watched yesterday as we incessantly cut up miguel who was the only atenean in the group piece by piece amidst hecklers with their verbal violence and die-hards with mounting animo vied for their teams?
or...
should i write about the kitchie nadal/cynthia alexander gig my cousins, hubby and i watched during June 24 at Hard Rock Cafe and try to elaborate on the artists' musical stylings that captivated everyone as hubby and i held hands under the table.
maybe...
i can try to give descriptive justice to the lillium that hubby gave me during our 8th month as a couple last june 30.
perhaps...
i'll write about my new job instead. stark differences are hard not to notice and in my case, hard not to appreciate as i now can leave the office as early as 5pm (as opposed to the daily average of 10pm at hmmmmm, alright no names. i have flamed them too many times already).
but...
it's a pity that i can no longer recall the many topics i have lingered on during my flight to bacolod. i know that i made sense about something but memory is an uncooperative ally most of the time.
finally...
i replace my haphazard thoughts back to the mind that hosts them and decide to write about nothing instead.

Kombucha

The kombucha mushroom people,
Sitting around all day,
Who can believe you,
Who can believe you,
Let your mother pray, (sugar)
Well I'm not there all the time you know
Some people, some people, some people,
Call it insane, yeah they call it insane, (sugar)
I play Russian roulette everyday, a man's sport,
With a bullet called life, yeah called life,(sugar)
You know that every time I try to go
Where I really want to be,
It's already where I am,
Cause I'm already there.(sugar)
The kombucha mushroom people,
Sitting around all day,
Who can believe you,
Who can believe you,
Let your mother pray, (sugar)
I got a gun the other day from Sako,
It's cute, small, fits right in my pocket,
Yeah, right in my pocket, (sugar)
My girl, you know, she lashes out at me sometimes,
And I just kick her, and then she's O.K. ,she's O.K.(sugar)
People are always chasing me down,
Trying to push my face to the ground,
Where all they really want to do,
Is suck out my mother f**king brains, my brains (sugar).
The kombucha mushroom people,
Sitting around all day,
Who can believe you,
Who can believe you,
Let your mother pray
I sit, in my desolate room, no lights, no music,
Just anger,
I've killed everyone,
I'm away forever, but I'm feeling better,
How do I feel,
What do I say,
F**k you, it all goes away,
How do I feel,
What do I say,
F**k you, it all goes away,
How do I feel,
What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
How do I feel,
What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
How do I feel,
What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
How do I feel,
What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
How do I feel,
What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
How do I feel,
What do I say,
In the end it all goes away,
In the end it all goes away,
In the end it all goes away,
In the end it all goes away,
In the end it all goes away.

helena - my chemical romance

can't this song out of my head.. fell in love with it on my first listen.

this is for you gaia. misu!

Long ago
Just like the hearse, you die to get in again
We are so far from you

Burning on, just like a match you strike te incinerate
The lives of everyone you know
And what’s the worst you take (worst you take)
From every heart you break (heart you break)
And like a blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What’s the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Came a time
When every star falls
Brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what’s the worst you take (worst you take)
From every heart you break (heart you break)
And like a blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Can you hear me
Are you near me
Can we pretend to leave and then
We’ll meet again, when both our cars collide

the void

i woke up.
and i was alone again....
no more pain.
i could be myself again.

thank you god!

but not quite no.
i'll miss you.

even if
i know that i'll meet you again.
even if
i know that i'll house you under my skin again.
even if
i could call you by some other name.

i'll miss you...
gaia.
he'll miss you too....
lucien.
we'll miss you...
renji.

but for now, we're alright.
for now, we're fine.
for now, let's stay as we are.
for now, let's be strangers...

gaia

i knew your name even before we will meet. long before i will ever see your face or hear your voice...

the music that you like or the color you fancy, the things that make you cry and laugh, these things i will never know about you...

