helena - my chemical romance

can't this song out of my head.. fell in love with it on my first listen.

this is for you gaia. misu!

Long ago
Just like the hearse, you die to get in again
We are so far from you

Burning on, just like a match you strike te incinerate
The lives of everyone you know
And what’s the worst you take (worst you take)
From every heart you break (heart you break)
And like a blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

What’s the worst that I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Came a time
When every star falls
Brought you to tears again
We are the very hurt you sold
And what’s the worst you take (worst you take)
From every heart you break (heart you break)
And like a blade you stain (blade you stain)
Well, I've been holding on tonight

Well, if you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long not goodnight

Can you hear me
Are you near me
Can we pretend to leave and then
We’ll meet again, when both our cars collide

the void

i woke up.
and i was alone again....
no more pain.
i could be myself again.

thank you god!

but not quite no.
i'll miss you.

even if
i know that i'll meet you again.
even if
i know that i'll house you under my skin again.
even if
i could call you by some other name.

i'll miss you...
gaia.
he'll miss you too....
lucien.
we'll miss you...
renji.

but for now, we're alright.
for now, we're fine.
for now, let's stay as we are.
for now, let's be strangers...

gaia

i knew your name even before we will meet. long before i will ever see your face or hear your voice...

the music that you like or the color you fancy, the things that make you cry and laugh, these things i will never know about you...

what do you want to be, who do you want to be. your quirks and your own indecisions. i can only think of the things you'd say to me.. only think of the way you'd wear your hair. will you tell me your dreams and whisper to me the secrets of your soul? would you love the night as much as i do?

you don't know how much i want to know you. how my heart falters of knowing that circumstance drives me to do the unthinkable. i am not a coward. but i owe it to you and to the people dear to me to hold off our meeting to a more favorable date even if my heart yearns to see you. so that they can love you as much as i love you....

i wish i could shelter you forever. deep under my skin.

mother's day

this may be a bit over due. but i don't want mother's day to be just another memory. here's what my hubby got in his inbox from mai/lola a few days after mother's day:

had a happy mother's day, thanks to everyone who texted/greeted me:
vey, fer, xen, barbie, nap, leni, lola mommy, christie, noemi, therese (twice), cousins liza and azon, friends nel and au. to those who attended mother's day dinner with me: den, bob, noemi & mogen, fer & don, xen & barbie, avi, uc & therese. to those who sent or gave gifts: vey (P1000 for cake & ice-cream), bryn (lovely pink dangling earrings, yellow polo sport shirt, lee black pants), fer (lovely set of bracelet & earrings, xen (big mass of lovely flowers, tamang-tama
sa flower vase na nakuha ni den sa 50th reunion nila ng pampanga trade school), uc (P1000 cash) and therese (red ribbon sans rival).

barbie drew "happy mother's day" on our carport for mum with her jumbo
colored chalk.

and thanks to my better half, den, for financing the mother's day dinner at max's elliptical circle.
it was, indeed, my day. i lazed around and, SURPRISE OF SURPRISES, won first place in hearts, except for the last hand, during which time den had arrived from marketing, distracting me. but before that, i got "shooting the moon" (the entire hearts suit from 2 of hearts to ace of hearts, plus the queen of spades) on my first hand. today, i can't even get into third place. apparently, the God of Gamblers Himself gave me a mother's day gift. :D
---
this year's mother's day was the first i ever spent with someone else's mother. and to my surprise, it was a lot of fun. however, i could never give away the place of my mama in my heart. i could always make a room for someone's mai (which would be special as well), yes, but to give away or replace, never. my mom would be the only one who would have this chamber in my heart. i'm blogging this down because today, after too long a time of not seeing her, i got to hug her again and talk nonesense with her. it's surprising to miss someone so bad without even realizing it until you see that someone again.

mama, happy mother's day. :)

breaking away

people are blessed with a myriad of emotions to match every possible event. and i guess, we can only be as intuitive as to be sensitive about the things they tell us (this is under the assumption that there is absence of any external influence). listen to the wisdom of your body. or more appropriately in this case, to the wisdom of your emotions. i am not saying that we should be a slave to our emotions... there is a world of difference after all, between being a slave to one's emotions and being a willing slave to it. sense after all, is not as easily susceptible to corruption as sensibility. there are lies that you can make yourself believe in, i agree. but only after you've told them to yourself over and over and over again and only to a certain extent. that transition of disbelief to belief may come or it may never come at all. our emotions offer us no real guarantee except the truth.

although emotions we cannot live without, we can only do as much as to wish we could do without some - loneliness, anguish, brokenness. but life always did drive a hard bargain - it either offers you the full length of the ride or refuses you the ride at all. no maybes and devoid of any gray area. we bask in our glories as it be but human nature, but we must also respect those that have fallen. and although demystification is not anyone's cup of tea by preference, i think life never meant for us to have more than but a healthy dose of it. healthy - enough just to learn and not be crippled. yes, there are things that enfeeble us. but never make the mistake that you are the only victim. because you are not so special to be the only one. the world does not and will not stop for our grief.

hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
i should know. i was once the unchosen (if you're in doubt, read my post sweetest goodbye). and i can tell you it was no holiday. i was maimed for 6 dragging months and until now, i still haven't figured out what it was exactly that gave me the strength to rise above the flames of my demise. i guess i should consider myself lucky. not only was i able to get my life back to motion, i got it back in full when (yes, with the birds and the bees) when i realized that i had not loved in vain. i am thankful because not all people have what i have. and even if it came knowing that it left someone else in pain, i harbor no shame. but make no mistake in thinking that i am proud of what transpired. it was something that just had to be. and if you delegate to yourself the role of the necessary casualty then so be it. but don't think so highly of yourself and think that we spare any more thoughts on you because we don't.. the day is only as good as long as the sun hasn't set. the moment night creeps in, it will be but a memory..

it seems i have kept my silence far too long for the wind has been stained with echoes loosed by bitterness. i hope that the next time my voice reaches you, it will be of such clarity that you will understand. do not test my patience. don't ever make the mistake to think that you are the only one that knows how to rage LEAH..

believe that the only consolation that we have in this life is to have as much happiness wherever and whenever we could find it (no trace of hedonism here mind you). and if in our quest for utopia, we wounded you, both of us give you no less than the sincerest of our apologies. but make no mistake that we are in this relationship for any reason of lesser quality than love. don't be so hasty as to make assumptions about me and my reasons because you don't know me and won't ever know me. if in your bitterness, you refuse to accept this, know that you are only making it harder for yourself. i apologize if what i say may burn, but the words you loosen make me think twice of the integrity of your promise. this will be the last time that i will consider you as a person of dignity. one more bitter post from you and you shall be no more.