pep's dad died saturday from a heart attack at age 41 and i only knew about it now.

i had planned to post about something less morbid but however i try to skirt the topic of death, its centrifugal force keeps me locked. death is a certain eventuality in life. and we die a little every day that we live. of course, one can see that people continue to function even if they are dead if not at least in a state of somnambulism.

two years ago, i had planned to die at the age of 50. i had planned a peaceful death most meticulously: an overdose of benzodiazepine to hand me to the sandman before he hands me to the ripper. the lovely idea of having a bag over the head (not as a form of strangulation but as a way of maintaining as little oxygen as possible) i borrowed from sean's cadaver from nip/tuck, to make me see colors as my supply of oxygen depletes gradually. how beautiful, my death would have been 28 years from now had not cy come to intervene.

how random. human life....
my deepest condolences peps.