what do you want to be, who do you want to be. your quirks and your own indecisions. i can only think of the things you'd say to me.. only think of the way you'd wear your hair. will you tell me your dreams and whisper to me the secrets of your soul? would you love the night as much as i do?

you don't know how much i want to know you. how my heart falters of knowing that circumstance drives me to do the unthinkable. i am not a coward. but i owe it to you and to the people dear to me to hold off our meeting to a more favorable date even if my heart yearns to see you. so that they can love you as much as i love you....

i wish i could shelter you forever. deep under my skin.

mother's day

this may be a bit over due. but i don't want mother's day to be just another memory. here's what my hubby got in his inbox from mai/lola a few days after mother's day:

had a happy mother's day, thanks to everyone who texted/greeted me:
vey, fer, xen, barbie, nap, leni, lola mommy, christie, noemi, therese (twice), cousins liza and azon, friends nel and au. to those who attended mother's day dinner with me: den, bob, noemi & mogen, fer &amp; don, xen & barbie, avi, uc & therese. to those who sent or gave gifts: vey (P1000 for cake & ice-cream), bryn (lovely pink dangling earrings, yellow polo sport shirt, lee black pants), fer (lovely set of bracelet & earrings, xen (big mass of lovely flowers, tamang-tama
sa flower vase na nakuha ni den sa 50th reunion nila ng pampanga trade school), uc (P1000 cash) and therese (red ribbon sans rival).

barbie drew "happy mother's day" on our carport for mum with her jumbo
colored chalk.

and thanks to my better half, den, for financing the mother's day dinner at max's elliptical circle.
it was, indeed, my day. i lazed around and, SURPRISE OF SURPRISES, won first place in hearts, except for the last hand, during which time den had arrived from marketing, distracting me. but before that, i got "shooting the moon" (the entire hearts suit from 2 of hearts to ace of hearts, plus the queen of spades) on my first hand. today, i can't even get into third place. apparently, the God of Gamblers Himself gave me a mother's day gift. :D
---
this year's mother's day was the first i ever spent with someone else's mother. and to my surprise, it was a lot of fun. however, i could never give away the place of my mama in my heart. i could always make a room for someone's mai (which would be special as well), yes, but to give away or replace, never. my mom would be the only one who would have this chamber in my heart. i'm blogging this down because today, after too long a time of not seeing her, i got to hug her again and talk nonesense with her. it's surprising to miss someone so bad without even realizing it until you see that someone again.

mama, happy mother's day. :)

breaking away

people are blessed with a myriad of emotions to match every possible event. and i guess, we can only be as intuitive as to be sensitive about the things they tell us (this is under the assumption that there is absence of any external influence). listen to the wisdom of your body. or more appropriately in this case, to the wisdom of your emotions. i am not saying that we should be a slave to our emotions... there is a world of difference after all, between being a slave to one's emotions and being a willing slave to it. sense after all, is not as easily susceptible to corruption as sensibility. there are lies that you can make yourself believe in, i agree. but only after you've told them to yourself over and over and over again and only to a certain extent. that transition of disbelief to belief may come or it may never come at all. our emotions offer us no real guarantee except the truth.

although emotions we cannot live without, we can only do as much as to wish we could do without some - loneliness, anguish, brokenness. but life always did drive a hard bargain - it either offers you the full length of the ride or refuses you the ride at all. no maybes and devoid of any gray area. we bask in our glories as it be but human nature, but we must also respect those that have fallen. and although demystification is not anyone's cup of tea by preference, i think life never meant for us to have more than but a healthy dose of it. healthy - enough just to learn and not be crippled. yes, there are things that enfeeble us. but never make the mistake that you are the only victim. because you are not so special to be the only one. the world does not and will not stop for our grief.

hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
i should know. i was once the unchosen (if you're in doubt, read my post sweetest goodbye). and i can tell you it was no holiday. i was maimed for 6 dragging months and until now, i still haven't figured out what it was exactly that gave me the strength to rise above the flames of my demise. i guess i should consider myself lucky. not only was i able to get my life back to motion, i got it back in full when (yes, with the birds and the bees) when i realized that i had not loved in vain. i am thankful because not all people have what i have. and even if it came knowing that it left someone else in pain, i harbor no shame. but make no mistake in thinking that i am proud of what transpired. it was something that just had to be. and if you delegate to yourself the role of the necessary casualty then so be it. but don't think so highly of yourself and think that we spare any more thoughts on you because we don't.. the day is only as good as long as the sun hasn't set. the moment night creeps in, it will be but a memory..

it seems i have kept my silence far too long for the wind has been stained with echoes loosed by bitterness. i hope that the next time my voice reaches you, it will be of such clarity that you will understand. do not test my patience. don't ever make the mistake to think that you are the only one that knows how to rage LEAH..

believe that the only consolation that we have in this life is to have as much happiness wherever and whenever we could find it (no trace of hedonism here mind you). and if in our quest for utopia, we wounded you, both of us give you no less than the sincerest of our apologies. but make no mistake that we are in this relationship for any reason of lesser quality than love. don't be so hasty as to make assumptions about me and my reasons because you don't know me and won't ever know me. if in your bitterness, you refuse to accept this, know that you are only making it harder for yourself. i apologize if what i say may burn, but the words you loosen make me think twice of the integrity of your promise. this will be the last time that i will consider you as a person of dignity. one more bitter post from you and you shall be no more.

meet the parents. :)

i miss how our family and relatives get together to have luncheon or dinner. during the course of high school, my life was sprinkled with a lot of those. ever since i got to manila however, fine dining was reduced to the usual fast food or an occassional dinner at a resto. it's not that dining out with friends isn't enough, it's just that dinning with family and relatives is something else.. something more intimate (the way i see it anyway).

well a few hours ago, i just got back from a dinner thrown for Anchem at CPK who just turned a year older. and that is perhaps the reason why i am compelled to post this entry. the dinner felt so much like the ones i usually have with my family and relatives that i couldn't help myself from being nostalgic. and yet i knew that this dinner was a first all on its own. IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I MET MY HUBBY'S FAMILY. and although i have met the families of my previous loved ones, there is no doubting the uniqueness of this first meeting (no offense to anyone.. i'm just speaking the truth here the way i experienced it). i fell in love with the family instantly. i fell in love with baby Mogen (who in the brink of a crying fit still found it in himself to pose for a picture), with his mom Noemi (who was the first one who spoke to me), with Avi (who complemented my France jacket and had the same get up as I did), Mai (who made me feel at ease with her smiles), Dad (who gave me very good conversation over dinner), Barbie (happy birthday Anchem! XD), Xena (Anchem's mom) and george (which i heard had the angelina jolie lips), Fern and Don (who gave us a ride after)... I fell in love with everyone. E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E. and i fell even more in love with the man who sat beside me through it all.

thank you hubby! i hope i made you proud. :)

mother's day again right?

20:39:24/05.02.2005

some time in february, i was struck with a terrible illness with which i am still recuperating from. it came in the guise of a fever but i was hospitalized for a week and had to bedrest for a week more. and all my life i considered myself healthy. really healthy. i was involved in a lot of sports and cross training and never fell ill. i guess life has a way of proving you wrong. no matter, because due to my illness, i gained something more important. following is a thread of text messages sent to me by cy (have i ever told you that it sounds a lot like sigh?). anyway, i've decided to log it as a post since i am in fear of my phone being snatched or erasing important messages by mistake. i wouldn't want to lose anything memorable, even if it includes me in the hospital with needles piercing my skin.

...
haaay... sori tawag ako. can't help it. sobrang dysfunctional labu without your presence.. what am i to do without my wify..
...
for the longest time i have not felt this much sadness.. as i stare on one of your pics which i have set as my wallpaper i realize that i have taken for granted the happiness that you have brought me. all the simple things that we have done together bring me the utmost joy and sorrow at the same time, for remembering those moments remind me of my missing limb. i am but an empty vessel without you. this once warn and happy home has become gloomy in a matter of minutes. i hope i will i will not be dehydrated. for i have emptied bottles and bottles of tears. the thought of your illness and constant suffering will never leave me at ease. i know now more than ever that this person that you call your love will easily give anything and everything, for you to be well again.. it was once ridiculous for me to think that people are completed by their loved ones. now i can say with certainty that that statement is valid. i love you so much and i will die over and over again for you..
...
just finished taking a bath and putting some oil.. this is the first time i put oil on my body.. not for my skin, but to envelope myself i your scent. ily.
...
im glad that i'm feeling the way im feeling towards you. i know my love will not be put to waste.. i feel promiscuity to be beyond me.
...
me too. im so glad i left L*** for you. im so glad i got accepted in canon. im so glad i knew enough about war3 to talk to you. as i said, at this point i feel like my life's a series of fortunate events.. knowing now that you were at the finish line puts me into this blissful place i could only describe as heaven.
...
wify, will you marry me? in maybe 2 years? i love you. hope it's alright with your family.
[i said yes to this one... so my profile at friendster is now valid... yes, i am married (ok engaged for now.. XD) ]
...
i will buy an engagement ring when i have the money. i love you. this statement will remain and not be limited to our lifetime but will perpetuate itself eternally. so long as men can breathe or eyes can see.
...
i exist for you alone... im really glad i had the courage to leave my old life for you.
...
i love you.. no. I LOVE YOU. love here is not just the ordinay word "love".. it's something that only the both of us can feel and understand.. it's something so special that i wouldn't dare associate it with the previous people in my life. you are the only one who will receive this love.

sleeping with butterflies...

Sleeps With Butterflies
-tori amos

airplanes
take you away again
are you flying above where we live
then i look up, a glare in my eyes
are you having regrets about last night
i'm not, but i like rivers that
rush in
so then i dove in
is there trouble ahead for you, the acrobat
i won't push you, unless you have a net

balloons look good from on the ground
i fear with pins and needles around
we may fall then stumble upon a carousel
it could take us anywhere

you say the word you know i will find you
or if you need some time i don't mind
i don't hold onto the tail of your kite
i'm not like the girls that you've known
but i believe i'm worth coming home to
kiss away night
this girl only sleeps with butterflies
with butterflies
with butterflies
so go on and fly boy

--
so here's what i'm thinking right now:

i honestly thought i was one
but then six months ago
a butterfly i thought forever lost
came home and never left
and now, with pins and needles
i shake myself awake
pump blood into my wings
break the bonds that hold them
break them one by one
so i can take flight
despite my fear of heights
because you said you won't
let me fall ever again
the way you did
over a year ago.

***
that about sums it all up..
having without really owning is something that we dare only to do when we really love someone. and it's difficult because man by his intrinsic nature is driven to be secure. i guess i should consider myself lucky. no. perhaps blessed is the word that better describes how i see the "us" that came to be against all odds. how an us bloomed despite the obvious difficulty. but a flower that blooms in adversity after all, is incomparable to any other.

and if someone stains what we have, let that person know that i know exactly what it is to be the "unchosen"... i know how hard it is to move on. spare me a raised eyebrow in the event that you think that sarcasm is just beneath my words because i was in a worse if not same position two years ago. and i believe that grief is necessary for such a loss. so grieve if you must, shed tears if you must, rage if you must. do what you think it takes for you to be well again. but never think that the world stops for anybody's affliction. so don't be in anguish for too long lest you miss what is is to be alive.

know that we respect what it is you are going through. he is not proud of what he did and neither of us denies the role you had to play in both of our lives. but don't let it consume you. never mar what we have because it was denied from you. and don't let loose words to hurt just because you were. know that although we respect how you must feel right now, i am holding you bound to what you told me when we exchanged text messages. or is your word doubtful? so give us the same respect we give you. let us be and speak no more. because when it you really think about it, what you say falls on deaf ears. i have done enough time for the both of us. we are even. you and i.

pretend you're not reading this.... i've probably had way too much tube or something

there are just things i can't put my finger on with finality because knowing myself, i know that my indecisiveness is something i am saddled with for the rest of my existence, whether it was
with or without my consent.

my indecisions -

coffee or tea?
i love coffee. but tea's ok too. hmmm.i know, it's coffe-- no!!!! it's tea! oh, wait! it's hmmmmm.

violet or white?
i love violet but i keep on wearing white. oh my... the dilemmas i find myself in.

comfy slip-ons/sandals or sneakers?
both are laid back. both don't give much of a damn. ohhhh they are sooooo me. but which one hmmm?

real actors or cartoons?
i love cartoons. but i hate disney. see what i'm talking about?

short or long hair?
short's manageable. but hey, isn't long more manageable? on bad hair days i can just tie it back with a rubber band or something. arrrrgggghhhh.

good or the bad boy?
the bad boy. definitely the bad boy... but now that i know you, i know you're not bad. hell you're not even close to it. but i love you.

a breath of a whisper

here it is, i say to no one in particular..

Much to my chagrin I have been very passively compelled to join the online community with a new sense of vigor and responsibility. I really havent decided on a style for this journal yet. Part of me wishes it to be a podium for some of my more ethereal ideas. Still, another part of me calls, almost demanding, that it be a more personal form of expression. A diary (ugh) perhaps, one with a potential audience of millions, but a practical audeince of only those few friends to which I reaveal it.

These things seem more like a catharthus than anything. It would be like publishing your autobiography in the library of congress a single page at a time. You have the joy of knowing that your life is there, recorded and on public view, but you have the comfort of knowing that it is concealed by the sum of human knowledge. Each of us, to some degree, wants to reveal our nature to the world and admit even our darkest sins. The detention though is more in what is said than who is listening. Seems like a particularly subjectivist point of view there.
God help me if I wander too far down that road..

playing hookie

there's got to be more than this

today i woke up the usual hour i usually do when i have work ahead of me. the hated 9 am. i lay in bed. kept my eyes closed and my mind open. surely, surely there is more to this life than what i have now. i know there is. so today, i decided to find out for myself.

i played hookie. (bad rese! bad!!!) should have gotten some ice cream to come along with it but hey, i don't do cliches. i reached for my mobile on top of the aircon (where i usually put it when im at home) and tried to turn the wheels in my head. i had to come up with a good one. subtle and nothing too bogus. just believable. luckily i was having a sorry case of running nose two days back. (you wouldn't know the embarrassment i felt sneezing once in a while and feeling stares and raised eyebrows at a cluttered work station made even more messy by the tissue paper motif). so i keyed in fever, cough and a running nose. my TL replied a get well soon (oh, was that guilt i felt? hmmm. naaahhhh.). great. the first thing im going to do is go back to sleep. (i couldn't get enough fo those these days.)

3 hrs ran after my sleep was disturbed by a rather disturbed tummy. ok. lunch time i guess. i went down to get some rice. the canned goods i keep in stock would do just fine for now. after forcing all the contents of the plate down my throat and drowning the taste with a glass of sprite i turned on my pc and voila! i found myself typing away in my blog (after turning on my IMs first of course).

so this is it is it?

so this is what i skipped work for and lost about 1k in my salary for. a day alone in my room with my the pc and the phone as the only means to communicate with the outside world (unless i stepped out of course). am i enjoying my self? well certainly more than if i went to work that's for sure.

a bit later after keying in a few paragraphs, my boss (errr... my other boss that is) goes OL. for my azues colleagues who read this, let's keep this to ourselves shall we? anyway, my boss has something for me to munch on. a mapping of sorts he needs for the meeting/presentation he has for his client at some later hour of the day. i take the job (dare i refuse $5 an hour? besides, it's mana after losing some pesos due to a supposed sick leave...) and ponder on a scheme for jan (that's my boss) to utilize for his presentation. something to simplify and save and overly complex wire frame. i decide to let jan paint by numbers and start working with the number ranges for the tables i'm saddled with. he gives me tables, i give him numbered items on the wire frame he can trace table items to. he gives me updated tables with bug fixes, i give him updated builds of the wire frames. we spar emails for a time. and i strain a nerve every time he wrecks my mapping (OC runs in the family... alright runs in me only then) but no matter. he does pay me so i can keep my opinions about his perfect clairvoyance to myself and my imaginary friend Puripuri.

sometime during one of our crossfires, i decide to get away yet again. and so i flag in a 2hr dinner (who eats dinner for 2hrs anyway?) and unbelievably, i was given the go to go so i went with my hubby to eat and watch a movie.

after laughing our heads of at Rock's performance at Be Cool, we grab a mocha frap(heavenly frap... that first sip is just sublime...) before heading back to my place. it's surprising how i can get a natural high from a good movie, a good converstation and especially good company (hubby here's to you... muah!).

now you might think that there isn't anything extraordinary about what transpired with my day. no surprises. no bump-ins with a long lost friend (most of the friends i have stay lost and i like them that way until life's malice entwines our paths in some happenstance meeting.. and i like it that way). in fact, what happened with my date may be the de facto date. and i guess we could all agree nothing much happened between the time i opened my eyes until now (a little digression if you please, i started the draft at after i ate lunch, worked on it some more before i went out with my hubby and now [2.37 on my clock] before i go off to sleep and face the wrath of aZEUS tomorrow). i may think that too. i may look for the fireworks, and want to feel my heart race faster and feel the weightlessness (and i honestly think that everybody does in a relationship just as everybody tries to make sense out of life. and i do i really do. and i will never stop looking for it). but the thing is, i realized with the monotony of today that the magic doesn't lie with bended knees and a proposal. nor does life's sense lie in moments that happen not so very often. life's sense lies in the ordinary everyday i live in that is made up of ordinary things, ordinary minutes, ordinary glances, ordinary conversations, and just about ordinary everythings. yet i realize, no, i know that every ordinary thing, minute, glance and conversation is just a bit different from the last one and will probably be minutely different from the next one. it's the same everyday i have but not quite no...

this is the same wednesday i've woken up to since i knew the names of the days of the week. the same wednesday i play cops and robbers with in elementary. the same wednesday i had started my menstral cycle. the same wednesday i graduated from highschool with pins clinging to my dress... the same wednesday i really fell in love with for the first time. the same wednesday three years later i parted ways with someone i really cared about but no longer loved. the same wednesday i fell in love again. and the wednesday after that. and the next. the same wednesday i woke up to just a few hours ago and decided to have to myself. the same wednesday that will inevitably turn into a thursday. but not quite no. this is just a fraction different from the others.

and i like my life ordinary. if ordinary means feeling like this everytime.

ps. because of a natural given to me by my hubby and a shared mocha frap over very very good conversation, i'll skip proofreading this post. hell, i'll even skip the spell check just to show you how good of a mood i am. ilycud....

mnemosyne

i don't know if this is where i want to be anymore. i'm not one to complain but somehow, this isn't quite what i imagined things to be. sure. life is uncertain, and the things we ask or work hard for don't really turn out to what we thought they would be in the end. but isn't it a bit unfair to want and need something so badly and realize somewhere in the middle of it all, that what we have is really nothing compared to what we hope for? if only the degree to which we need and want is proportional to the veracity of what we attain sooner or later, then i guess i would find some comfort and satisfaction.

everything is susceptible to doubt. then again, everything is susceptible to anything. ideals can be corrupted. minds can be influenced. words can be twisted. a friend can easily turn into a foe. and serenity it seems can quickly (and decisively mind you..) turn into melancholy. change. the only thing that is certain in a world of uncertainty. always a transition. always moving. never in a standstill. an eternal alacrity of nanoseconds whose transitions fuel human emotion in a vicious cycle. love to denial. denial which shifts to despair. despair into a consuming hatred. hate which transmutes into numbness. insentience which gives way to forgetfulness over time. and all it takes is but a single, obtrusive memory.. a familiar sound, a lingering smell, to fall in love all over again. to the very object which caused you to deny, despair, hate, debilitate and finally forget. to love once again the same object with the same ferocious intensity. every time as if it were the first time.

life's prejudice lies in its preference to recollection even when the matter calls for abstraction.

anti-gravity

i miss daylight. for someone who is eternally consumed with night's passion, that says a lot.. i miss the warmth of it on my skin. i miss the shadow the sun gives me for company.. for the longest time i haven't had the luxury or the freedom to meander on footpaths and walkways that hold so much promise of serenity. stolen.. my capacity to dream awake in daylight. stolen..yes, but not lost.
as i contemplate all this, i smirk at my own foolishness. it's a pity i didn't realize it sooner. the thing i miss most about daylight, the thing that i revel most ardently in is not daylight per se' but her death. the futility of her struggle as the cloak of night drowns her.. how she taints the sky crimson as the stars pierce to reveal the monotony of her hue.. one false gradient after the other.. how she falls on her knees on the horizon in her reluctance to give way to the moon..
do you know why no one could ever be jealous of the sun's triumphs? it's not because sol can act just as serene without them... it's because her grandness, her benevolence is but a facade. a curtain dropped down to shield a staggering fear of vertigo. a beautiful curtain dropped down to mask a void that is her reality. she is but an occurence of multitudes thought special because circumstance placed her to temporarily warm a cold, orbiting rock... it is inevitable.. she will burn out. because all she really is.. is nothing but a black hole.

you've got it wrong... stars do not get tired of shining.. what they really grow tired of, is living a lie.

rage of angels...

"hell hath no fury like that of a woman scorned... "

i agree. and to a degree, i know perfectly well what it feels like.. to speak and not be heard. to be looked upon but not seen. to be stripped and scrutinized in your nakedness, found to be lacking. nothing hurts more than being helpless in things that consume you. nothing maims the soul than knowing that there are things that move that are beyond you. that impossible is THE (if not the only) possibility of man.

i can not articulate what exactly it is i feel now that i see you struggle.. it is not triumph for i can never play the victor to the hurt of another.. it is not sympathy for you and i are too much of a stranger to the other. there is nothing between us. nothing between us. not anymore.

i wrote this piece a long time ago. when my pen would often stain the parchment with blood. but now that things ARE, i have to start letting go of things that have come to pass. my fist will clench no more. but they will never forget the blows that have landed. in this great future, i refuse to forget my past...part of where i want to be is knowing where i've been :

i guess this makes us even. the world dangles on the eloquence of a silence that is beyond even speech's descriptive capacity for words and utterances. if you need me, me and neil will be hanging out with the dream king. no part of me that denies your absence will endure. not on the faulty reason that me and john doe like the same ice cream. All the world is. All that I AM. The black of the blackest ocean. And that TEAR in your hand. Haze all clouded up my mind in the daze of the way IT COULD HAVE NEVER BEEN so you say and I say... Do you know YOU'RE FULL OF WISH and your baby, baby, babies? So, with all the phantoms and corpses you left encased in the tomb of my mind, I will catch a ride with the waxing and waning of the moon. It seems that I know you well. Well BETTER THAN I USED TO that is. How the world conveniently shrinks to a simple matter of LIGHT AND SHADE in reduced circumstances! I think there are PIECES OF ME you've never seen, perhaps ALL SHE IS, is nothing but a piece me YOU'VE NEVER SEEN WELL. [an abomination and selective mutiny to a beautifully composed song, redefined to better give word to my deafening silence due to an 11-month grudge. hail to a certain T.A. for putting into song, what I could have not sung better myself...]